Tag Archives: abuse

Looking at some points related to Communication and Writing.

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Sometimes I experience a blank when I go to write. This has been occurring allot lately. I see that there is a point of self judgement where within judging what I am about to write actually keeps this “blankness” Here, as I judge what I am about to write or what I start writing and then might quickly erase it as I think to myself “no, no, no, thats not what I want to write about”. So I see this in fact a judgement which prevent me from actually moving from the starting line and exploring myself within writing. So rather I must support myself within moving through that which I am writing by not judging what I am writing or what is coming up in the moment. Because in some instances I will do this multiple times to the point where I eventually just close the document I am working on and do something else. So I will open a document and pause for a moment then say to myself in a way, “what shall I write about” Then a point, or sentence will come up within me and I will carry on to write this down but then get a few words in and pause and think, “nawww thats not good enough” and then I try and think of something else to write about. Then I will trap myself within this pattern instead of rather directing myself to just go with what comes up initially and not judge it. So today at work I was working with a co-worker and we were discussing different points related to the money system and human nature and just really touching on a few points and sharing perspectives. But I found myself to be quite frustrated in this because I find that I know actually so very little. Actually today I was pushing myself to speak up and assert myself a little more instead of holding back on giving my perspective, though it did not go that smoothly. I will continue to test this point out of expanding my communication through stepping outside of my normal programmed way of communicating and venture into some less explored waters where I will simply direct myself to speak where I normally would have kept quite. But after today this will require some adjustment already because in speaking up more I realized that “I don’t know shit” lol. Like I will start explaining something to someone and then realize as I start getting into the point “oh fuck, I actually don’t the necessary details to be able to explain the point. Like only having a surface idea of something but when it actually gets down to it my understanding is actually not at all sufficient on so many points that I believed that I had all sorted out. This made me realize that I must pay closer attention when I am reading an article so that when I go explaining a cool article to someone that I read just that same morning I don’t stop a few seconds in within the realization that, yes I read the article, but I do not remember shit about what it was actually about. It was like I wasn’t even reading it really, but only thought I was – LOL. Simply put – Pay more attention when I am reading and ensure that I have the comprehension of what is being presented in place so that if required I would be able to explain the main points of the article and give perspective on it. I asked myself today “what do I actually know” Because, ok, why not I just stick to communicating about stuff that I have a solid understanding about , and so I asked myself “what do I have a solid understanding about” and fuck – there is really not much. Particularly when it comes to certainties. Which is humbling. To see how much of my understanding and comprehension of reality is based on assumption. (ok one more point came up as I was writing my tags for this blog - It is the point of actually re-structuring my communication like for instance one must build the foundation for the house before they can build the house or put in the windows, and so today was like I was getting ahead of myself  instead of establishing building the necessary foundation / context for what I am communicating about.)  

Self Forgiveness – Sept 22

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone writing, drawing, and basically my process, from the perspective that I have allowed myself to ‘not’ do those things, but instead, give in to ‘energy’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energy as tiredness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “in the moment when opportunity comes to either ‘push through’ or give in to tiredness/energy”, give up, through accepting and allowing myself to participate with the excuse of, I am to tired. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want process to be easier from the perspective that writing and art come with ease rather than having to push myself to do them. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and give in to energy, now that I am on the farm because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “things are more difficult now” and thus give in to energy when It comes up. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to do process from me I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to exist as self will I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I do not see others pushing themselves. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself exist within and as pressure until finally I cannot take it and I end up getting a headache because I am attempting to do everything in my mind as a projection. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself to write I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I push myself, things will become more difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off posting in the internet on my blog and facebook, and within this disregard all the starving children in the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual state of existence, and within doing this attempt to live out my life, and create for myself a decent life, rather than actually standing in every moment for those who are less fortunate, from the perspective of sorting myself out and sorting this world out. I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to create resistance within me, as me, and then believe that there is nothing I can do about it, even though I created it in the first place. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am currently is all I can be, and that all the shit I have accepted and allowed as myself , must remain and there is nothing I can do about it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a point where I no longer believe that I am the creator of myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want insight to come to me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on others for insight and common sense. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that insight and common sense are more difficult for me because I am older. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a construct, a system, as Andrew Gable, instead of actually doing anything about it to change. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must sleep a certain number of hours each night, and if I go out of that routine of sleeping that many hours, that I must now, ‘catch up’ by sleeping more hours. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself, believing that by rushing myself that I will get things done. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a constant application because I believe that it will be difficult. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quite before I even begin. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just go along with things, because its easier that way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto friendships, rather than apply myself in what requires to be done, meaning that I may not have time to chit chat and bull shit with people here on the farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself conditionally, meaning, Not in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to rest from directing myself in every moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within limitation believing that there is only so much one can do in a day, and within this, I allow myself to postpone applying myself in writing and art, where in participate with the thought inside myself of ‘there is only so much one can in a day” I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to push myself because I am tired, and would rather sleep. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself from the perspective of building up pressure inside me and causing myself pain. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that the pressure build up which I believe causes my headaches could actually be because I do not apply myself and push myself to apply myself, and therefore, I then instead of applying myself as here as breath in real physical action, think about what I might do, or go into guilt for not doing something, or because I did not do that thing, I then think about  the thing I did not do, and this is what is causing the pressure inside me, Not applying myself physically, and pushing myself, which means applying myself physically here as breath.