Tag Archives: self worth

Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010

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Writing Myself to Freedom - Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010 I worked today so I decided to get up at 7:30 instead of 8:00 so I had some extra time. I did experience myself as ‘more tired’ but got up and began my day. I arrived at work, which was actually someone’s house whom we were fixing a table that had been delivered there during their home re-modelling. This is actually quite interesting because at the moment I am working “very part time” meaning filling in for a friend who is out of the city, at this “high-end” furniture store, where I go in and put together the furniture to be displayed on the floor. I find this interesting because while in South Africa, I spent allot of time building furniture, so in a way I am actually a good fit for this Job. So see what comes out of it. So Anyways while I was helping with the fixing of this table today, there was this other guy there also who has a business called “furniture Medic” where he has clients around the city and basically he fixes furniture. It was pretty cool to see that this job actually exist, and so when I saw this guy doing this, I saw myself doing that as well, and see that as something that I actually would enjoy doing and would be a way to practically apply myself within the skills that I have. I mean, at the moment I am looking for various job potentials so just placing myself in the shoes of different occupations to see what that would entail and if it is something that I would like to pursue. Basically I saw this Furniture Medic thingy as pretty cool. Though still I am also seeing that something like that would take time and expertise to develop. But I am quite satisfied with this Job thus far. Though it is very temporary perhaps, will see what comes of it. Its also interesting from the perspective of money. Because this is an expensive store so lots of rich people coming in and buying furniture for thousands of dollars. Obviously the value of things is so fucking arbitrary, and not based on equality in any way what so ever. Like some of the stuff in the store is like 1000 dollars for a stool that you could get, in better quality from some farmer for 10 bucks. Its astonishing that we have gotten to the position where we are unable to see the value of things anymore and have bought into the current money system so deeply and are now blind to our actually practical physical reality. Its like everyone just “plays the game” and attempts to “build themselves up” by buying expensive things to “pad their status” or should I say buying expensive ‘couches’ to ‘cushion’ their status. So quite interesting to observe this point, and this money interaction taking place. Its like the point of money for many who come into the store is almost of “no importance” like they have this paper which they have allot of and just want to spend it, and not really considering the context of this world, or where that money actually come from because simply, they have it! I Dressed in black and grey today with nice black shoes so I fit in. So I took care to ‘present myself’ within the system. Black Jeans, Grey sweater, and black shoes, I matched the furniture! While I was at the this woman’s house who was remodelling she had this one massive painting and a few other contemporary pieces as well in her kitchen, interesting to see. In seeing this I considered the point of how people buy Art as a ‘statement’ of who they are and ‘what they are worth’ meaning it adds to their status, which is entirely based on money and nothing else. So for example they would not consider buying the work of an artist who sells their art cheap, no matter how skilled the work was, because it would ‘devalue’ their status from the perspective of making them ‘worth less’ (interesting worth less = worthless) So they rather buy something expensive so they retain their value, So from this perspective if you had two works exactly the same, they would buy the expensive one as to ensure their status remain “upper-class” I always get the urge to start marketing my work to these people, but just cant get myself to do it. Its tempting but I fear that I would eliminated another market by doing this, not that I really sell much work anyways. Sometimes I think that I have priced my work in no-mans-land like just can’t seem to find the right point with it. Speaking of which, when I was done work today and got home to check my e-mail, I had received a mail notifying me that I had Won a Draw and will receive a 25.00 gift certificate to an art supply shop here in town. I remember the thought that I had as I filled out that form a few weeks back – that I had good odds to win because if everyone felt as I did in that moment with regards to filling out the form to qualify for the gift certificate, nearly no one would do it, because I didn’t really feel like it, but I remember in that moment I simply pushed through the resistance and took the physical actions and filled out the form. And now won the prize. That’s cool. This whole art point is interesting. I experience the point as quite irrelevant at times. Today I placed one of my paintings in this frame that I had bought a while back and simply wanted to test to see what the painting looked like in it. As I did this, its like I have many thoughts of the complete irrelevancy of the ‘whole thing’ the whole thing being the art thing. Well obviously, this entire world is irrelevant. The functionality of society and social participation is irrelevant. What we spend our time doing here on earth, our daily actions day in and day out are irrelevant, yet people just go along with it, attempting to find some satisfaction, some joy, attempting to make it “worth while” mostly just accepting that this is how it is completely and simply signing on the dotted line to make the “best of it” But I have realized that it never goes anywhere. The mathematics do not accumulate to that which is best for all, do not accumulate to that which will stand for eternity. This is a simple equation and I will share this, what I have found and seen for myself unconditionally, because within now what I have seen, I actually experience myself as having some purpose, some substance to myself and my experience, that “it isn’t all a waste” and so if anyone who is reading this line, who is not considering the point of equality, within the context of an equal money system, and considering “what is best for all” in every moment, I suggest doing so, as within this you will see, that everything you do and have ever done, was/is actually nothing. And that you have simply just been and are trapped in meaningless cycles over and over and over never adding up and accumulating to anything. You will see that your entire participation within this world in irrelevant. And that what you have been doing the whole time is figuring out ‘cute’ ways to explain, and ‘joke’ away the reality of your actual existence which is meaningless, abusive, and suppressive. We have created an entire, language, way of communicating, and interacting with each which only hide and vial the truth of what is actually going on. Our entire communication/language/interaction is just one elaborate justification and excuse to simply trap ourselves again and again, into abusive patterns and behaviour of alcohol, drugs, hatred, anger, sexual abuse, inequality – An Absolute FUCK-UP. This life is a Waste of Time. Though from a certain perspective I cannot blame anyone or expect anyone to “see the point” as from where I am standing the foundation perse, is built out of that which has been shown and communicated to me from the perspective of I did not initially see how I was existing until it was pointed out to me. So once again people – THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO LIVE, IT IS POSSIBLE, A COMPLETE NEW WAY OF LIVING AND EXISTING FOR ALL AND EVERYONE, WHERE THE STARTING POINT OF OUR ACTIONS AND WORDS AND EXPRESSION IS BASED WTIHIN THE CONSIDERATION OF DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL, Meaning we see and understand that we are inseparable from everything that is here, and that we take responsibility for ALL that is here equally, as each one take responsibility for themselves as one who take responsibility for ALL, thus ALL and Each Considering ALL and EACH in every way, this will end abuse, war, starvation, suffering, as we realize that those who stand before us is one and equal to ourselves and thus we ‘treat’ them as we ‘treat’ our self. Such a simple mathematical equation to End All Abuse. A world where we stand together, express together, walk together –Within A Common Principle, like a thread as an Understanding that extends through each and every point/being in existence, unifying ALL within this Principle, this Understanding of Who we are as Equals. This Thread, the foundation of Our New Way of Life. A Life that is Dignified, Where No one has to stand in Fear of Abuse, where we actually support each other in expression instead of judge each other. I can see nothing in this world that is worth keeping. I suggest Stand-Up for Equality, and a New Equal Money System, and World Equality System that is based in Equality thus ensure that all beings are respected equally, and that no one being is valued less or more than another, so that ALL can stand eye to eye as equals.

Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

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My experience. I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself.  So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end. Grade 6 - Problem Solving When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it. The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids. So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place. Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out. So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall. So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see. I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself. I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly. I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable. Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and hold myself back within muscle communication. So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected. And now I must make peace with this dejection. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.