Tag Archives: relationship

Dream Revealing Where I have Separated Myself.

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Ok so I was just writing about a point which came up in a dream last night. This point has to do with how I have abdicated myself from certain aspects of myself and projected them onto/into agreement, where now what comes up is an experience of desire for, and yearning and wanting for an agreement or relationship, though within investigating and opening this point up for myself I see that what I am yearning for here is that “experience” that came up in the dream last night, though have separated from me within believing that this experience can only be had within an agreement and that I must get or find an agreement to fulfil me within my specific yearnings instead of actually “giving these points to myself” There was a moment in the dream last night where I embraced, hugged another being. Within this, I totally let go, and really sunk into the experience of the embracing, hugging. I experienced the point from the perspective of as if I have/had been traveling, walking a great distance and finally got to that moment where i could just let go, and stop, and relax and breathe. Like I had arrived. Finally, and I can just for a moment let go. It was sooooo nice. One aspect that has come up as I have wrote about this point is the aspect of how I have defined the point of relationship and agreement and what I have accepted and allowed me to believe about this. One element here has to do with an agreement/relationship making everything easier. Like its easier to have another being around. And also from the perspective of money where with an agreement/relationship, even this point of money and survival become easier to deal with. So from a certain perspective, the experience I had in the dream last night while embracing and hugging the other being had to do with feeling safe, and protected. Like a kind of hiding where I could, can for a moment forget about all the worlds problems, and even in a way, dump all my problems (abdicate my self responsibility) onto this being, and that they will make me feel better and make me safe and protect me and all this stuff. Fuck, actually allot of separation here. I see that the point is to reclaim my power within these aspects that I have abdicated to the point of agreement/relationship, and realize that this experience I had within the dream last night is an experience so to speak, that I can provide for myself alone, and that I can stop projecting these aspects outside self, but rather start to investigate how I can transform my experience of me within the expression / application of self to include these points which I have separated from myself.

Desire To Have a Pet

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Ok so this point came up a few days ago about getting a pet bird. I would say this emerged initially when seeing the videos of Gian with his bird on the farm and perceiving that they had a ‘Bond’. I thought that was so cool, and desired to have an experience like that with an animal, like a special intimate Bond. Then this also again came up when I watched Rozelle’s vlog with the Praying Mantis and was observing that there was actually quite a cool experience that emerged within the point of Rozelle and the Praying Mantis that she came across on the farm. And also from hearing stories on the desteni farm about all the animals there, and also each time I see someone from desteni post a photo or a picture of their new animal. Getting an animal has “in a way” been a point that I have had to deliberately “hold back” on. I use the phrase “in a way” because I don’t really have to hold back much as the actual practical considerations of getting an animal like say for instance a puppy are simply “too much” at the moment and it is a “no-brainer” So to speak. That it is not practical at the moment for me to get an animal, though have had urges and desires to have one. There is also the point of me holding off on getting an animal until I have a stable environment for the animal to express themselves and just be safe and stable and comfortable. I actually had placed this point quite far in the future, for instance getting a dog I do not see as something I would do until I lived out in the country. One interesting point though that came up within exploring this within myself of getting an animal, or when that might be, is the point of deciding not getting an animal because than I would have to commit to staying in Canada, and I can see that I have/had actually kept a space inside myself of the possibility of at some point in the future going back to visit the desteni farm, and if I were to get an animal that this would “seal my fate” so to speak, likely staying in Canada. And I mean to lay it out – I see that I actually have/had a desire inside myself to actually go and live on the desteni farm forever – lol – which is funny because I see that this consists of as only a dream as within this desire I am not actually really looking at the real truth of what is here but only looking at the imaginary aspects of my imagined self in the perfect conditions etc...Yet still “holding onto this desire” and allowing it to influence my life, and my day to day activities, in particular in this instance in “getting an animal” So from a certain perspective me not getting an animal or allowing myself to get an animal is in a way, me holding me back within my world and me not actually expressing myself within my world. Where I am actually deciding to ‘live’ in my world where I currently am, instead of holding back. Another reason why I have held off getting an animal as I wanted to make sure that I was stable and had some points in place in terms of where I was going to be in the future so to speak. And really up to now, this had not been really clear but more still just taking it one day at a time, and so saw it as unpractical to actually get an animal. I have never had an animal from the perspective of me being the one responsible for it. I had two lizards when I was young but have not been responsible for an animal since. We always had a family dog growing up and I have spent much time around animals. Oh we had a cat in this house as well when I moved in where I am now but the cat moved to a different house. So yes when I watched that video of Gian and the bird and also with talking to Leila about their birds and seeing all the videos and things posted, this urge was coming forward within me to get myself an animal. So “just as an Idea” which I really don’t think I will do is I started flirting with the idea of getting a bird. One of the main aspects of this that I am looking for, is companionship. And also the opportunity to from a relationship with an animal and have an animal around as a point of self exploration and expansion of self. I mean could be cool. So I wanted to write some about this point so as to just see what points come up. So as mentioned there is that point of companionship. Though I see that within this I am actually “wanting a specific thing” from the animal which is based in a feeling and a desire to have an experience that at the moment I am not having. I want a bird to sit on my shoulder and be my friend, and that I can just talk to and interact with and play with and just have around. I also see that then I would have to change the way I live and the way I keep my room and keep my physical space. So there is a resistance point here as well in terms of actually having to take care of the bird. And commit myself to walking this point. And so from a certain perspective “giving up my freedom”

