Tag Archives: shame

Putting the LIE in smILE

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Ok I just saw the word ‘smile’ and it reminded me of an experience I had today at the grocery store. I was going through the “automatic checkout” where you they have replaced the tellers with machines so the customer can “check out” their own groceries. So my machine had an error and I had to ask the teller for assistance. Now I have seen this teller many times before as though never actually engaged this person. So She assisted me with the problem and again once more gave assistance before I left. So now the ice was broken. As started to walk out of the store I noticed the teller walking my way from down the isle going back to her station. It was obvious now that this was no “ordinary passing” as she had assisted me with my machine and so I felt like there should be at least eye contact as I walked by her as a form of acknowledgment of the events that took place. I mean I could ignore her as which is normally done in occasions like this – Deliberate ignorance where each being just pretend not to see the other one. So I looked her way as a walked by and she also glanced up at the last second. She did not really have an expression so I ‘Smiled’ and then she gave a smile back, I mean the entire unfolding of events was very ‘unconscious’ so to speak, but brings up an interesting point. How a ‘Smile’ is used within this world. I mean it is used in a way to just keep everything moving. It is like the ‘Oil’ in the engine of the system which keeps things “moving along” “everything fine here” “I accept you” and this kind of thing. I see that I smile allot as part of my presentation. It is a way to manipulate people. Where I manipulate them through smiling so that no points of friction arrive. I mean I probably would have been grinning my way through the holocaust as I have found this to be the best possible way to “go unnoticed” and “be accepted” Its like I am attempting to smile people into submission – lol. So people smile when they are hiding things, when there is actually stuff within them that they do not want to communicate, so they just smile and everyone smile and remain quiet. When I look specifically at why I smile so much, it is to avoid friction as I have found it the best possible way to avoid friction. I feel like there is so much friction and that if I were to actually speak my mind for real instead of hide it behind a smile Its like the entire world would just shut-down. Like if there was a magical spell placed on the planet where everyone actually had to speak what was going on within them and were forced to work things out this way. Obviously this is the point with Self Honesty, that we get to a point where when we speak, we simply speak what is here within us. So there is so much unresolved shit right now inside each one of us. Like when the homeless man smiles at you and asks for change – Oh God, you think that is a real fucking smile. Nooooooooo, the homeless man is manipulating, probably hoping he will either get money for having a Pleasant disposition, or not get punched for having a pleasant disposition. And so Society just walk around smiling and smirking as this is the best way to glaze over the actual vicious thoughts and judgments we have towards each other. And we all accept “The Smile” as each one know that they do exactly the same thing so as a long as this is an accepted means of hiding then everyone will use it. So smiling has become absolute deception and manipulation. Nobody actually really communicates within this world and the interesting thing is we will eventually have to face this shit, and cannot go on smiling for ever. I mean well, we could go on smiling for ever but that really is just saying that we has humanity is going to go one LYING for ever and living a Life into eternity. I for one do not want to do this. I would be more interested in actually speaking to one another and getting to the core of who we are. Though at this stage Society and Mankind just walk around as Smiling Zombies – And the worst part is that they do no even realize it, they do not even realize the absolute deception that is taking place and that there is in fact a “real” being underneath all the deception but likely will never actually Live. The Real being – Who we really are is likely to just hide in Fear and Shame behind a smile until its too late. What a fucked fucked fucked up world we live in.

My apparent problems not actually Real.

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So over the last week, I basically stopped applying myself and gave up on myself for a moment allowing myself to go into a form of depression and existing in the mind. Allowing myself to believe that this depression and “way I am feeling” actually has power over me and there was “nothing I could do”. Though I see now that this is not so - In one of the recent desteni videos I watched, the point was mentioned of how people who are homeless don’t have the luxury to have addictions as their world simply does not permit it as they are forced in a way to just focus on survival and do not have time to entertain addictions or such points of self interest. So this is the point that came up today as I was looking at this point. I realized that my application of depression and giving up myself was simply not valid as it really was only considering myself. I had given power to this application of “being depressed” and believed that there was nothing I could do to get out of it. As I simply did not have the will to direct myself within my world to do the necessary actions to support what is best for all. “Well how convenient for me”. Having food, internet connection if I want it, warm bed, movies to watch, house to live in, all of this, and there are millions dying this instant because they have no food to eat or basic support, and here I am not willing to support because I have some “emotional problem” I mean take away my food, my home, my car, my internet, my basic support, then I will have a real problem. As along as I have the basic physical support, food to eat, place to sleep, I have no excuse for why I am not applying myself in every moment. If I am unable to find the will to do it for myself, then I do it for those that are starving to death right now, as this is what I would want if I were in their shoes, for those that are actually capable of applying and directing themselves in this world to do so to support those that at the moment are not able to. So in Self-Honesty if I dare utter the word, it is obvious that I was only living/existing in Self-Interest, and not actually looking at my Actual self-honest experience/situation of me where really there was nothing but my own self created/accepted emotional problems standing in the way of me directing myself to support what is best for all. In other words, there was really nothing standing in my way at all. I guess though I was judging myself quite a bit, and was/am dealing with layers of emotional shit which actually becomes a physical experience of self, but I mean in asking the question of if I am doing all I can do to support and direct myself the answer is no, and that it is clear that despite who I believe myself to be, I am still physically capable of supporting much more effectively than I am at the moment. Ok.

