Tag Archives: self honesty

Putting the LIE in smILE

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Ok I just saw the word ‘smile’ and it reminded me of an experience I had today at the grocery store. I was going through the “automatic checkout” where you they have replaced the tellers with machines so the customer can “check out” their own groceries. So my machine had an error and I had to ask the teller for assistance. Now I have seen this teller many times before as though never actually engaged this person. So She assisted me with the problem and again once more gave assistance before I left. So now the ice was broken. As started to walk out of the store I noticed the teller walking my way from down the isle going back to her station. It was obvious now that this was no “ordinary passing” as she had assisted me with my machine and so I felt like there should be at least eye contact as I walked by her as a form of acknowledgment of the events that took place. I mean I could ignore her as which is normally done in occasions like this – Deliberate ignorance where each being just pretend not to see the other one. So I looked her way as a walked by and she also glanced up at the last second. She did not really have an expression so I ‘Smiled’ and then she gave a smile back, I mean the entire unfolding of events was very ‘unconscious’ so to speak, but brings up an interesting point. How a ‘Smile’ is used within this world. I mean it is used in a way to just keep everything moving. It is like the ‘Oil’ in the engine of the system which keeps things “moving along” “everything fine here” “I accept you” and this kind of thing. I see that I smile allot as part of my presentation. It is a way to manipulate people. Where I manipulate them through smiling so that no points of friction arrive. I mean I probably would have been grinning my way through the holocaust as I have found this to be the best possible way to “go unnoticed” and “be accepted” Its like I am attempting to smile people into submission – lol. So people smile when they are hiding things, when there is actually stuff within them that they do not want to communicate, so they just smile and everyone smile and remain quiet. When I look specifically at why I smile so much, it is to avoid friction as I have found it the best possible way to avoid friction. I feel like there is so much friction and that if I were to actually speak my mind for real instead of hide it behind a smile Its like the entire world would just shut-down. Like if there was a magical spell placed on the planet where everyone actually had to speak what was going on within them and were forced to work things out this way. Obviously this is the point with Self Honesty, that we get to a point where when we speak, we simply speak what is here within us. So there is so much unresolved shit right now inside each one of us. Like when the homeless man smiles at you and asks for change – Oh God, you think that is a real fucking smile. Nooooooooo, the homeless man is manipulating, probably hoping he will either get money for having a Pleasant disposition, or not get punched for having a pleasant disposition. And so Society just walk around smiling and smirking as this is the best way to glaze over the actual vicious thoughts and judgments we have towards each other. And we all accept “The Smile” as each one know that they do exactly the same thing so as a long as this is an accepted means of hiding then everyone will use it. So smiling has become absolute deception and manipulation. Nobody actually really communicates within this world and the interesting thing is we will eventually have to face this shit, and cannot go on smiling for ever. I mean well, we could go on smiling for ever but that really is just saying that we has humanity is going to go one LYING for ever and living a Life into eternity. I for one do not want to do this. I would be more interested in actually speaking to one another and getting to the core of who we are. Though at this stage Society and Mankind just walk around as Smiling Zombies – And the worst part is that they do no even realize it, they do not even realize the absolute deception that is taking place and that there is in fact a “real” being underneath all the deception but likely will never actually Live. The Real being – Who we really are is likely to just hide in Fear and Shame behind a smile until its too late. What a fucked fucked fucked up world we live in.

