I woke up this morning from a ‘peculiar’ dream. I use the word ‘peculiar’ because it had wolves in it, an animal that I don’t often have in my dreams. I was out in the forest in a camp area and there were these wolves around, and we kind of like “moving in on me” Like being predatory. I experienced my life being threatened by the wolves and feared for my life. But I also had a gun and bullets, And I was shooting the wolves. They were big grey wolves. And I remember at one point I was quickly loading my gun which was a hand gun, and I remember placing the bullet in the revolver, and then getting it set to shoot, and as the wolf approached I aimed at him and fired. He flinched slightly but wasn’t sure if I hit him, So I fired again, and he slowed up immediately and began to stumble, then collapsed on the ground, but was still alive. I Then walked up close to him as he laid on the ground, aimed the gun right at his head, and blasted. Then immediately woke up. The Points that come up within this is the point of Morality in where I was not “going halfers” on this thing but was going to make sure that that wolf was Dead. So within the Act of Killing the wolf I simply did what I needed to do, as my life was being threatened. So there was a certainty and a determination there, although this was based entirely on fear, fear of death. Where the world (oops meant to type wolf here, interesting typo) represented the predator or pack of predators threatening my existence. From a certain perspective I can relate this point of the Wolf to the mind and the accepted and allowed battle and struggle I engage in within and towards the mind where in I experience myself in a way fighting myself as the mind, and fighting with myself as the mind. So Here the Wolf actually represent me as the mind as the predator, where I have created myself at the moment within and as my mind to be a predator. And that this predator must has a very “single minded” existence, to be a predator, and to kill and survive off its kill. So From this perspective the Wolf also represent the point of Survival, as the World (Wolf, oops typo again) represent also the point of survival where one must be and has to become ruthless and vicious to be able to survive in this World! I watched some Vlogs today of other people in process and did my daily stuff with regards to Desteni and Ratings Etc. I watched Gian’s Vlog on “pretending” where one is always “pretending” to be something. It is a pretty cool point actually, and immediately saw the point within myself of how I am constantly attempting to “pretend” to be ‘Stable’ Because I wish I was stable. I Wish I was stable and directive and effective in my application and direction in my world, and that much of the time I experience myself as “not this” so then must ‘compensate’ by ‘pretending’ to be stable. And also simply how I pretend to be allot of things in my world. Particularly when I am with people, I see that I actually present myself in a very specific way, in how I speak, the tonality, of my voice, and words I chose. The way I move my physical body, what I talk about, everything of myself go into this presentation point of where I present myself as someone of importance, of strength, of knowledge, of Direction, of Knowing, as Disciplined, as Wise. So I ask myself – Why must I ‘present’ or ‘pretend’ to be these things. The point I see with regards to why I must present these points as myself instead of simply just being here as myself, is because I believe I am not these things, and actually desire to be these things. This reveals that I actually believe that I am not strength, that I am not calm and cool and collected about the way I speak, that I am not stable. The one about speaking in particular, comes up prominently here because I see that this is one point that I really want to be able to do. And its a point where I actually judge myself as being not effective at. Communication. And actually as I watched the Video Gian, made a point of jealously came up where I was jealous because I find in my Vlogs, that I am not stable and directive in my words and what I speak. I see the point as well coming up where I imagine others watching the Vlogs I made, or people who have come to know me “looking up to me” or “making note of” my ability to communicate from the perspective of this being an effective point with me that comes through quite ‘Artfully’ I will say. So Yes this point exist within my as a desire, as a point where I tend to go into judgement and criticism towards myself around my ‘ability’ to speak and communicate with others. Another Point today is I saw a Car Accident! It was pretty big I’d Say, like one of the biggest ones I have encountered in real life, though I have not seen many. This One unfolded right before me – (Ouch, sharp pain/pressure in left temple) I pulled over to the side and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to go and see if everyone was Ok, because it possibly could have seriously injured someone because it was quite an impact. Basically what happened is a Truck pulled was making left turn (or in south Africa would be life making a right turn) where you have to pull out into the intersection, and this truck obviously failed to look both ways and a car slammed into the side of the truck. When I saw this this first thing that came up inside me, was “should I go see if everyone is ok” then the thought came up of me just “wanting to be a hero” So it was at this point I hesitated. By the time I had pulled my Van around into a position that was safe for others on the road, there was a Man who parked his truck and was there checking to see if everything was ok. I was kind of relieved that he did that because then I didn’t have to. But I also experienced guilt for not Just Directing Myself Immediately when I saw the point unfold to Assist. Its like a situation that is so different than what I am used to, I ‘wonder’ how I am supposed to Act, and if its normal or not to check to see if everything is Ok. A point I see coming up at the moment is the point of where I actually see myself as being not effective in a situation like this. Particularly in relation to consoling another or comforting another because I see myself as kind of cold or physically distant, and not very good at actually supporting someone in an ‘emotional’ way, yet at the same time, I don’t mean from the minds perspective, but simply being there for support in a moment of crisis. So yes I experienced guilt come up in this moment, like I failed myself life essentially. This Brought up the point of a past memory from along time ago where a fight happened right in front of me and my friend was being surrounded by about 10 people and there was this point which then escalated and he was right in the middle of it. I watched it develop right before my eyes, but did nothing, I stood back, I hesitated. So with regards to this I see that in that moment I experienced a point of shame and weakness. And this point came up today as I saw this car crash unfold and I did not direct myself to assist. It was like a point of fear caused me to hesitate, to question the whole thing first. Fear of not being able to handle the situation. Fear of not being effective with handling the situation, Fear of just getting in the way, and being out of place. Fascinating because I don’t really see the fear of danger within this, so I wasn’t afraid of the danger element of it – it was the social element, the working with people, and the fear of not being supportive or helpful in a situation like this.
