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Finding A Job in this World – Horses or Hammers? 2010/10/12

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It has been in ‘interesting’ last week. What do I mean by ‘interesting’ ? I faced/am facing myself within the point of “finding a job”. So for the last week have been busy each day scouring the internet for jobs, though having realizing through this process what exactly ‘goes into’ ‘scouring’ Within ‘scouring’ I noticed that I will go through all the adds in like a mad a search to find a job, and just sift through hundreds of adds, looking for jobs that I could/can apply to, at times not actually going about this in the most practical way but seeing that I was moving and directing myself with a point of fear and frenzy much of the time. It was like the point “kicked-in” and I was like “fuck-I gotta get a job” I knew this point was inevitable but just exactly how it was going to unfold I did not know. So, the point is Here now and I am facing myself within this. I have found my application to change over the last week within facing this point, I noticed myself less directive within my days, and actually experiencing tiredness now during the days. A point that was not coming up previously. I see/perceive this point as being ‘big’ which is an indicator towards how I have designed the entire experience of myself around it. I have never been in this position before, where here I am “in my life” and I am required to make a decision now based on the foundation of myself as the principle of what is best for all. Or rather based on the understanding of this becoming my foundation through a process of self realization so to speak. And in a way within looking for a Job and considering this point, I have come to realize different aspects of what it means stand in “what is best for all” As I browsed through the adds, it was like I would place myself in the context of what the add describes, where I would see myself doing the job, performing the task, working with the people, basically for each add I would actually place myself in the experience of myself working in that particular job. Some jobs I experienced resistance, others I experienced myself as “fitting nicely” others I would experience a kind of “hope or warmth about the job” so within doing this looking at and considering “what is best for all” Initially I only thought that I would just be looking for something part time, where I could still work at home with desteni stuff, and not necessarily go “full-out” so to speak into a job. But as I went through the adds I began to ask myself questions like, “why not get a full-time job” “what’s holding you back” As I went through the adds  and I considered each add by placing myself within that point and seeing the outflows of placing myself in such a point, I began to notice and see how certain specific jobs would be more beneficial to “what is best for all” within where I would actually be placing myself in a point where in I could/can develop certain skills, or generate a specific amount of money etc...where all of this has a ‘consequence’ a physical out-flow of events which will accumulate to a specific point. And the consideration/question Here within these options was/is What is Best for ALL. Why is this point ‘Big’ – As this point opened up more, I realized that this decision that I could/can potentially make here will play a specific role in the development of myself and where I will stand and place myself in the future as a point which support What is Best For All and the Emergence of a World Equality System. So in this I began to experience anxiety from the perspective of now seeing that this decision will actually play “quite a role in my life” and I did not want to “make  a mistake” or base this decision in Self Dishonesty where I “lock myself into” so to speak, I time loop because I “went for self interest” instead of what is practically best for all. Within now facing myself here in making a decision in this point which has/had opened up where in now I am looking at options which could last a year long for example or that now have consequence stretching years into my life and even points that I see will remain with me for eternity so to speak, but to keep in perspective the practicality of what is here to be done within this Life Time in Establishing an Equal Money System, this decision that was now before me is/will play a definitive role so to speak, in where I will eventually “end-up/place myself” This point in a way “rocked my world” I mean, what am I willing to do. Am I really willing to take action in what is best for all. These points were now coming up in my world in seeing now that I will be getting a job, and seeing now that I will now be getting a job to earn money to pay off my loans and eventually prepare myself for education which is a point I am considering Here in the future. I mean now Here the “Art” point comes into play as well, where this point in itself has become very quickly invalid in the way that I was considering it before.  