Identifying Re-Occuring Projections/Desires – Desteni Farm = Self Discipline

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A point came up with regards to projection when I was watching one of the Latest Desteni Video Uploads. As I watched the video, I was looking at the point of how I keep having this point of desire/projection coming up towards the Desteni Farm. So in looking at why this projection keeps coming up and what is it about myself that I am not yet living as myself that “The Desteni Farm” represent, which is the source for why this keeps coming up. So the point that I am projecting onto the Desteni Farm which I am not living as myself but only desiring to live is the Discipline Self Direction Perfection. Though seeing the point of Discipline as being the key element here. As in terms of how I see discipline, it implies Self Direction and Perfection. So this is the point – Discipline. Which I am not yet living and so rather than actually live and apply myself go into a point of projection, when in fact what I am desiring is not the desteni farm per se but rather Self Discipline, where in I direct myself in Self Discipline everyday, breathing, remaining here and directing myself within Self Discipline as to accumulate and create myself into a being which I ‘desire’ to be. Meaning, when I was on the Farm, I was started to become more effective within my reality, within communication, within practical labour, within information processing, within many aspects of my life. It was like I was actually building myself. And that his occur through constant and consistent application. There is no secret or trick, it was simple constant and consistent application of self within a point of Self Discipline. So this is the point that I am not yet living in my world, but what I am only desiring to live. So cool to see this point.

What I actually See about an Equal Money System.

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How will an Equal Money System Benefit all of Humanity Equally. I am going to investigate here how an equal money system is in fact and will in fact support ALL beings on earth equally and is not one of those systems that is only attempting to “lessen the gap” between the rich and the poor and not actually taking on the point of "in fact" bringing all to an equal position in this world. An equal money system is based on an the principle of equality and what is best for all. And only those involved know within themselves whether or not they are in fact standing as this principle. I know for myself that I Stand as This Principle from this perspective – I see within myself that the common sense direction to take within this world is to bring forth equality for all. As that is fair. And that it is not acceptable for any beings to suffer while others live in wealth and comfort. Glaringly so with regards to the current world situation and how the suffering of many in this world is in a way “out of their hands” like being born into poverty or a situation where they do not have equal support as others and because of this have a more difficult life in this reality. This should not exist. I see within myself that I do not want to deliberately harm another and that in fact I would rather have all beings living a cool life, and that for example it would be cool if for example a starving dog in the world could live as I live, meaning have basic survival aspects of life in place so that they to can exist equal to humans within this world where we no longer control animals as pets but live in equality with them and realize that they are beings and have just as much to ‘offer’ and as we do. I see that I still have allot to learn with regards to how to establish an equal money system and also how to live in this world in a way that is best for all. But I also see within myself that I have no intentions to harm another or abuse or secretly deceive another but that I am in fact interested in bringing forth a world that is fair so that all have the equal opportunity to experience enjoyment within their experience of themselves on this earth. And have equal Support as money and resources which create a stable foundation for each one to live and enjoy themselves on this planet. This is what is being Proposed in the Equal Money System. It is not just some system that will try and fix and mend the current system. Nope. It is a New System We should not be afraid to try new things, and to let go of stuff that is not working but is further fucking up this world. I mean Japan is close to being a ‘Quadrillion’ dollars in debt. All that is talked about today is the increasing debts of the countries. I mean how is it even possible for the entire world to be in debt? And this is the system that we are trying to keep in place? The foundational all encompassing System of the world is capitalism and profit. The entire world play by these rules. I mean a browse through the morning newspaper should be enough to see how our current world system is actually NOT WORKING. The News Paper does not bring the News. It is simply an Outflow of the current money system to ensure the flow of money and to keep the current system in in place. It is filled with advertisements to generate money - Every add in the paper is for money only - There is not one that is unconditionally within the consideration of support life actually. The Equal Money System as being proposed by desteni is the most comprehensive solution that I have found. And its cool because it is not in any way just trying to hold onto or fix the current system. Which is basically what I see with every other ‘proposed solution’ that I have come across. I cannot convince anyone to be a part of the equal money system development and proposal. Though If I had the power to I would “place it” meaning I see no reason not to. I see no risk (I am not willing to face) in doing so, I see no reason to continue hanging onto this current system and am willing to test out other options, Immediately, as it is becoming more and more clear to me that the system we use to govern our world at the moment is just fucking this planet up and people are fucked up within it. Ok its time to try something new. Obviously. So suggest to investigate www.equalmoney.org and also the “desteni I process” at www.desteniiprocess.com As this is the platform through which we will be bringing forth this new direction of man. And support ourselves to really start to investigate ourselves and how to bring forth a practical solution that is equal and best for all. I don’t think its necessary to have to keep animals locked up in cages. I think they would rather live without fences around them. And so an equal money system is a practical placement which will support the bringing forth of a world where all beings have food in their bellies and are full and satisfied, and have shelter and basic support and equal access to education, transportation, etc... actual Equal Human Rights. www.equalmoney.org www.desteniiprocess.com

