Tag Archives: relax

Exposing Unnecessary Fears in my Day to Day Living.

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Tonight after work later in the evening I noticed a part of the text that my boss sent me earlier in the day before I had left from work that I did not give direction to. Fear immediately came up within me and my entire experience of myself shifted in that moment from being fine to suddenly being uncomfortable and possessed by the fear related to this point. There was a few different aspects to the fear. I forgot to properly cover up some bags of cement before rain had started to fall and to confirm that that was cool before I left for the day. The rain had already been falling for about 6.5 hours before I noticed that I missed this point so the damage could have already been done. A question that came up within me is, “Is it necessary to participate in this fear that I immediately went into / became possessed by” in that moment of realizing this missed point? The point that I see is no. There should never be any reason why one should accept and allow oneself to exist within fear. No matter what reason I looked at in terms of why I was actually going into fear; they simply were not valid for me to put myself through that experience instead of  letting the experience of fear go. The physical reality facts is still the way it is. It is more a matter of letting go of the fear attached to that scenario. This does not mean that I don't have to be practically responsible for my reality, it just mean that if I make a mistake I support myself to stop all self judgement related to the point and rather just focus on what is required to be directed practically. To fear about it does not fix it or actually make it worse or better. So then what is the purpose of the fear, and is it necessary? This event also showed me how simple it is for one to overlook or skip-over something that is required to be practically done and how that one tiny point could have quite a big consequence. Today’s point would have literally taken me 2 minutes to direct and in not doing this could have let allot of valuable resources and material get ruined. I did not ignore the point, I simply forgot. So this event showed me that I am able to be more specific and thorough within my moment to moment application. Also within this I see that even within the context of this event there is no valid justification for me to “go into fear” or Self Judgement, no matter what the stakes. Fear does not support me at all. The experience of existing in fear is not a cool experience at all and thus there is no reason why I should accept and allow myself to do this to myself. So yes, this event today brought up this point in relation to fear where I have been looking recently at my own experience of myself and that often my experience of me is not that pleasant and yet, it is me doing it to myself, and so investigating why I would accept and allow me to put myself through experiences within and as self that is really not cool, because that is backwards. Refusing to let go of an experience that is causing allot of discomfort. So I have been investigating this and working on actually letting go of these experiences of fear that is really not necessary to be in. So there is just a few aspects that came up today.

Dream Revealing Where I have Separated Myself.

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Ok so I was just writing about a point which came up in a dream last night. This point has to do with how I have abdicated myself from certain aspects of myself and projected them onto/into agreement, where now what comes up is an experience of desire for, and yearning and wanting for an agreement or relationship, though within investigating and opening this point up for myself I see that what I am yearning for here is that “experience” that came up in the dream last night, though have separated from me within believing that this experience can only be had within an agreement and that I must get or find an agreement to fulfil me within my specific yearnings instead of actually “giving these points to myself” There was a moment in the dream last night where I embraced, hugged another being. Within this, I totally let go, and really sunk into the experience of the embracing, hugging. I experienced the point from the perspective of as if I have/had been traveling, walking a great distance and finally got to that moment where i could just let go, and stop, and relax and breathe. Like I had arrived. Finally, and I can just for a moment let go. It was sooooo nice. One aspect that has come up as I have wrote about this point is the aspect of how I have defined the point of relationship and agreement and what I have accepted and allowed me to believe about this. One element here has to do with an agreement/relationship making everything easier. Like its easier to have another being around. And also from the perspective of money where with an agreement/relationship, even this point of money and survival become easier to deal with. So from a certain perspective, the experience I had in the dream last night while embracing and hugging the other being had to do with feeling safe, and protected. Like a kind of hiding where I could, can for a moment forget about all the worlds problems, and even in a way, dump all my problems (abdicate my self responsibility) onto this being, and that they will make me feel better and make me safe and protect me and all this stuff. Fuck, actually allot of separation here. I see that the point is to reclaim my power within these aspects that I have abdicated to the point of agreement/relationship, and realize that this experience I had within the dream last night is an experience so to speak, that I can provide for myself alone, and that I can stop projecting these aspects outside self, but rather start to investigate how I can transform my experience of me within the expression / application of self to include these points which I have separated from myself.

Breathe and Let it Go.

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I started my job today. I have been waiting for this day to come up as now there will likely be a transformation of sorts taking place in terms of my normal day to day. So should be cool actually. Simply breath through the transition. And not get caught up in any reactions/thoughts that come up inside of me. I have noticed this lately that if/when a thought, or an emotion, or feeling come up that it is like I have a bullseye on it immediately instead of rather just breathing and letting it go. So no need to give a thought, feeling, emotion, fear, worry, any more value or importance than needed. In fact the point is to not give it any attention/value but to simply just breathe, let it go and continue. Its like the point of “fearing your own fear” like fearing fear that has not even come up yet – lolol. Walking on egg shells. Like if for example one thought come up or a fear or something and thinking its the end of the world, or for that matter, if a bunch of thoughts come up or fears come up, rather than give value to this stuff, simply let it go. And direct. Its like we are addicted to giving our fears value, and are worries, that because this come up inside of us, that we must pay attention to it. So I will work on not doing this. But remaining cool...like even. And rather stick to breath, as in breath there are no thoughts, or worries or feelings and emotions. So stick to breath,simplicity and practical application, and stop trusting a fear comes up over trusting myself. Its like one tiny fear come up then I place it in a projector and project the thing massive like in the batman  movies when they project the batman symbol into the sky or onto a building. So rather than “stop the presses” when a thought comes up or an emotion or feeling,  Simply let it go, give no attention to and and let it whisp away  into nothingness. And continue to direct myself here within and as the physical and stop existing in the mind.

