Tag Archives: daily writing
Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010
A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.
I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.
Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.
Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.
Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .
And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.
I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant. And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.
In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way
Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough.
Its like the point of supporting laziness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being
The Burden of Money – Exploring Emotional Reaction Point – Oct 18th/10
Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room.
One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture.
I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow. That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!...Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps.
Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked.
The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction.
I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this.
I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool.
I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school.
I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another
She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection.
How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective.
I am going to stop there for tonight.
Writing out my Day – Excess Energy – October 16
Up at 7:00 this morning, I find each morning I experience a disappointment that it is now morning time. Its like the first initial thought/experience that comes up like, ohh nooo, its morning...already. Anyways I never went into the point, I just got up. I did some writing this morning about my job because I noticed still that there was a fear that kept coming up inside me with regards to the job. So I waited today to hear if I would be getting the job or not, and found it a challenge to not go into those moments of wondering if I would or wouldn’t get the job, and how that would out-flow in my life. I never herd back from them so, who knows what the deal is. I experience actually a relief from this, like “I never really wanted the job anyways” It was a similar experience when I decided not to go to the states to do software, like point of relief. Though I see the point coming up here of it not really mattering where one is and that ones experience of self is determined by self and is not limited to where self is. But I did experience a relief today when I did not get the call back for the job. Mainly because this means that I can still work but, in a way will be able to retain a degree of flexibility for what to do in the future. So I applied for some construction type jobs today, joyfully might I add with much less resistance than a few days ago. I am much more stable within this point now of applying for a full-time job, and I am looking at the trades, like construction or renovation stuff as skills that I would like to become proficient in. So am applying for some jobs like this at the moment as well.
I would say I had a slow day, just reading and writing mostly. I went out to get groceries, much of my life has been like this recently like just very basic day to day stuff. My Friend just returned home now, I can here him upstairs talking. I just now had the urge to get up and close the door. The point of Keeping People Locked out of my world. I was looking at this point today of how I ‘react’ to people still and how in a way I have isolated myself in my room and away from people which has been somewhat easy to accommodate due to the fact that I basically have no more friends as I have stopped my participation in what those friendships represented, and so found/find it difficult to form new intimate relationships with others because I have not interest in participating in what is generally accepted as “normal conduct” So in this taking a bit of time to establish – friendships that is- I have much of my time has been with just me by myself, which has been cool, as I have found a certain stability of myself that I had not ever had before. So I am seeing that that is something to build on. Though my pattern in my life has been one of isolation and aloneness and I was quite satisfied with how things were going on the farm in South Africa because I was placed in a situation where there were many people around and within this I become much more accessible to people, where now I see myself as being more closed off in a way.
What else. I noticed I have a pimple on my forehead and I was like ‘shit’ because I have to go to help out in the furniture store tomorrow and there is this girl there that is my age, and I see the point of me wanting to be a perfect picture representation to this being. Quite a fuck up this, seeing here that the point of myself as actually walking and living as a Life is not yet in place and far from given that I still react to a pimple on my head, showing the nature of myself as my mind in how I have created myself as reactions, and thoughts, and experiences throughout my life. Still not yet at a stage of actually walking equal to life and equal to the physical where “a pimple” is not seen/experienced as a ‘detriment’ to self but actually a supportive point of the body actually releasing some shit.
Another point, I have noticed myself being quite filled with this energetic charge throughout my day. It is actually quite extensive. I experience it like an energetic current that runs through my entire body. Normally I would have went into chewing my nails as a way to ‘cope’ with this but now that I have stopped that, I am seeing that there is this energy current in my body quite a bit during my day, so like when I sit down to write or read or something, this current is like magnetizing my body. And I become fidgety. I see this at the moment of simply the outflow of all the thoughts and constructs, running, and turning, and interacting within me from the perspective of Our world is Our responsibility, in that if I am going to allow this stuff to exist as myself, than I will face it equal and one. There is not escaping. Thus there is this energetic current that has become annoying that just fills me up. Its like I have committed to stopping the actions which allow for the perpetuation and regeneration of these energies where in certain specific acts I would discharge specific energy related to specific constructs. Now within stopping the actions, I find that I must also along with this stop the accumulation of this energy through actually effectively stopping thoughts and experiences inside of me, otherwise the energy just build up in my body and I become electrified and fidgety.