The Manly Man – Self Investigation

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So a point that has come up within investigating “job opportunities” is the definition one ‘receives’ within working a particular kind of job within the world. Now I have been investigating the option of doing graphic design work, because I have the basic foundation to be able to provide this service. Though I have not yet been able to “find the point” within me to really commit to the point from the perspective of “feeling Here” within the point, and stable and satisfied at this direction. So I have been investigating what is going on here, and why I have not yet been able to find a stable starting point within this, and so looking at “Ok what is up here” One point that has come up is related to a point of self definition of self in relation to how I perceive and believe and define a “Man” in this world to be, and what "A Man" does, and how a "Man" acts. And how within taking on a point such as graphic design that I would not be able to fulfill this ‘aspect’ of myself, to be "A Man" to experience me as "A Man". Like for example the “Men” of this reality that are practical and work with their hands and can be relied on and trusted and who are stable and Big and Strong and Manly and Effective within their world, and drive a big strong truck and are real manly worker type men but also strong in business and make money and are stable support in there reality. Like the type of Man that builds a house or Runs their own business. So when I look at graphic design, I do not see this aspect of "A Manly Man" within it. What I see is a man or person who is artsy, who is a pushover, who is weak, who is flimsy, and not stable or practical. Fuck interesting definition I have given to the type of person who does graphic design. So I have identified this point which I am getting into now as one of the reasons why I simply have not been able to place myself in the graphic design point. Because I would not be able to fulfill that point which I am experiencing myself as ‘lacking’ which would be the first point described as the typical worker practical stable Man. When I was on the farm I would experience me as being quite Manly when I was working with Manly tools like hammers and saws and cutting boards and drilling stuff together and lifting heavy things, and mixing cement and digging in the earth – This fulfilled my Manly Definition and so I experienced a point of satisfaction within myself within fulfilling this point. As I was the stable practical man worker. Though at the same time thus was not the entire picture, as at times I felt like I was abandoning my “creative side” like writing and art and information processing. So from a certain perspective perhaps a point of fulfillment will not be had unless I can find a point which satisfy both of these “sides of self” Now Also I see that, in fact, these are Definitions given through society and defined within ones mind in terms of who one has accepted and allowed oneself to be. Is it really necessary to “work a manly job” to fulfill this self definition point or aspect of self which I perceive/experience myself as lacking or not having fulfilled at the moment, or not being encompassed within the point of doing for example graphic design. Within the context of process and stopping the mind these aspects of self are based in the mind and thus “not real” from a certain perspective. From Here I see the point in actually looking at this ‘definition’ or ‘aspect’ of self which I have defined as “Manly” for instance and looking at how I have separated myself from this part of me and investigate how to “bring these points back to self” And investigate why I am seeing or believing that to fulfill these points I must “stand at” that point within this world which is defined as “Manly”, and seen by the world as Manly, And is this the only way to ‘amalgamate’ this point into and as myself. Also to investigate the definition I have placed within graphic design. So I require to re-look at my definition of Strength also because I am seeing that I have allowed myself to place the point of “strength” into this definition I have described as the “manly man” and that this is what strength is, and so attempt to satisfy my definition of strength by “becoming this point” I find it odd that I only experience myself as being satisfied and strong and stable and effective if I do ‘those acts’ that create this experience of self. And how within doing something like "graphic design" that point of strength is simply not there. Like for instance doing Snow Removal satisfy some of the elements of this point within me. Its like the point of “wanting to feel like a man” and experience me as worthy within this and strong, like a tree. Though being completely linked to definitions of gender and roles within society and personalities. Fuck. Ok so will continue to investigate this point. Lol - Interesting the Greek Meaning for the Name ANDREW is MANLY

Birthing Life From The Physical – “Desteni I Process”

