Tag Archives: depression

Ultimate Excuse Exposed!!! – “Im too tired to Get Up”…Or Am I.

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Using the excuse that "I am too tired" so that I can sleep a little longer in the mornings is clearly a justification, and oh god I really sell this one too, like stretching and moaning and moving lethargic - "Oh just a few minutes longer" Oh Please. This is not valid because any morning I have to get up to go to work, I just get up, instantly, as soon as the alarm goes off - this proves that I in fact can "get over" tiredness by willing myself up, in one breath as I do it every morning when I work - thus, "I am too tired" is not actually real. I just make it. No matter how tired I am in the mornings when I work, or have something "time sensitive" that requires direction, I get up. proving I am in fact able to get up even though it may "seem like" I am really tired.

My Application at the Moment

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I have not been consistent with my blogs and vlogs of late. Or much else for that matter, though my mind has been consistent and has been consistent since starting process with desteni. There has been allot of resistance coming up lately. Where I just stop applying myself and literally do nothing. Just existing in observer mode, scanning around on my computer instead of directing self. And in my world doing just the minimum to keep things alive from the perspective of making sure bills are paid. So this has been my application recently. I can call it giving up on myself or something like that but that’s just “cream puffing” it. Or more specifically Manipulation. Saying I have given up on myself is like the whole “underdog thing” who suddenly rises from the ashes or out of the burning building when everyone thought he was finished. That’s one way how I attempt to perceive myself. Its a form of Hope, that I keep inside me. A Hope that I will actually become that which I perceive myself to be within my mind, within my imaginary reality, hoping that this reality is real, because in this reality, this imaginary reality, something ‘great’ happens, There is a happy ending. But this has not yet happened in my real reality. But it is interesting to see this point of waiting for or holding out hope that “something great will finally happen” like it has to, it just has to. Oh how magical. And in some way, holding onto this hope is one of the reasons I keep applying myself. But I see it as a delusion and that until I can let go of this delusion, I will never actually “get anywhere” in real practical reality. I mean I always saw myself as so much more than I am at the moment, so much more capable, so much more profound. Its like I sit here within my world and look at the potential inside myself and just look at it, but it rarely seems to translate into this reality. At the moment I have quite a ‘knot’ in my neck on the left side. (Maybe from Knot applying myself) This is a reoccurring pain which runs up the left side of my neck, through my jaw, along behind my ear and up to my temple. I slept 11 hours today. That’s the second time I have done that since getting back from the farm loooooong time ago now, 10 months or so. I just slept and laid in bed, knowing I should get out but not. Just laying there. Last night I was very tired at around 10:30 which is rare, though I just went to bed and fell asleep and woke up and was tired. I have been tired allot lately. Probably because I have been in this application of living/existing in my mind. So have noticed myself more tired and more heavy. And so its so much easier to lay in bed from a certain perspective, I mean its not that its easier its more like, I just lay there. Knowing I am in my mind, but not caring. So it is a form of giving in, and allowing the mind. Like tired of fighting the mind, god the mind is relentless. This process is not all roses. Fuck I have been doing this for 4 years now. So I have not been blogging allot lately or vlogging because I have really only had ‘this’ to report what I am writing now. This is what is actually going on with me at the moment. So there are moments like this in process. I have walked through a few. Like depression and things like that though I don’t like using the word depression as I feel it does not accurately describe my actual experience. Today I was doing my SRA chat, and Leila mentioned the point of Art, Leila always brings this point up. In terms of art I have been noticing this point of anger and spite and rage within me towards the point, like for example when I see or here of artists selling their work or anything to do with art which is connected to making money. So I have been noticing this point of anger in me here in relation to this point which shows me that it is still a point that requires direction one way or another as I apparently gave this point some direction but really just “left it hanging” I don’t do much drawing or art at the moment, in the last 2 months I have been making these designs for a lady which I decided to “try out” to get an idea of how this entire process worked from the perspective of doing graphic design as a way to make money. I feel like the lady is really taking me for a fucking ride, though this is obviously just me. I charged 250.00 for the entire project and I said within myself that I would “not do it for the money” from the perspective of I required the experience to see how this worked. Anyways I just keep quiet as this lady gives me all these specifics of what she would like and I simply get it done. I have probably spend around 80 hours on the project so far so making a grand total of about $4.00 per hour and the project has likely another 10 hours to go, though I am getting some experience and examples of “my style” in graphic design to use to promote myself in this field. This is also my first time really getting into the illustrator program which I think is really really cool. I decided I would do this. I decided I would start making logos for people as this seemed like a good idea, but have not yet gotten this point launched. It seems practical when looking at it though could not come up with a name for the company which was a problem because well, the whole idea is that I come up with cool Logos for people yet I could not even come up with one for me so I really got stuck on this point. I have a name now which I am going to use. Though if I keep going in the same direction I am at the moment this will actually not get any movement and will never happen. That is clear. Ok there it is my glorious application for all to see, not the pretty picture roses version but the actual version. It does get tiring trying to Lift myself up all the time. Because that's what I feel like allot of the time, like I am constantly just trying to lift myself up off the ground and sometimes I wonder if there is a different way. Meaning does it have to be like this where I am just always trying to, or am constantly lifting myself up off the ground or floor and getting myself up and then crash back down again. Then Ok, life (oops typo - though it is lifeing myself up as I breathe some life into me and stand up) I meant lift myself up again and then crash. Like a baby learning to walk, only it is a “mental experience” the crash happen within the mind, and ‘I’ go crashing with it. So I could go now and write about how I am going to stand and do this and do that and try and put a positive spin on things but I don’t see the point at the moment to try and “give hope” or paint a pretty picture of process. Like in the end trying to put a “positive spin on things” because that is irrelevant, either one stand or one don’t and to stand one must face all there is to face to Stand.