I am continuing with my Art Studio Process Blogs where by I am writing on my experiences and points that come up in relation to my process of working in my Art Studio this month.
So far since being back in a studio for the past 3 days it has been interesting to see different points coming up again that used to be a part of me/my experience in the past as I participated within this whole Art Point and being “The Artist” and playing this entire role. Because that is just it, “The Artist” is actually a kind of Personality that one construct and participate in. A suit that one put on, an ‘idea’ that one “take on” as oneself and live the entire ‘role’ of “The-Artist”. Yet it is not in fact real, Particularly within the context of who one is really existing as, and what really goes on inside self. When one look at what actually goes on inside one’s mind, it is far from the idea one creates about oneself as “The Artist” or any other Personality that one live out. Sex, Money, Competition, winning, Survival, jealousy, do I look good in these clothes... This is who people actually are and no matter what personality you project and act out, We are all the same, Walking Egos only concerned about ourselves, concerned about surviving, Not seeing and not caring about the millions dying around us everyday. Our personality software does not included in its programming anything to do with the people that die daily of starvation...unless you are walking some saviour philanthropist personality - thus these apparent unique personalities we have are really quite delusion when one realize that we are all just concerned with the same Self Interested shit as everyone else and if one is self honest would realize that “greatness” cannot exist within a world where so much Suffering and Abuse gets completely ignored.
“The Artist” is not real. Being/living the Artist is simply another way to separate ourselves from each other trying to become something more, something exalted. I see this as trying to superimpose value onto yourself without actually living self value. It is like a short cut. We take on these personality suits as a way to create a fictional perception of value instead of actually valuing ourselves though honouring life and ourselves in fact by walking/living what is best for all in every moment. If we actually value ourselves we would not require to try and build ourselves up all the time by creating special ideas about ourselves as being some superhero with special abilities.
I even seen this point come up today as I painted and I noticed myself starting to generate this idea about myself and about my art being unique and special...Though when I really stand back, it is just a picture depicting some stuff hanging on a wall, nothing miraculous like is so easily able to be perceived.
This is a point that I trapped myself within previously as I walked the whole art point. I projected “special value” onto art I saw. I remember going to Italy and looking at the Art Works by the Master Artists and I was in search for that magical special ingredient that I believed actually existed and is what made a masterpiece a masterpiece. I had a similar experience to this when I tried out meditation and would sit and close my eyes and trying to relax ....like the spiritual guru who stresses himself out because they really really want to be relaxed and zen like.
Though Humanity is really good in believing in shit that is not there – This may be an indication of how we are able to continue living day in and day out believing that “everything is ok” meanwhile the world and our lives are all falling apart around us.
I have realized that there is no special meaning or value or ingredient that makes a masterpiece. It is literally just pictures on walls which we have attached special value to but that obviously is not special as how can specialness exist in a world where we watch human beings starve to death on the television and then switch to see who’s on the red carpet and seeing the score on the game.
And so the same with the Art that I make. The point is not to create and project some special value onto it that is not really there. That is delusional, that is Ego. Or to, through the Art, by projecting special meaning onto it, create an idea about myself as being unique and special.
I am me. I am who I really am, I am what really goes on inside me. The truth of me, the real me that exist underneath all the beliefs I have about myself. Thus the point is to not create ideas about myself but get to that real stuff of who I am exiting as and work with that. That real shit that we ALL are, no different from one another.
So yes, I noticed this point of me going into this point of projecting special value onto the art I have been making where I perceive it to be something special. Like the singers who go to audition for American Idol or some show like that and they believe that they are good at singing but when they get to the audition, it turns out that they are actually not able sing, (from a technical perspective) yet they themselves believed they were great at singing? At least that is what I was seeing when I would watch some of those auditions – Though in relation to what I am doing with the art – The point is to not project onto the art something that is not there at all, and in this keep it practical and keep it physical. A painting is not going to magically save the world. Unless of course you believe in Ascension and 2012 and being saved by some miracle, then you might still believe in the whole art thing, that “Art” actually really exist, when “Art” is in fact “Ego” as it is just an idea of values and meanings created and projected onto stuff.
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