Tag Archives: society

Investigating What it Means to Be Here and to Be Self Present.

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So I was looking at this point of “slowing down” today. Also the point of how I only have so much ‘tolerance’ to do certain tasks for only so long and then eventually I have to take a break. I have been noticing that my attention span is quite short in that I often “take breaks” and work in “bursts of energy”. What I understand, and am working on correcting is not to apply myself within ‘energy’ which is clearly being indicated that I am doing, seen within requiring to take frequent breaks or only having so much ‘tolerance’ or ‘focus’ to perform a task. Instead of rather applying myself within a point of constancy and consistency where I remain stable and consistent in ones application so I do not crash, or run out of energy or existing within jumping back and forth between the two polarities of getting lots and lots done and then going to the opposite polarity and get absolutely nothing done. Rather I am exploring this point of Consistency as to direct myself into and as an application that Stands, and that doesn’t crash every few days, as so far this has been the case. I have always considered myself to be disciplined which to me meant being able to “get tasks done” and not giving into laziness. Though at the moment this “way that I have always considered myself” is not coming through, but rather only existing as a hope at the moment instead of a living application. So one aspect within exploring this point of how to direct and apply myself in my world so I stop ending up in the “crash” is the aspect of slowing down. So what do I mean exactly by slowing down. One dimension of this is “not rushing” interesting I have written about this point quite a bit and yet here I am again writing out the point again. I find this point of slowing down to be one of the coolest points of my process actually because of the moments where in I do actually apply myself within this point of slowing down, and how I see the absolute power that exist within this point of slowing down and remaining here. It is a point of Self Presence where one is Completely Here in what one is doing, and so for myself have found this to be a point or thee point which I see would really support me within my world, within this reality, and within process. I also see that I have gauged my day where in there is only so much possible within a day, and that from a certain perspective I see that I attempt to do waaayyyy to much, and then there is this “holding my breath” that takes place as I move through my day not wanting anything to interrupt me or get in my way because if I step of track for even one second then I won’t be able to get everything done – I see that this is not Self Presence and Self Here and that this is not supporting me to become effective in my day. So I require to direct myself in such a way that I have ample time to direct each point as if comes up and remain effective and “up to date” within the system where the bills are paid and I am feeding myself properly and things like this. I remember in art school and when I used to make lots of art work that I would eat not very much. And that today as well at the end of the night I was starting to feel hungry and realized that I was in fact neglecting this food point and not effectively feeding myself because it just takes to much time and I am attempting to “save time” by not eating as much or by eating out. So Even Here I see this as a problem and that I should not be within such an application where I am trying to “Save time” as this is indicating that I am behind and within an application of energy instead of just being here within breath.

The Manly Man – Self Investigation

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So a point that has come up within investigating “job opportunities” is the definition one ‘receives’ within working a particular kind of job within the world. Now I have been investigating the option of doing graphic design work, because I have the basic foundation to be able to provide this service. Though I have not yet been able to “find the point” within me to really commit to the point from the perspective of “feeling Here” within the point, and stable and satisfied at this direction. So I have been investigating what is going on here, and why I have not yet been able to find a stable starting point within this, and so looking at “Ok what is up here” One point that has come up is related to a point of self definition of self in relation to how I perceive and believe and define a “Man” in this world to be, and what "A Man" does, and how a "Man" acts. And how within taking on a point such as graphic design that I would not be able to fulfill this ‘aspect’ of myself, to be "A Man" to experience me as "A Man". Like for example the “Men” of this reality that are practical and work with their hands and can be relied on and trusted and who are stable and Big and Strong and Manly and Effective within their world, and drive a big strong truck and are real manly worker type men but also strong in business and make money and are stable support in there reality. Like the type of Man that builds a house or Runs their own business. So when I look at graphic design, I do not see this aspect of "A Manly Man" within it. What I see is a man or person who is artsy, who is a pushover, who is weak, who is flimsy, and not stable or practical. Fuck interesting definition I have given to the type of person who does graphic design. So I have identified this point which I am getting into now as one of the reasons why I simply have not been able to place myself in the graphic design point. Because I would not be able to fulfill that point which I am experiencing myself as ‘lacking’ which would be the first point described as the typical worker practical stable Man. When I was on the farm I would experience me as being quite Manly when I was working with Manly tools like hammers and saws and cutting boards and drilling stuff together and lifting heavy things, and mixing cement and digging in the earth – This fulfilled my Manly Definition and so I experienced a point of satisfaction within myself within fulfilling this point. As I was the stable practical man worker. Though at the same time thus was not the entire picture, as at times I felt like I was abandoning my “creative side” like writing and art and information processing. So from a certain perspective perhaps a point of fulfillment will not be had unless I can find a point which satisfy both of these “sides of self” Now Also I see that, in fact, these are Definitions given through society and defined within ones mind in terms of who one has accepted and allowed oneself to be. Is it really necessary to “work a manly job” to fulfill this self definition point or aspect of self which I perceive/experience myself as lacking or not having fulfilled at the moment, or not being encompassed within the point of doing for example graphic design. Within the context of process and stopping the mind these aspects of self are based in the mind and thus “not real” from a certain perspective. From Here I see the point in actually looking at this ‘definition’ or ‘aspect’ of self which I have defined as “Manly” for instance and looking at how I have separated myself from this part of me and investigate how to “bring these points back to self” And investigate why I am seeing or believing that to fulfill these points I must “stand at” that point within this world which is defined as “Manly”, and seen by the world as Manly, And is this the only way to ‘amalgamate’ this point into and as myself. Also to investigate the definition I have placed within graphic design. So I require to re-look at my definition of Strength also because I am seeing that I have allowed myself to place the point of “strength” into this definition I have described as the “manly man” and that this is what strength is, and so attempt to satisfy my definition of strength by “becoming this point” I find it odd that I only experience myself as being satisfied and strong and stable and effective if I do ‘those acts’ that create this experience of self. And how within doing something like "graphic design" that point of strength is simply not there. Like for instance doing Snow Removal satisfy some of the elements of this point within me. Its like the point of “wanting to feel like a man” and experience me as worthy within this and strong, like a tree. Though being completely linked to definitions of gender and roles within society and personalities. Fuck. Ok so will continue to investigate this point. Lol - Interesting the Greek Meaning for the Name ANDREW is MANLY