My apparent problems not actually Real.

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So over the last week, I basically stopped applying myself and gave up on myself for a moment allowing myself to go into a form of depression and existing in the mind. Allowing myself to believe that this depression and “way I am feeling” actually has power over me and there was “nothing I could do”. Though I see now that this is not so - In one of the recent desteni videos I watched, the point was mentioned of how people who are homeless don’t have the luxury to have addictions as their world simply does not permit it as they are forced in a way to just focus on survival and do not have time to entertain addictions or such points of self interest. So this is the point that came up today as I was looking at this point. I realized that my application of depression and giving up myself was simply not valid as it really was only considering myself. I had given power to this application of “being depressed” and believed that there was nothing I could do to get out of it. As I simply did not have the will to direct myself within my world to do the necessary actions to support what is best for all. “Well how convenient for me”. Having food, internet connection if I want it, warm bed, movies to watch, house to live in, all of this, and there are millions dying this instant because they have no food to eat or basic support, and here I am not willing to support because I have some “emotional problem” I mean take away my food, my home, my car, my internet, my basic support, then I will have a real problem. As along as I have the basic physical support, food to eat, place to sleep, I have no excuse for why I am not applying myself in every moment. If I am unable to find the will to do it for myself, then I do it for those that are starving to death right now, as this is what I would want if I were in their shoes, for those that are actually capable of applying and directing themselves in this world to do so to support those that at the moment are not able to. So in Self-Honesty if I dare utter the word, it is obvious that I was only living/existing in Self-Interest, and not actually looking at my Actual self-honest experience/situation of me where really there was nothing but my own self created/accepted emotional problems standing in the way of me directing myself to support what is best for all. In other words, there was really nothing standing in my way at all. I guess though I was judging myself quite a bit, and was/am dealing with layers of emotional shit which actually becomes a physical experience of self, but I mean in asking the question of if I am doing all I can do to support and direct myself the answer is no, and that it is clear that despite who I believe myself to be, I am still physically capable of supporting much more effectively than I am at the moment. Ok.

Process Update – Managing My World. (3 Stories)