Where now I see “Art” as a point which I will do once the basics are taken care of. So this in a way is a shift/transformation in the way I have prioritized myself simply in seeing the common sense of “taking care of the basics” before the Luxuries. I mean the art point has not been stable at all, particularly since coming back to the city here in Calgary. I have done almost no drawing or art at all, and simply experience a point of restless anxiety with regards to how I have been going about the Art thus far since coming back to Canada and now being here in Canada. At the moment I am looking now, how to re-establish this point for myself so that it support equality, so that I can actually slow down within this, and place the point within specificity and stability. Because at the moment, there is a point of restlessness that simply is not ‘creating’ a platform which support art at all. So I have been looking at this point and looking at how to go about actually establishing the whole are point in my world. What role can it play, where can it be most effective, so I will speak a little more on this in a moment. For now I will say the platform within which I was creating my art upon initially has in a way disintegrated and collapsed. The Two Primary Jobs that seemed most Valid, and that seemed to fit a point that I felt would work and support myself within this process in what is best for all are related to either “Animal Care” or “Practical Labour, building, painting, construction and so on. These two points are the ones that have emerged as a more “longer term solution so to speak” Interestingly enough, I was not actually at all considering the point of working with animals until I came across three adds which “fit my profile” and qualifications. The First one was a “Dog Walker” – that seemed pretty cool and point that came up here was responsibility as I have realized that to support an animal consistently develop a certain point of responsibility within a being, so within considering this point, this experience and skill in working and caring for an animal is one that I see as something that I would like to develop in myself or that would actually be a supportive point for myself in developing the point of actually “caring for / supporting another being” So here with the “dog walker” job this was the moment when “working with animals” was actually a point to consider within looking for work as I had actually developed some pretty cool experience with this while on the desteni farm. So as I looked through more adds over the last few days I was coming across many practical labour jobs which I noticed on most of them required specific qualifications as a ‘certificate’ or ‘training’ that was recognized by the system, so this automatically, “counted me out”  or at least placed me below the ‘preferred’ applicant for many and most of the practical labour jobs advertised.  As I went through the listings I realized that doing practical labour and or working with my hands would actually be a point that would support me within this process, so more and more geared myself towards finding something where in I could/can develop these skills to a sufficient level. At the moment though I am not in a position to enter education within one of these fields so would actually have to find work which would take someone on with “no formal training” Here to I began to consider the point the point of actually working “full-time” within this field, and that within considering this point,  seeing “oh fuck” this would “change everything” meaning changing my accepted and allowed world. Another interesting point here also which ‘dawned’ on me was/is that I have never actually had a Full-Time job within this world. LOL, I have to laugh because all these years that I have worked here I have ‘avoided’ or somehow managed to “get-by” without having to ‘Commit’ to a full time job. I Resisted this immensely, so it is quite interesting here to actually now for the first time, actually be ‘willingly’ consider a full time job. So in this actually this is a point that I have never taken-on before in my life, So from this perspective it is a change in who I have always lived as and been. Another Interesting Add which came up was “Zoo Labourer” this is a full-time position which I applied for where I would work in a zoo as doing practical maintenance around the zoo as well as working on a basic level with the animals. I mean from a certain perspective I see this as pretty cool. As now this is combining these two practical points of Animal Care as Well as Practical Maintenance. It was when I came across this job that I really began to see the point of “doing what is best for all” Firstly I noticed inside myself like an ‘excitement’ or even a ‘hope’ you could say came up where in I felt that this job would be something “I like” and in seeing this point of this job being something “I would like” I saw that from the perspective of “doing what is best for all” to make or base a decision on “because you like something” as the starting point is self interest, so I was looking closely at this point and seeing if this decision for applying for this job was based on this starting point of self interest or if it is based on a clear assessment of how this point will accumulate within the equality equation in that which is best for all. Here also the point of “doing what is best for all”  opened up where in I could see that to take on a role of this nature, would actually require a ‘commitment’ of self. To actually stand at this point for a specific period of time. So here the point of ‘commitment’ opened up where I could then see the question(s) of How I was actually considering this point of commitment or even if I was at all. I mean the zoo point also opened up future prospects of “working with animals” in the future, and now to look at “what role animals will play in my life within this process, and is this a practical support point for process, and stuff like this now coming up. So today as I continued to search for jobs I came across an add for a Horse Ranch Assistant. I applied to this add and now will be having an interview this week. This one I feel a bit “off” with still though. It just ‘doesn’t’ feel right, so