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Quite cool to see this “physical point” coming through at the moment with regards to ‘process’ and what it means to “Birth Life From the Physical” and the realization that ‘Self’, that ‘I’, have actually never or “missed the point” of living here as the physical, but since birth have been slowly but surely “becoming a mind” and living and exiting as that mind “in separation” from the physical, forming ideas, perceptions, beliefs, which I then ‘superimposed’ on top of the physical, until I no longer experienced the physical or considered the physical, or see the physical anymore but only see the ‘Mind’ which I have superimposed onto the physical. What I see in terms of “Birthing Oneself From the Physical” is to stop “the mind” to “get out of the mind” to “step out of the mind and into the physical” where in my ‘ideas’, ‘definitions’, ‘perceptions’ of ‘myself’ which I lived and experienced within and as the mind will “no longer be” but rather I stand here equal and one with the physical, where my daily actions and considerations and experience will be in relation to and equal and one with “the physical” as I now am standing and exiting as the physical. And Have Birthed Myself From / as the Physical. Looking at the point of the “Physical Body” – It is physical, and functions in direct relationship to the physical and the “rules of the physical” so to speak. But I have lost touch with “these rules” these ‘Relationships’ “of the physical” that “make up” the movement, and expansion , and expression of the physical. Because I have not stood equal to the physical, or lived as the physical in stepping out of the mind to live equal and one as the physical, I had not been able to see or understand the “relationships of the physical” I have not been able to understand, to see how “my actions” ‘affect’ the physical, ‘flow’ in the physical, where each action, flow out into the physical, ripple out into the physical as the actual “chain-reaction of the physical” affecting and influencing the physical. In this World, not all parts of the physical are being nourished or supported as can be seen by war, by poverty, by some points having “it all” and other points “Having nothing” (Rich/Poor) Thus I see “the point” is to Birth Oneself Into and As the Physical, so that we can see how our actions “flow-out” and “ripple-out” as the actual “chain-reaction” of the physical and influence and affect the physical, this world, the conditions of this world, where they either “flow-out” and cause poverty for instance, or “flow-out” and support the nourishment of ALL. I see this as a Solution to this world. To become aware of how our actions affect one another, and consider that our every action in every moment is in “cause and affect” as the physical “flowing-out” at all times and permeating out into the physical and having a consequence in this reality. Even the most seemingly small and insignificant moments are “flowing-out” into the physical. Are ‘creating’ this reality. Thus to assist and support yourself to actually become “Self-Aware” where one begin to ‘Direct’ ones actions in each and every moment to ‘ensure’ the “flow-out” or “Out-Flow” of those actions are ‘Directed’ by Self within Awareness, in consideration of the physical, into a point which support what is best for all. And not more existing here in the physical as “a mind” who’s ‘actions’ are ‘based’ in the mind, and thus not actually considering or is able to see the eventual physical outflow of those actions. Investigate the “Desteni I Process” as the “Desteni I Process” is a structural platform to assist and support self to actually “step out” of the mind and into “the physical” so that one is actually aware of how one “affect and create this reality” and thus is able to “take responsibility” for what is Here as what we have created as this earth, this planet, and Direct Oneself to Bring a Dignified to ALL. Visit the “Desteni I Process” website : http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

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Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking. So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them. Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making. I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead! Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through. This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this. Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art. Its like, what is going on with me? In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things. I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.   I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone. Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself. Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy. Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable. I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me! That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me. Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me. Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did. But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger. I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit. From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him. Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting...waiting to see...almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry...then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in” So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father. So a point here to explore and forgive. And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.