I am going to sleep now,
Goodnight.
Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010
October 5th Writing Out My Day.
First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today. As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of - I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak.
I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me.
I allow myself to let go of desteni.
I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me.
I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all.
In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened,
I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point.
So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there.
Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God...lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all.
I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak.
So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me.
In terms of education - the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points.
Goodnight.
Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing, Sept 20th – Wolf Dream and Car Crash
I woke up this morning from a ‘peculiar’ dream. I use the word ‘peculiar’ because it had wolves in it, an animal that I don’t often have in my dreams. I was out in the forest in a camp area and there were these wolves around, and we kind of like “moving in on me” Like being predatory. I experienced my life being threatened by the wolves and feared for my life. But I also had a gun and bullets, And I was shooting the wolves. They were big grey wolves. And I remember at one point I was quickly loading my gun which was a hand gun, and I remember placing the bullet in the revolver, and then getting it set to shoot, and as the wolf approached I aimed at him and fired. He flinched slightly but wasn’t sure if I hit him, So I fired again, and he slowed up immediately and began to stumble, then collapsed on the ground, but was still alive. I Then walked up close to him as he laid on the ground, aimed the gun right at his head, and blasted. Then immediately woke up. The Points that come up within this is the point of Morality in where I was not “going halfers” on this thing but was going to make sure that that wolf was Dead. So within the Act of Killing the wolf I simply did what I needed to do, as my life was being threatened. So there was a certainty and a determination there, although this was based entirely on fear, fear of death. Where the world (oops meant to type wolf here, interesting typo) represented the predator or pack of predators threatening my existence. From a certain perspective I can relate this point of the Wolf to the mind and the accepted and allowed battle and struggle I engage in within and towards the mind where in I experience myself in a way fighting myself as the mind, and fighting with myself as the mind. So Here the Wolf actually represent me as the mind as the predator, where I have created myself at the moment within and as my mind to be a predator. And that this predator must has a very “single minded” existence, to be a predator, and to kill and survive off its kill. So From this perspective the Wolf also represent the point of Survival, as the World (Wolf, oops typo again) represent also the point of survival where one must be and has to become ruthless and vicious to be able to survive in this World! I watched some Vlogs today of other people in process and did my daily stuff with regards to Desteni and Ratings Etc. I watched Gian’s Vlog on “pretending” where one is always “pretending” to be something. It is a pretty cool point actually, and immediately saw the point within myself of how I am constantly attempting to “pretend” to be ‘Stable’ Because I wish I was stable. I Wish I was stable and directive and effective in my application and direction in my world, and that much of the time I experience myself as “not this” so then must ‘compensate’ by ‘pretending’ to be stable. And also simply how I pretend to be allot of things in my world. Particularly when I am with people, I see that I actually present myself in a very specific way, in how I speak, the tonality, of my voice, and words I chose. The way I move my physical body, what I talk about, everything of myself go into this presentation point of where I present myself as someone of importance, of strength, of knowledge, of Direction, of Knowing, as Disciplined, as Wise. So I ask myself – Why must I ‘present’ or ‘pretend’ to be these things. The point I see with regards to why I must present these points as myself instead of simply just being here as myself, is because I believe I am not these things, and actually desire to be these things. This reveals that I actually believe that I am not strength, that I am not calm and cool and collected about the way I speak, that I am not stable. The one about speaking in particular, comes up prominently here because I see that this is one point that I really want to be able to do. And its a point where I actually judge myself as being not effective at. Communication. And actually as I watched the Video Gian, made a point of jealously came up where I was jealous because I find in my Vlogs, that I am not stable and directive in my words and what I speak. I see the point as well coming up where I