will be interesting to see what this experience is all about. I noticed that I have this idea and perception within me that these people will be Christian’s or really into God or something, this is a connection I have made with regards to “horse people” being ‘into’ God so to speak, so this is one of the points why I experience this ‘offness’ towards the thing. I also notice this point coming up of “Im not supposed to do that” like this idea I have formed of how I was supposed to come back and live in this city. I also see within this how I actually had formed quite a solid perception of myself of “having to live in this city” seeing as how this is where I currently am, and in a way because this was where I was before. I am remembering now actually which I had forgot about how in returning to the city that I immediately was looking for places to live that were not in the city as I saw the city as a place where I do not necessarily want to live. And that “what is the actual use of me being there” So in fact I had been considering the point of “not living in the city” which I had forget about, and had in a way accepted life as this where I was living in the city. I Also have developed this idea/perception that these people on the ranch will be “all into family” meaning quite tied into this construct which will cause friction. Basically this is a 200 acre Ranch with 29 stables where they breed show horses and jump horses. So in this job I would actually move out and live right on the ranch and would be working with horses taking on a similar role in which i did on the desteni Farm. Because I would also be responsible for making sure all the practical points like farm maintenance and directing student workers and such were all running smoothly. So quite interesting really. Will see what unfolds. I emailed them tonight and got a reply for an interview this week sometime. I will keep you posted. I also have a meeting with someone tomorrow who wants to discuss my “art practice” she is working for a magazine and is interviewing some artist that have been a part of the “market collective” that I am participating in which is a fair type thing where I sell my work. So this should be interesting to see what unfolds here also. Ok so that’s all the points for now.

Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

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October 5th Writing Out My Day. First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  - I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak. I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me. I allow myself to let go of desteni. I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me. I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all. In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened, I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point. So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there. Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God...lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all. I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak. So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me. In terms of education -  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points. Goodnight.

Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 27th 2010

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I woke up at 9am, one hour more than I wanted to sleep, but then got up and began my day. First with coffee as usual.  I was ready to take on the day and was not expecting anything different than usual. In fact there was a bit of ‘dread’ like the beginning stages, yet, I see the point of this ‘dread’ being there only because I have an expectation of what I am doing as being ‘repetitive’ or ‘monotonous’ as seen through the eyes of others. So I find actually that this point exist as a question, like “do I really find this monotonous” or “am I just fucking with myself” for the most part I have enjoyed this time to just write and work on process stuff and computer work. After all, I did spend the initial 3 months when I first arrived busy with Labour work. So this last 15 days has really been my first phase of process work. Though I am experiencing the point of ‘aloneness’ or ‘loneliness’ where in I am both stable, and then other times, wondering or questioning if I “should be getting out more” I have been basically focussing on process and simply how the situation has unfolded I really don’t have any friends around to really “hang out” with so to speak, and at the same time, I really see not point in “Hanging Out” I find I am very busy all day long and must push through resistance to applying myself in the “simple” things and to remain here within that and not going into ‘feeling’ like I am wasting my time or something like that. So I did the basics today, the regular stuff. I continued working with the Etsy Site, I simply place the work for sale there daily and engage their system, so to speak, to see if I can make some sales. I experienced some resistance to doing this today. There was a moment where I had taken an intermission from working and this point came up where I really felt like “I don’t want to do the ‘Etsy’ thing anymore, like a lost of interest. But I simply see this as energy, and I also saw the point of “giving up” where I noticed that this is definitely a point where I would have wanted to give up before, and that I would have inevitably given into and gave up because of the ‘feeling experience’ I had towards it, and also the ‘mind points’ where the mind come up with some really good justifications why I should stop and not do it any more. But