Self Forgiveness on ‘COMPARISON’ and ‘MONEY’

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind within thoughts, ideas, worries, concerns, emotions and feelings related to planting trees from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making lots of money” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs and networks of thoughts, ideas, concepts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and emotions and feelings within my mind related to treeplanting from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making allot of money” instead of simply breathing here in the moment and applying myself in the moment and allowing myself to let go of “that which goes on in my mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the mind and specific “trains of thoughts” that emerge or come up in my mind, simply because they “do” come up and thus automatically allow myself to participate within them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a good planter I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the energetic experiences that come up within my about “being a good planter” in comparison to others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself occupy myself within comparison where in I give my attention to comparing myself to others and seeing myself in relation to others within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” from the perspective of “not being satisfied with myself” unless I win, and am better than others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to outperform others from the perspective of attempting to satisfy myself within and as myself I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be satisfied with myself from the perspective of not requiring me to compare myself to others to gauge my satisfaction, but rather simply me being satisfied with me without needing or requiring to compare myself to others. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through comparison and creating defining myself according to others within comparison that I will finally be able to be satisfied with myself and there in within this be able to just stop and relax because “I will have arrived” and finally I can rest. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply just “do my own thing” from the perspective of not requiring to perform at a specific level so that others see me within this and as this, so that I can “be comfortable with myself” through having effectively created a picture/idea/personality of myself which is supported by me, and others as a “form” which we all agree on. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention and energy on “building up” an idea of self, instead of existing here as breath, one breath at a time, and no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where in I create ideas within my mind of who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others say, believe and see me as. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to presenting myself in such a way that others agree with, and furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to others, and what others say/believe/see me as in anyway whatsoever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘care’ what others think of me from the perspective of shaping/creating/defining/presenting myself in a way which will “make me feel better” based on how others define/see me through what I present to them as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me, and within this, constantly attempt to ‘create’ myself within comparison to others who I see/believe are better than me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not plant the most trees for my company than I am less than those that do. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not planting more trees than everybody else than I am compromising myself from the perspective of what I am capable of and my abilities, and within this am existing in limitation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of trees I plant in relation to others is a direct reflection of my abilities in this world and the ‘success’ I will have in the system from the perspective of being successful at painting and other business ventures. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others that plant more trees than me are smarter than me, more skilled than me and more disciplined than me, wherein I then experience myself as ‘down’ and “not as good” as them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘connect’ treeplanting to my future ventures within the world and believe that If I am not the best planter or one of the best planters on the crew that I will ultimately be limited in my other ventures to my performance treeplanting. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my performance or ‘standard’ that I set here planting will determine my future success in this world, where in I am limiting myself where in I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and agree within myself that I am and will be “locked-in” to what I ‘achieve’ here planting, and thus I must be “one of the best” because this will determine who I will be in the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “the amount of money” I make here while planting will “set a standard” of my capabilities which I will locked into and that I will not be able to “break-out of” and so within this I want to do a good job. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply walk step by step, breath by breath, and allow myself expand myself within this world constantly from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and participate within my mind in relation to money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear, from the perspective of money and what will happen in the future, related what I have set out to do. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify participating with fears/anxieties/thoughts/emotions and feelings relating to money and the future. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear failing and “getting stuck” without a job, which in turn will cause my plan not to work. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my plan will not work out I forgive myself that I have automatically accepted and allowed myself to expect my plan to not work out which thus cause me to go into fear and anxiety about the future, where in I simply just believe that my plan will not work out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘difficult’ to set a plan in this world and have it work out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine the success or failure of “my plans” based on the what I have done/experienced in the past instead of allowing myself to walk ‘anew’ each day one breath at a time, and no longer accept and allow myself to define myself according to “who I was in the past” but actually in self walking here in breath, will and rebirth myself into this reality as effective within this world and the system in terms of support and functionality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is difficult to make money within this world. Where in I am arriving at this conclusion without even first walking the necessary steps to make sufficient money. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people that are effective at making money to possess something that I do not, instead of me standing equal to them, and giving myself the gift of realizing my equality with them. Within this Self Forgiveness I see the point of defining my future success in the world in relation to my performance within treeplanting. In connecting these two points I then went into comparison towards and with the other planters within a kind of “franticness” where I believe that “if I am not the best” here and now, that I will fail in this world, and not make it. So what I see is that I have a belief /fear inside me of failing in this world, and ending up with no money, or stuck somewhere with no money and in this no freedom, but trapped in way. And that this fear/belief was actually coming though or causing me to go into comparison in the specific way that I was/am within my job treeplanting towards others. When I look closer at this point I see that also when I was in art school I was already participating within this construct of wanting to “be the best” which at that time I has also linked to money and freedom. And that if I was going to make it as an artist, that I had to be one of the best, as this was the only way that I would have enough money to “buy my freedom” in my life. Something that I was already at that time determined to do, to have enough money to “be free” in this world, and not have to struggle to get by. I always liked winning races and coming in first place in my younger years, but at that stage, I had not yet linked the point to money, but more to the point of people seeing me a certain way, a point of worthiness or specialness or acceptance. I remember when I was art school, I experienced dominance in relation to art, where I experienced myself as “above” other in this regard, where I in a way “stood over or above them” I liked this experience, as I could then speak with confidence about art and speak to them about there art where they would listen to what I had to say, and consider what I had to say as important, I liked that. But in terms of a ‘fear’ where I triggered a fear within myself where I then feared about money was what comes up at the moment is my student loan. When I signed the papers to get my loan to go to school. It was at that step when I was around 19 or 20 years old that money was now linked to art, and that I ‘had’ to make money with my art to pay back my loan otherwise I would have to stop making art and do something else to make money to pay back my loan. So it was at that stage where the whole point of dominance I experienced and specialness in relation to others around the point of art, mutated merged with the point of money to give entire construct another layer to it. In terms of developing a belief that I was/am unable to make money doing art, or be successful within the context of “making money” interestingly enough I see in relation to before art school when I was involved in ice hockey, where the point of playing professional hockey came into play. To play professional hockey meant making allot of money which I was aware of. Eventually it got to the point where it just seemed like “I wasn’t good enough” and in this saw or defined myself as a failure at this point which encompassed the point of “making allot of money in this world” which at this juncture of my life, I saw myself as having failed at. So in a way, believing that I will be unable to make money with my art can be related to “my past” where I failed at making money as a hockey player. Before the Hockey point I had never really considered much, if anything to make money in this world. So in a way, becoming a hockey player was my first attempt, which “in my eyes” I failed at doing, and in this saw myself as “less than” and ‘weak’.