Applying Self Forgiveness – Dependency

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear doing something in this world, anything in this world, that I do not know exactly how it will go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of possible of making effective decisions I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up ‘myself’ from the perspective of who I have created myself to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will never “break through” and that every decision I make will only further enslave me as who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a slave to myself I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply believe that there is something innately wrong with me, and thus fear being trapped with me as me, as I believe that I am not able to make effective decisions, or create a life that is enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear moving into a “new life” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trapping myself in my own deception. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the idea that “I am deceptive” power over me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of belief that I am not able to know who I am and actually see each point clearly when directing myself in my world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the point that I am less than others in my application, and will always be this way. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want’ to be equal, which is actually just indicating that I have already accepted my inequality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need, want, and desire someone else to show the way, or explain what is up with me instead of embracing myself as self direction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with receiving assistance and support from another. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if someone point something out to me that I am weak and that this is a confirmation of my weakness and their superiority. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is always something innately wrong with the situation so am constantly existing within and experiencing myself from this perspective of believing that I am doing something wrong and that I must fix the situation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in how I direct myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to make decisions that support me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the idea that we are all slaves, all lost, and not capable of standing up for what is equality and best for all. I forgive myself for not allowing me to apply myself in simplicity and actually looking self honestly at my situation and getting to know myself, so to create  a foundation of support and stability for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for what see as having made a mistake. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be perfect in this process instead of just realizing that I am me within this process, and to not judge me for that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to show others that I can do this, and how I can support myself and stand within equality, and in this missing the point of myself, of doing this process for me, and using myself as a reference point where in I develop self trust from the perspective of seeing to the core of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “create a problem” where there is none. I forgive myself for accepting defeat in something that I have not even walked yet, from the perspective of simply believing that “any decision I make will not be the right one” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must make the perfect decision every time and not make one single error. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to fear regretting not doing art. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will ultimately compromise myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in someone else. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my trust in something outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others outside of me instead of me I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experience and what I will do according to who is involved, and within this place my trust and dependency on others instead of standing as the point of self trust and dependency where I am the source of myself, my self enjoyment, my self reliability and stability in all moments, in all situations, in all events, I am the point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to find myself in something outside of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, and that my experience will then be miserable because I will have not one to depend on to make my experience of myself better, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate and place my trust in another and others outside of myself. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and embrace the point of equality, where all beings and points are equal to myself and thus it will not matter who I am with or what I am doing, as within equality one simply stand stable, here, with no matter who, in all situations. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire others to provide for me the experience I am looking for. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope to meet someone to provide for and give to me, a particular experience of enjoyment, and excitement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of myself actually doing this for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define other by according to how the look as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire satisfaction within communication with another in through who they are as a picture, and thus look for communication with those who “fit a certain template” of a picture presentation. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture, who only communication and interact with other pictures that look like me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a picture and within doing this limit myself within my world extensively be believing that my communication and or interaction with others will only “give my what I want” or “be enjoyable” with those who look like me or are similar to me as a picture of what I have accepted and allowed myself to represent as a picture. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in self intimacy within communication/expression with others to only be able to do this if the other person fit into a specific ‘type’ of person instead of seeing myself within equality with all beings, and thus being able to interact and communicate in self intimacy with all beings equally. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I am ‘intimate’ with another who does not ‘match’ my idea of my “personality type” than I am somehow diminished. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within a position of superiority over other beings. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to embrace the point of actually being able to be intimate in expression and communication with all beings equally not matter what they look like. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the point of equality within all. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self intimate with all parts of myself, but hide in fear and shame with regards to some. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and go into shame with regards to who I have accepted myself to become, instead of forgiving myself and allowing myself to communicate equally to all parts of myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face all parts of me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto judgements of parts of myself.