My Relaxed is NOT Relaxed- Realizing I have a Fear of People

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An interesting point came up today. My roommates left on Christmas holidays and so now I have the whole house to myself. Some people were supposed to come and stay here though, they are not here yet and I don’t know if they will show up. Anyways, after some hours of being here in the house alone, by myself, with no people, no roommates, and knowing that they will not be back here for at least a week, so just me with myself alone in the house, I noticed something interesting. I was calm, I was relaxed and I was actually enjoying myself. Was quite fascinating to see this, because what it revealed and showed to me was that in fact “I have a fear of/towards people” I definitely was not expecting this point, where all of the sudden I realized, “omg, I am actually relaxed” compared to ‘stressed’, ‘tense’, ‘irritated’, ‘anxious’ and simply not able to relax and be me. I noticed that when my roommates are around, I experience myself as stressed out, and its interesting because over the last few months, I could see this point of “being stressed” all the time, but I though it was because of money, I did not realize to the extent that my experience of “being stressed” over the last few months was actually “being caused/triggered” through having my roommates around, or simply people in general. I had actually completely accepted my experience from the perspective of when I would relax and watch movies here at home while my roommates were around, that I believed I was relaxing, and had accepted this experience of relaxation, not realizing until now, that in fact I was holding onto a point of anxiety/fear/stress, that I had become so accustomed to it that it became a part of my definition of relaxation. I also noticed today that I was actually enjoying myself, this due to the point that I could move freely in the house without fear that someone would suddenly show up, and then I would have to restrict my expression once again. And this is one of the points I am seeing within my experience at the moment, that I completely limit and restrict and suppress myself around others, even if they are upstairs doing there own thing, and I am down here in my room doing my own thing, I still “tense up” and am not comfortable, and relaxed. So was quite interesting to see this point, as I had not realized how fucking rigid and tense I was over the last few months, which is in relation to this point of “fear of people” So I will have to take this point on, as to remain within this point of suppression around people is essentially a point of killing myself literally, as me, as I simply suppress myself and exist within a very limited parameter so as to not offend or intrude or cause any friction from others. And so I spend all of my energy “being aware” of where others are in the house, and how they might react if I do this or if I do that. I see the point is to allow myself to be as relaxed and comfortable with others as I am with myself, as I see this point now which I have not in quite some time, of me actually “letting go” of the point of “holding myself” within a specific presentation, or attentiveness when other people are around. I also painted today with oil paints which I have not done since getting here to Calgary. I painted because “no one is here to be offended” if I “try this out” I can move where I want in the house, which is this little room that “the guy” who owns the house, built and put in a ventilation system, to make “silk screens” – its just down the hall from my bedroom and no one ever goes in there, though interesting connection that today was the first day I actually went in there and tested out painting. I painted a self portrait, and really enjoyed it. I was satisfied with the “technique” I used as I tried something a little different. Though the proportions of the face could have been more specific. All in all, it went pretty cool, I spent maybe around 2 and half to 3 hours painting it. I did the painting as a “preparation painting” for another piece I had in mind, though wanted to first “get warmed up” so painted a self portrait. I have also been busy creating some designs for a women for t-shirts. I have been using Adobe Illustrator and have quite enjoyed getting to know that program, so have had the opportunity recently to do some more art which has been cool. I don’t see art the same as I used to. And so am still busy “placing the point” meaning, it is a point that “Kind of just sits there” and I try to ignore it but at the back of my mind, I am always like “keeping the door open”...ahhh, thats it! I am “keeping the door open” on painting /art. Though there is a chance that “nothing will come of it” . When I left the farm 7 months ago, I was coming back to Canada to do art, though things changed as I “entered the system” so to speak. There was no point in “trying to do this point” meaning, trying, and actually making my life more difficult because of not “taking care of” the practical side of living in this world, like making money and making sure my rent, and food is sorted out first. In the past I would just ignore everything and painted in my studio, and this was not a good recipe for living in this world. I am enjoying now “trying other stuff” and doing different jobs that I would have “despised” doing before. Though I am looking at the point at the moment of “me actually holding myself back from doing art when I have the opportunity to” So am pushing myself to allow me to still do art in my life and is not something I have to completely cut out. Ideally I would like to “work it in” so I can actually “build on the point” and have it be supportive, both as a point of self discipline and specificity, and also as a point of self expression, though my priority is “the desteni process” which is actually simply a point of common sense of seeing that “this world requires some direction and some sorting out” and that it is each and everyone’s, thus, my own responsibility to do this, and so am busy with working on my application to that we take the most direct route to sorting out this world, which at the moment I see and understand to be establishing and Equal Money System – thus, this is my priority and focus. Art is a personal preference and I do not accept and allow myself to place me before all of humanity and all of existence, thus I stand firstly as What is Best for ALL, I Stand as the ALL and direct What is best for all, in my daily living application, not what is only best for me. So if I do art or not is irrelevant. I will continue with the point as the opportunity to do so is here, though if I require to let the point go, I will.