Ordinariness in Living

Posted on October 16, 2009 by admin

Ordinary.

I have been looking at this point of ordinariness.

Where things are just ordinary, and they do not have to be otherwise.

They do not have to be special.

They simply are what they have always been.

I am finding within my experience at the moment it is as if the specialness, is being stripped away. Everything is being stripped away, and things are just ordinary.

Why do things have to be anything other than ordinary.

Who am I within the ordinariness of things

Where am I within the ordinariness of things

Life is ordinary

Existence is ordinary

Everything is ordinary

The birds are ordinary

I am ordinary

There is equality in ordinariness

I built a door today. Why does this day, this moment of building the door, have to be anything different than another day within the context of eternity. Cannot this day, of simply building the door stand equal to any other day within eternity, no matter what happens, no other day, no other event, is more or less important than another.

So why not become ordinary. And live in simplicity. And stop the search for meaning. Nothing has meaning, it does not have to, You do not have to give something meaning for you to enjoy yourself. Giving something “meaning” does not actually change anything, it simply drapes a blanket of ‘meaning’ over that which is actually here, which is equality, ordinariness. Each moment, the same as the next.

I mean, is not what is here “good enough”

How have we reached the point where we are not able to appreciate what is here as the simplicity of itself. What is here, without trying to add something to it to make it more, more interesting, more stimulating.

Within ordinariness nothing then is placed out of reach where in you define it in such a way that it is special, or ‘more than’ what is simply here as ordinary as all that is the moment. For instance, ‘God’, God is a meaning. God is a blanket we have placed over the ordinary to attempt to make it special, without actually ever even appreciating that initial point of simplicity as what is here. We have gone and pushed “god” over our existence in an attempt to make it special, to occupy ourselves, to stimulate us. Trying

to give ‘more meaning’ to than what is here in the moment as we live. And thus “god is out there” is separated, is created as something apparently ‘more’ than ordinary. And how does one expect to embrace something like “god” for instance, something so apparently all knowing, if one is not able to fist embrace the simplest point that is here. If one is not able to embrace life in it simplest form so to speak, how is it that we expect ourselves to be able to handle anything more than this – Thus I see for myself that I must begin with the simple, with the ordinary of existence in that which is already here as itself and nothing more than just itself as it is. And require nothing more than this.

In ordinariness, there is no god, because there is nothing that is not ordinary, thus, nothing is more than what is here in the moment, already. there is nothing to live ‘for’ as all things are already here in this moment, and will not change from the perspective that nothing will ever be more.

So for me it is a letting go of wanting things to be more, and attempting to make things be special, or trying to give things meanings, or importance. Rather it is to live within the ordinariness of things. Here, all things are equally special, Are equally important, are equally ordinary. The ordinariness of life is equality of life.

It is a simplification of myself, where I do not require some meaning or special thing to live, but am fulfilled, within the ordinariness of each moment. Living life in simplicity, and realizing that within the simplest form of myself I must be satisfied, I must love myself, absolutely, completely, within the’ smallest’ point, because it is me after all.

Morning or Mourning

Posted on October 12, 2009 by admin

Mourning = Waking up in the mourning within an experience of regret from the day before, for not having lived the day before. For giving up, the day before. Where there exist a regret towards yesterday, because “I didn’t do enough” because “ I wish I had done more”. This is what ‘Mourning’ is, wanting back the past, wanting to do it over, and instead of letting go of the past, you hold onto that wanting, and wishing you would have done it differently. Thus existing in ‘Mourning’

Morning = Starting new, starting over from the beginning. Giving yourself the opportunity to start over rather than walking within regret from the day before. You take care of today, because that is the only place you have any power. In today. Because today is here to be lived so that at the end, you do not regret your day. So ‘Morning’ is starting new and starting fresh. Not starting in debts from the day before. Morning is Forgiving yourself for yesterday, for what could have been, and letting go, and giving yourself the opportunity to walk the way you want to walk today, so that tonight you do not regret not living the way you wanted to. So when your awake, it is not ‘a-wake’

Self Forgiveness – Stop Creating my Self, rather, be myself

Posted on October 6, 2009 by admin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each day believe that I am not doing good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to ‘be more’ because I have not accepted myself as who I am, and simply express that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am currently existing as, from the perspective of letting go of the desire to ‘be more’ or do something that is ‘more’ or ‘better’ than who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be dissatisfied with myself as who I am, and how I live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel each day that I have not done enough, and within this struggle nearly every day of my life, to live in such a way that I get enough done in that day, and I discover points about myself in that day, so that I can be satisfied with myself and accept myself, instead of living in self acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what I do or do not do, or find out, or do not find out about myself, but simply accept myself in every moment.

Why I am not satisfied with myself.

Because I feel like I am not doing a service to humanity or existence from the perspective of supporting to the degree that I will be satisfied with. Because I do not understand existence, or rather, that I do not accept my level of understanding.