imagine others watching the Vlogs I made, or people who have come to know me “looking up to me” or “making note of” my ability to communicate from the perspective of this being an effective point with me that comes through quite ‘Artfully’ I will say. So Yes this point exist within my as a desire, as a point where I tend to go into judgement and criticism towards myself around my ‘ability’ to speak and communicate with others. Another Point today is I saw a Car Accident! It was pretty big I’d Say, like one of the biggest ones I have encountered in real life, though I have not seen many. This One unfolded right before me – (Ouch, sharp pain/pressure in left temple) I pulled over to the side and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to go and see if everyone was Ok, because it possibly could have seriously injured someone because it was quite an impact. Basically what happened is a Truck pulled was making left turn (or in south Africa would be life making a right turn) where you have to pull out into the intersection, and this truck obviously failed to look both ways and a car slammed into the side of the truck. When I saw this this first thing that came up inside me, was “should I go see if everyone is ok” then the thought came up of me just “wanting to be a hero” So it was at this point I hesitated. By the time I had pulled my Van around into a position that was safe for others on the road, there was a Man who parked his truck and was there checking to see if everything was ok. I was kind of relieved that he did that because then I didn’t have to. But I also experienced guilt for not Just Directing Myself Immediately when I saw the point unfold to Assist. Its like a situation that is so different than what I am used to, I ‘wonder’ how I am supposed to Act, and if its normal or not to check to see if everything is Ok. A point I see coming up at the moment is the point of where I actually see myself as being not effective in a situation like this. Particularly in relation to consoling another or comforting another because I see myself as kind of cold or physically distant, and not very good at actually supporting someone in an ‘emotional’ way, yet at the same time, I don’t mean from the minds perspective, but simply being there for support in a moment of crisis. So yes I experienced guilt come up in this moment, like I failed myself life essentially. This Brought up the point of a past memory from along time ago where a fight happened right in front of me and my friend was being surrounded by about 10 people and there was this point which then escalated and he was right in the middle of it. I watched it develop right before my eyes, but did nothing, I stood back, I hesitated. So with regards to this I see that in that moment I experienced a point of shame and weakness. And this point came up today as I saw this car crash unfold and I did not direct myself to assist. It was like a point of fear caused me to hesitate, to question the whole thing first. Fear of not being able to handle the situation. Fear of not being effective with handling the situation, Fear of just getting in the way, and being out of place. Fascinating because I don’t really see the fear of danger within this, so I wasn’t afraid of the danger element of it – it was the social element, the working with people, and the fear of not being supportive or helpful in a situation like this.
Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing
I am going to write about my day today. The first point I will discuss happened as I was walking through town going from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ as a was busy doing “system stuff” meaning, getting my taxes done, and dealing with banks and things of this nature. As I stopped at the street corner, waiting for the walk signal to appear on the machine across the street so that I could proceed, I noticed that there were two guys standing on the other side of the street representing some “not-for-profit” organization and they were surely going to ask me if I was interested. I already knew that I was not interested, and simply had planned to walk straight through. The interesting point I noticed as approached the two individuals was the way in which I presented myself as I passed by. As I drew closer I noticed that I began to change my posture towards the two individuals and presented myself in a way which clearly demonstrated that “I was not interested” however within this, I noticed that I “went into a point of energy” where I noticed that I experienced myself actually projecting a kind of energy of ‘force’, almost like what you see in anime comics and videos where the being is able to generate a form of energy, often represented by a king of like blue glowing ball of energy in the beings hands which they are able to throw forwards as I kind of weapon. Well this is exactly what I did, I experienced myself as if I was projecting some kind of energetic force field which definitely was not based in equality, meaning this ‘force’ field was meant to “overpower” the two individuals in front of me, where is was to indicate “look out”, “coming through”, “don’t bother me” “Get out of the way”. The whole event lasted 15 seconds. The question that came up within me was , why did I go into this energy