Energy Monster

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I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself from the perspective of trying to get others to listen to me. The point I see is that who I am as the expression of myself is not really me, from the perspective that when I express myself, I am not expressing ‘myself’ from the starting point of expressing myself as “unconditional expression”  but rather, from the starting point of expressing myself, so that I get a response, meaning, that I want others to ‘respond’ in such a way that “they see me” or ‘acknowledge’ me in “a certain way”. Within this I am experiencing and seeing my self expression as, not being authentic.  Authentic from the perspective that I express myself, not in wanting to “get results” but from the starting point of me expressing me, with no desired outcome, realizing that I am simply sharing myself. And that I do not “require” to get anyone’s attention or approval, or to get a specific desired response out of them. I am finding my expression very ‘unsatisfying’. This has been my experience of myself of late, which is actually cool. Why? Because I am seeing “who I am” in my expression, and this ‘seeing’ is becoming quite obvious, where before I did not see what I was doing, and where now, I am, in that I see in most of what I am expressing/speaking, is not really me. What I mean in saying that this “is not really me” is that I see that this expression, that is not really me, which is revealing itself more and more, in moments where before I would not see it, is not really me because it is ‘so fake’. Instead of actually expressing myself, I automatically “go to” certain responses or phrases, or sayings, or words, that I believe will garner a certain, specific, response from those around me, instead of,  me actually expressing myself in self honesty, in saying what I really have to say, in where I express me without trying to get a certain reaction or response out of another. So my expression is not really me – because in fact it is “to get a response” it is an act, a calculation, it is manipulation- to see if “I can get something” not actually, expressing myself, and this is what I “call’ self expression. As if “we as ourselves” do not actually ever speak, but have what we are going to say or possibly say, already all mapped out and programmed in, for every possible experience that may occur for the rest of our lives, so that when the moment arrives to communicate, we are not actually speaking as ourselves in the moment with “what is really here” but actually are speaking as an automatic  all-ready program, just pulling up files, that in fact has nothing to do with the moment but solely with attempting to get energy – this is how I have been experience myself in communication.