This brings up and interesting point – that at times I find, I want more, I want to know more, I want to be more, I want to be capable of more, yet, I have not even become effective with what I do know, understand, and am capable of. I have not become effective with who I currently am. So it’s a point of ‘forgetting’ simplicity. From the perspective of taking who you are, or who I am currently, and working with that, and not requiring to know more, or be more, in order to be effective, but first, get effective with who I am currently.

So the point is, I do not have to become something I am not, I simply have to express me. Allow myself to express me as who I am and who I am naturally. Not trying to be better or more, but take who I currently am, and apply that, so to speak. And within this become effective with who I am. So it is not to look “out there” for that ability to “be who I desire to be” in so that I will be satisfied with how I live my life, but to accept myself, and be myself, and express myself

So what is self expression then!

How I will be satisfied with my life, if I express myself in self honesty.

Because I will be effective in supporting others, Then what I say is not a lie, if it is me expressing myself in self honesty. And I will be satisfied because I will then no longer be misunderstood, because what I express, and what I express is me in fact, which cannot be disputed.

With being myself, I do not have to rush, to be somewhere else, or become something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within writing, because I am attempting to move as fast as possible to build myself up as fast as possible, because I have not accepted myself. And within this not yet having accepted myself, I strive to create someone better, someone who is satisfied. And thus, within attempting to create this ‘someone’ I ‘rush’ through everything to hopefully, finally arrive a point where I am someone I want to be, and than within this can finally rest for a moment and be here. Instead of stopping, and accepting myself in this moment, and within this allow myself to be here in this moment.

Here as in, not needing to create myself into something better, or more, not requiring to get everything done so I can be satisfied with myself.

You cannot create yourself, you are yourself. So not matter what you do, you are not actually able to create yourself. Thus you do not change, ever, nothing ever changes, change is an illusion. I have always been who I am, and I always will be this.

Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

Posted on September 26, 2009 by admin

My experience.

I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself. So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end.

Grade 6 – Problem Solving

When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it.

The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids.

So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place.

Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out.

So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall.

So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see.

I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself.

I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly.

I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable.

Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and

hold myself back within muscle communication.

So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected.

And now I must make peace with this dejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.

Self forgiveness – Distance/DIE – STANCE – Sept 24/09

Posted on September 24, 2009 by admin

Distance – Die Stance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because at the moment I much more prefer to keep a distance from others in support, meaning, that I feel more comfortable assisting and supporting others through means such as writing and art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and be somebody I am not, because I have not accepted the fact that I prefer to support from a distance.

I forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I, at the moment, feel much more comfortable and at home when I assist and support from a distance, within such tasks as drawing and writing, for instance, than I do when working up close and personal with another, where I am actually speaking with them and working with their body.

The point I see is that ‘information’ intimidates me so to speak. Where I have found within my life that I have always tended to avoid the use of information, which now has ended up as me being distant from others in that I do not want to use information or specific words to assist and support them, because I have not learned how to effectively use information to assist and support a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to another one on one, within a scenario where I am actually assisting and supporting them, because I feel I am not specific enough to support them using words/information, thus I fear being embarrassed when the person realize that I am not effective using information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a distance from others, within assisting and supporting them, because I see myself as not yet capable of effectively supporting another within using information words, thus allowing my experience of muscle communication to be one of fear and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within frustration in and around the process of muscle communication.

I forgive myself that, from the beginning, I saw myself as less capable than other within muscle communication, in that it does not come naturally to me, as in I was not/am not programmed to work with information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big a thing out of muscle communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have not been effective within muscle communication.

I used Muscle communication to test out the thought pattern of – “I am not strong enough”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I tested the right point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the point that I tested out because I experienced doubt and uncertainty within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when the experience of uncertainty comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am, specifically when working on projects for example, when I was in school I was never considered smart or intelligent, which I wanted to be. I found projects and working with information, such as sorting it, organizing it, gathering it, never came easy to me, and within this I judged myself. This type of work was not a natural expression for me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see when things do not work for me, because I just do not want to accept that I am unable to do something effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit to myself when something does not work.

Self Forgiveness – Self Acceptance – sept 23/09

Posted on September 23, 2009 by admin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I am not getting process” and everyone else is because I am not getting muscle communication, and because of this, that I will leave the farm and get separated from desteni, the farm, and everything here as support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being abandoned by desteni

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself leaving the farm in sadness, regret, fear, and unworthiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have these points within me that I am more messed up than others here, meaning, that the farm is not for me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to give up the point of “having to leave the farm”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within me the thought/fear of “having to leave the farm”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as out of place here, because I am unable to support the way others are, and because of this, believe that I now must leave the farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inside of me the fear of having to leave the farm