kind of projection presentation of myself? Why did I believe that I had to project this kind of energy? Why was I simply not able to walk past in silence where I do not going into a point of energy. If I look at the point now, my intent was to avoid any interaction at all with the beings in front of me, So I presented myself as not approachable. Although from my perspective I see that a correction is necessary, where in I do/did not require to go into a point of energy presentation and projection in that moment, but am actually able to remain here as myself, as breath, as self presence and simply walk on through, or simply face the point without resorting to energy participation. That was that event. I went to the Art supplies store which was pretty cool, I often enjoy going to the art supplies store and purchasing art supplies for upcoming art. I hadn’t been there in a long time, and am acquaintances with the owners of the store, so said hello to them, and spoke to them I little bit about where I was and why I had not been in the store in over two years, as before I was nearly a daily occurrence in the store. I purchased 4 sheets of paper – which they packaged in a large plastic bag against some cardboard so that the paper would not get damaged. I plan to use the paper to make some comical sense drawings that are a little larger in size. I find now that I am in a way restructuring art into my world so to speak. It has been so long since I lived in the city, that I, in a way have not reference point for how quickly it moves, and/or what type of pace it moves at where in I must ensure that my day to day movements and actions are in alignment with being able to support myself effectively within a city setting. So from this perspective I am still in a feeling out stage, Like I mean, can I even spend 3 hours a few nights a week working on a drawing? Or will this cause me to not be able to make my rent at the end of the month, just points like this I am looking at. Because I find now within my life I am busy arranging it in a way where I can be most effective, where my focus is to in essence “lead by example” from the perspective of what I am doing with Desteni, and the Structural Resonance Alignment course, and Standing within “What is Best for ALL” where in my day to day actions bring forth the necessary changes so to speak to create a world system that support all beings equally and support what is best for all life, and until this is in place, And to direct myself in this way until it is done, and all beings are placed within a point of Equality in FACT, where now All beings are supported equally, and have equal access to education, where beings are in a way “free” from this current system of enslavement that we have created for ourselves. Within this point I also was looking at the point today of “Making an accurate assessment” of the ‘movement’ or ‘pace’ of the city and within doing this was observing my own movement and pace, and that I realized that I was rushing slightly, meaning, If I establish my assessment of the “pace of the city” in so that I am best able to direct myself to be most effective on a “movement” from myself that is in fact ‘Rushing’ and based in ‘energy’ which inevitably will balance out, that I in fact will make an ‘inaccurate’ assessment because it will be based on a “pace” is in a way ‘exaggerated’ So from this perspective I see the point of being effective in my world will come from, not where I rush around as fast as possible and attempt to get everything done kind of assessment of how to effectively direct myself within the city, but rather a stable, constant, expression and application of myself, where I simply move, as breath. This will be sustainable and repeatable, and will give me a much more accurate assessment of what specific actions I must take and when, in order to effectively support myself within my environment. Another point I have observed myself participating in is the point of judgement towards others from the perspective of seeing myself within a kind of exalted position in comparison to others, because I apparently know more than them, or have a more expansive understanding or knowledge base of how this reality operation. Within this I see that I am not actually able to see other beings within consideration of where they are in there process, and that in fact I once stood in exactly the same position as them, and yet, here I am seeing myself as ‘more-than’ that being, and kind of presenting myself as a wise wise being. I also see within this point that I am holding others away from me, instead of embracing them as equals. And communicating with them from the perspective of equality where I stand in equality within communication and interaction, instead of kind of “standing off” or not actually allowing the other or myself to participate and interact within equality, which from a certain perspective is more intimate. Its like I form a judgement of the individual first, who I accept as that being, and then interact with them according to the judgement I have formed about them within my mind. And that this judgement actually creates a wall, a barrier in-between myself and that being which create only a very limited type of interaction with that being. Ok some observations on my day.