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I am definitely within an application of “avoidance” at the moment, and allowing my mind to direct me. This morning I slept in until 7am when I planned to get up at 6am, though within me last night I can see that I “was not up for it” and believing 6am was to early as I was quite exhausted last night. And so I ‘intended’ to get up but overslept my alarm. I experienced guilt immediately upon waking as I started doing a 21 days 6 hours sleep process. So when waking I went into a point of guilt and noticed also that I was “less directive” in my day, as I was in a way, allowing me to remain ‘stuck’ in this energy of guilt and slowness. Like a point of “I have failed” When if I practically look at the situation, I mean it was 7am instead of 6am, practically speaking that will have not “great affect” on my day, and it is more practical to let go of the point and start directing myself in that which I require to do today. I saw that I allowed the point of guilt in a way as an accepted experience of self when I “fail at something” or “fall on a point” – Though the energetic experience I was allowing was not related practically to my reality but more on past experiences of guilt as what I noticed is that my day is Still Here in front of me, and so pointless to allow me to exist in this point of guilt, like making a big point of nothing really. Its interesting I see that I within this point have allowed this very initial starting point of the waking up in the morning determine the rest of my day, instead of me being the starting point of me in every moment here, where in any given moment, I can correct self, instead of locking myself into a cycle where I have to wait for the next opportunity. I remember on the farm I was faced a few times with the point of experiencing a point of depression, and that I could allow myself to exist within this point of depression, and regret, or I could Stop, and get up off my ass and apply myself within my world. This is the point that I saw this morning, where I realized that I do not have to exist within this point of guilt or depression which was “triggered by sleeping in” Fuck that, I can Stop, and correct myself and start applying myself in my day. Last night I met with an x-girlfriend of mine who I had been in a relationship with for 8 years and who I broke up with around the time I started with desteni. So was interesting to sit and chat last night as I had not spoken with her for couple years now. I noticed that I within the discussion I experience quite a bit of paint in my upper shoulders, back and neck as we communicated, so see a point of straining myself and clenching myself within during our communication last night where I was accessing points of mind within our interaction and within communicating. So interesting to see this tension and pain come up immediately within starting to communicate with this being. Its like a point of “really wanting to get a message though” within which I tense up my entire back and shoulders. And even a point of not trusting my expression, communication, words to communicate effectively. Like wanting her to agree with me and see and understand my words and affirm what it is I am speaking about. Though overall the conversation/discussion was quite cool. Another point that occurred yesterday was that the point of doing “furniture assembly and delivery” for the furniture shop I am currently working with opened up. This is quite a cool point and can see there is some excitement within me towards this though , I am also experiencing a “straining” within this excitement I experience, like “what if things don’t work out” so it is like two adverse points manifesting a strain within me. So basically yesterday within discussion of possibly expanding my duties at the furniture shop, I inquired if “they have a delivery service” because I had noticed that there are usually a few items in the back waiting to be picked up by customers and most often these items are smallish – and so wondered if “there was a market for this” in where why not I “Offer the service of doing the delivery” as I at the moment have a van and so can fit in some smaller items for delivery. So I discussed the point some with the owner and she said she would pass along my number to clients, and also recommend me to clients who require small furniture delivery. So this is quite exciting because I see here another opportunity of taking this point on as a business, of which I can do furniture delivery and assembly. So I have done some research today on the point and this seems very realistic so am going to take this point on, as I also see that this will not simply “end after winter” like the “Snow Removal Service” but can actually walk this point and develop this point for a longer period of time. So now I am at the stage where, I see this point and am exceeded, yet must breathe as reality only move so fast and thus must take this point on “practically” and “common sensically” and like the “Snow Removal Business” There are points of uncertainty with regards to money, and how/if I will manage the point of getting this going. I also got a call yesterday which I have not yet returned about, would ya know it, doing “furniture assembly” lol – I actually had found a job application online doing this and inquired about the point which funny enough, opened up inside of me the point of inquiring with my current company about offering my services through them. Lol, So this is quite funny as this is similar to what happened with the snow removal service where I initially “began the point” by browsing through jobs, and going for a job interview, and then within looking at the whole point deciding to simply “do the point for myself” instead of “working for others” doing something I can actually do on my own. So I am sure I will update later to indicate/show, what’s working, and what not, and the type of specificity and application required to ensuring that these “businesses or service offers” are practically functional. Though for now will keep it simply and keep it physical.

Layer of Depression – There’s no Point to it. – Nov 3 / 2010

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Layer of Depression - There's no Point to it. - Nov 3 / 2010   Ok one more point before I go to sleep. I have noticed that “my life” is like “all depressive” its like such a slight experience of myself but at the same time this “slight experience of depression” is constant, like it is there in the background of my experience each and every day, and in every moment. So have now identified this point in my world and within the experience of me so can now work with it here to no longer accept and allow this point of “depression” to simply exist in my world for “no apparent reason”. Its like I have simply just accepted this point, this way of being or experiencing myself or living within my world. Where there is like a layer of depression around me always, and is like a cloud that exist in my world always, where it is kinda groggy all the time. I mean there is no point to this but at the same time will have to identify specifically how I actually manifest this point within the experience of myself in my world.   At the moment I see the point of fun coming up from the perspective of identifying myself as one who is “boring” and really just bland in my day to day interactions, like pretty basic kind of living. Working on the computer, drinking coffee, writing, like basic shit, though there is not reason why I cannot enjoy and express me within this and be more “light” so to speak, because this “depression” point that I now see coming up in my world is “more heavy” Ok just thought Id write this out before sleeping.   Ok now I am going to bed, and also get up tomorrow in enjoyment, and actually live and enjoy me in this world, No point in being a stick in the mud.