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop all thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences related to “having to leave the farm”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the idea that I might enjoy life outside of the farm, because than that means that I must go away from the farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my reality is designed in such a way that I will never make it this life, that it is impossible, and that I must submit to this idea of not being able to make it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get muscle communication , because I have attached “getting/being able to do muscle communication” to staying on the farm and doing process here on the farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to to be able to enjoy myself here on the farm from the perspective that I do not want to fear my desire to be here on the farm and do process here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the desire I have to stay on the farm, and do process here, and within this fear, suppressed this desire within me out of fear that it may not turn out this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to do muscle communication, because now I believe that I am full of systems and constructs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I am full of systems and constructs because in by denying it, I believe that I am stopping myself as systems and constructs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being uncertain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself because “what do I really know” if at the end of the day, I can probably find a point within any decision I make that is dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad, at the realization that I am not effective at assisting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must be able to assist others, the way other people do because, that is the ‘real’ way to assist others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only real assistance and support happens within muscle communication, and not within art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything to work for me now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my process to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will always be uncomfortable around other beings, from the perspective of not being stable within myself around them in every moment no matter what. And within this experience anger within me because this has been a point that I want to transcend. So that I can stand one and equal with all beings that exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself, where in I deny the truth of myself, and attempt to force myself to do that which I think I should do, instead of standing here in self honesty from the perspective of actually “listening” to what I as substance is communicating to me, through me, and stop denying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself, as that which I as substance is communicating to me through me as me, as my body, as ‘muscle communication’ because I fear what may come of it.

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to embrace myself within this process, and go with the flow, from the perspective of no more accepting and allowing myself to fear my process, from the perspective of it taking me somewhere that I don’t want to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my process, and resist, and deny myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself, because I fear that it will take me away from the farm.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to unconditionally let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the tarot cards are being taken away from me because I did something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that now the tarot cards are being handed off to someone who is more capable to do them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that the tarot cards did not work out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cuse my natural expression, because it is because of my natural expression that I was unable to get effective with the tarot cards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within regret, because I believe I missed my opportunity to make the tarot cards, which was a project that I actually really wanted to do, and now must watch as someone else does the tarot cards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in sadness over the tarot cards from the perspective of I see it as an opportunity lost or missed that I would have enjoyed doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within sadness because I actually thought it would be cool to do the tarot cards, because they are so diverse, and that this was taken from me, because I was not up to the challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cuse my ‘natural expression’ from the perspective that, I did not contain enough insight, and common sense to take on the tarot card project and so thus it was handed on to someone else. And from this perspective I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself, because I was not able to do the cards

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me and embrace me as who I am in this very moment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that, just because I am unable to do something effectively doesn’t mean I am less than another, or that if I am able to do something, that this doesn’t mean I am more than another, but I am me, and that’s it, no definition required.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject myself from the perspective that, I am unwilling to live this way for the rest of my life. Because I would not accept me as who I am currently existing as.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself f to love me as who I am currently existing as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me because I have flaws

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to embrace myself and accept myself fully with the flaws that I have, and within this statement, I am saying that I will not accept myself in this moment. Saying, I do not accept me.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to accept me no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change myself before anyone finds out, or that it reveals who I really am inside me, and within this wanting to change myself before anyone finds out, I am making the statement that I am not unconditionally standing here as me, as complete self acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must reach a certain state, or a point that I see as “worthy” or “good” before I accept myself, instead of just accepting myself now.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the stupidity in believing that I must reach a certain point before ‘I’ can accept myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to decide now to accept me now, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to stand open, vulnerable, to all, from the perspective that I no longer fear myself, as fearing that which is inside me, thus am able to stand as me as who I currently exist as without fear, because I am not afraid of people seeing what is inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing what is inside of me, because I judge myself for the stuff that goes on inside me and believe there is no way I can let people see this stuff, because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for points existing inside of me that are sexual in nature, from the perspective of seeing that which exist inside of me that is sexual in nature as something to hide from, as something that is bad or wrong, where, I will not stand open unconditionally within these point of that which is sexual in nature within me, towards another, but rather conceal and keep these points hidden to others, which indicates that I am judging myself as that which I am currently, instead of unconditionally accepting myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking some people in the eye because of what I have done in my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to define myself according to what I did in my past, meaning, where I am not allowing myself to forgive myself for what I have done in my past and release me from my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I release myself from what I did in the past, as actions, that I am not taking responsibility for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of that who I am as my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must change before I can accept myself, instead of accepting myself now, not matter what, no matter who I am. And within this self acceptance, change myself within and as the starting point of self acceptance and self love, rather than the starting point of self rejection.

I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see that if I do not accept myself, than everything I create as myself will than be based on that starting point of not accepting myself, and actually will never ‘improve’ so to speak, because in fact, how could I ‘improve’ or rather, bring myself to a point of self acceptance, if I do not unconditionally accept myself, but rather attempt to bring myself to that point where I will accept me, all the while fueling and motivating myself towards this point of self acceptance within and as the essence of self rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself walk in self rejection hoping one day, that if I walk long enough that I will finally accept myself.

Self Forgiveness – on ‘staying on the farm’ – sept 23/09