 

I have looked at why this is, and what I see is that this is related to energy creation. The words and phrases we have accepted as ourselves, and stored and compiled within ourselves for possible use, are those that have been observed by us, to get a specific response. Meaning, that it  generates “a specific kind of energy” that we have accepted and allowed,  ourselves to define and create as ourselves, thus – we are always looking for ways to GET this energy which essentially, is a means of survival, or self creation, as the more of the kinds of energies we get that we like, and have created ourselves as, the ‘MORE’ , “we are” so to speak, from an energy perspective– thus when ever a moment arrives to communicate with another, we ignore the moment completely, we disregard the moment, and instead of speaking within the moment as self presence,  we, instead of actually communicating as ourselves, deliberately go into “program –mode” and begin to pull out, and place  “common pre-programmed responses/ phrases” we have all-ready compiled within ourselves, to GET ENERY. Fuck communication, I want energy. I don’t care what you are really saying, I would rather just try and extract energy from this moment. We as humanity are ruthless and unrelenting in our wanting, wanting, wanting. I have observed this point within myself. That I don’t actually speak to beings, but in fact manipulate them and manipulate the moment to get more energy, to feel alive.

Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

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My experience. I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself.  So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end. Grade 6 - Problem Solving When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it. The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids. So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place. Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out. So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall. So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see. I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself. I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly. I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable. Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and hold myself back within muscle communication. So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected. And now I must make peace with this dejection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.

Self Forgiveness – Sept 22

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone writing, drawing, and basically my process, from the perspective that I have allowed myself to ‘not’ do those things, but instead, give in to ‘energy’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energy as tiredness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “in the moment when opportunity comes to either ‘push through’ or give in to tiredness/energy”, give up, through accepting and allowing myself to participate with the excuse of, I am to tired. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want process to be easier from the perspective that writing and art come with ease rather than having to push myself to do them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and give in to energy, now that I am on the farm because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “things are more difficult now” and thus give in to energy when It comes up. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to do process from me I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist as self will I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I do not see others pushing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself exist within and as pressure until finally I cannot take it and I end up getting a headache because I am attempting to do everything in my mind as a projection. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself to write I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I push myself, things will become more difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off posting in the internet on my blog and facebook, and within this disregard all the starving children in the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual state of existence, and within doing this attempt to live out my life, and create for myself a decent life, rather than actually standing in every moment for those who are less fortunate, from the perspective of sorting myself out and sorting this world out. I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance within me, as me, and then believe that there is nothing I can do about it, even though I created it in the first place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all I can be, and that all the shit I have accepted and allowed as myself , must remain and there is nothing I can do about it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a point where I no longer believe that I am the creator of myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want insight to come to me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on others for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that insight and common sense are more difficult for me because I am older. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a construct, a system, as Andrew Gable, instead of actually doing anything about it to change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must sleep a certain number of hours each night, and if I go out of that routine of sleeping that many hours, that I must now, ‘catch up’ by sleeping more hours. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself, believing that by rushing myself that I will get things done. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a constant application because I believe that it will be difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quite before I even begin. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go along with things, because its easier that way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships, rather than apply myself in what requires to be done, meaning that I may not have time to chit chat and bull shit with people here on the farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself conditionally, meaning, Not in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rest from directing myself in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within limitation believing that there is only so much one can do in a day, and within this, I allow myself to postpone applying myself in writing and art, where in participate with the thought inside myself of ‘there is only so much one can in a day” I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I am tired, and would rather sleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself from the perspective of building up pressure inside me and causing myself pain. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that the pressure build up which I believe causes my headaches could actually be because I do not apply myself and push myself to apply myself, and therefore, I then instead of applying myself as here as breath in real physical action, think about what I might do, or go into guilt for not doing something, or because I did not do that thing, I then think about  the thing I did not do, and this is what is causing the pressure inside me, Not applying myself physically, and pushing myself, which means applying myself physically here as breath.