Self Forgiveness – Stop Creating my Self, rather, be myself

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each day believe that I am not doing good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to ‘be more’ because I have not accepted myself as who I am, and simply express that. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting my time. I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am currently existing as, from the perspective of letting go of the desire to ‘be more’ or do something that is ‘more’ or ‘better’ than who I am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be dissatisfied with myself as who I am, and how I live my life. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel each day that I have not done enough, and within this struggle nearly every day of my life, to live in such a way that I get enough done in that day, and I discover points about myself in that day, so that I can be satisfied with myself and accept myself, instead of living in self acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what I do or do not do, or find out, or do not find out about myself, but simply accept myself in every moment. Why I am not satisfied with myself. Because I feel like I am not doing a service to humanity or existence from the perspective of supporting to the degree that I will be satisfied with. Because I do not understand existence, or rather, that I do not accept my level of understanding. This brings up and interesting point – that at times I find, I want more, I want to know more, I want to be more, I want to be capable of more, yet, I have not even become effective with what I do know, understand, and am capable of.  I have not become effective with who I currently am. So it’s a point of ‘forgetting’ simplicity. From the perspective of taking who you are, or who I am currently, and working with that, and not requiring to know more, or be more, in order to be effective, but first, get effective with who I am currently. So the point is, I do not have to become something I am not, I simply have to express me. Allow myself to express me as who I am and who I am naturally. Not trying to be better or more, but take who I currently am, and apply that, so to speak. And within this become effective with who I am. So it is not to look “out there” for that ability to “be who I desire to be” in so that I will be satisfied with how I live my life,  but to accept myself, and be myself, and express myself So what is self expression then! How I will be satisfied with my life, if I express myself in self honesty. Because I will be effective in supporting others, Then what I say is not a lie, if it is me expressing myself in self honesty. And I will be satisfied because I will then no longer be misunderstood, because what I express, and what I express is me in fact, which cannot be disputed. With being myself, I do not have to rush, to be somewhere else, or become something. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within writing, because I am attempting to move as fast as possible to build myself up as fast as possible, because I have not accepted myself. And within this not yet having accepted myself, I strive to create someone better, someone who is satisfied. And thus, within attempting to create this ‘someone’ I ‘rush’ through everything to hopefully, finally arrive a point where I am someone I want to be, and than within this can finally rest for a moment and be here. Instead of stopping, and accepting myself in this moment, and within this allow myself to be here in this moment. Here as in, not needing to create myself into something better, or more, not requiring to get everything done so I can be satisfied with myself. You cannot create yourself, you are yourself. So not matter what you do, you are not actually able to create yourself. Thus you do not change, ever, nothing ever changes, change is an illusion. I have always been who I am, and I always will be this.