as mentioned I simply saw this a point of resistance which I simply do not participate with and simply continue placing the daily listings. I Experienced myself as being “kinda flustered” today, and have had this point come up a few times since being here in Calgary. The point where I just can’t seem to get everything done in a day that I would like, in a way that I would like. I have begun to utilise a ‘whiteboard’ for writing my daily schedule on as well as other points of not. I have never actually used a white board before in this way so am enjoying laying it out and assisting me to organise myself and my day so that I can get effective in multitasking and becoming more directive in that which I am doing. By placing all the points on the white board, I can no longer use excuses that “I have nothing to do” as it is ALL there on the whiteboard, where there is more than one can do in a single day. Also I placed a personal calendar for myself in my notebook which goes up to 6 months, this way I can place points accordingly as they come up. I have also taken on the point of recording all the money I spend weekly so that I can actually see where my money is going, how I spend it, and on what I spend it on, so that I can support myself to get effective and specific with money and make myself a proper budget as well as just simply placing for myself to see. Essentially I am placing as much as possible in writing to “see how I move”. I made a Vlog last night and made it into a video today, I also read some stuff on the political forums and this further opened the point of myself in relation to politics and how I do not/did not see myself within this point.  So today in reading more posts and watching videos related to this I noticed the point within myself of where I still see/experience the point of politics as being out there. Particularly because at the moment I am not in education, so the point of deciding to go into politics from this perspective is not here. Although it is here from the perspective me simply seeing that the point is not here with me as It seems like it is with others. So within this I find I am still busy with looking at and seeing where and how to place myself within it all, as in it is not yet clear what I will be doing, how I will be directing myself within this process and the emergence of an equal money system. Like from  a certain perspective I experience myself in a kind of waiting – Not that there is “nothing to do” because there is lots to do. Its simply a matter of not yet seeing the point clearly in terms of what I must do. Although the basics are here in terms of “my standing” Geez, I have experienced myself quite rushed today. Even with this post I feel so rushed to try and get it done, and I don’t seem to be getting any points out. Ok let me correct the point here and slow myself down. Still Holding onto the point of wanting to relax at the end of the night. Last night it was too late to relax and watch a movie so thought tonight I could do this, but again here its now 1am, and just getting to writing out my day.  I went to the grocery store today and bought myself some basics, I actually paid a few bills today. I notice that I still “hold off” on spending money, as if, I can just not spend money somehow, so I avoid paying bills or buying food even though it is inevitable that I must do this. Its like I have a little money saved so I want to hold onto it, like the miser, I do not want to spend it, but its a double edged sword because money is useless if one is not spending it to purchase things. It simply does not good just sitting there in your bank account. So interesting its like I still try and hang onto money, like a fear of letting it go. Anyways I bought some orange juice today, I have been holding off on buying it now since I have been here, because there is this one guy who drinks so much orange juice that he buys the frozen juice and is always making it and talking about how cheap it is. So I did not want to buy some juice out of fear of what this guy might think if I buy orange juice that is “normal” like comes in a jug, and I pay a little more money for it – because my perception of the whole thing is that I will be seen as “not practical” so have been avoiding buying the juice. Interesting – I didn’t see the point of “practical” before. I remember now I dealt with this point allot with a mind construct I was working on about art, where in I judged myself for not being practical, or as being seen as a practical person in this reality. So interesting to see this point here with the juice. Not to many people home today, mostly quiet, which I have been enjoying, although its nice to visit with the people when they are here also. I watched Katies Video about living in a destonian community and that this is something that I definitely would like to do. I saw some pictures of the farm today, and experienced a point of “missing the farm” and also a kind of “desire” to go back there and see everyone again. I must laugh though because as I look at this point now I see that I have defined/placed the farm as a “saviour” point, where  I can go and be saved and simply just live out the rest of my life comfortably. So there is nothing that is going to save me except me. And to want to be saved is wanting someone else to do the work for me. I perceive the farm as safe from a certain perspective meaning, safe where in I will “make process” and become effective at seeing points, rather than actually taking this point on for myself. So that point is clear. The farm was/is representing/showing me a point within myself which I haven’t allowed myself to fully embrace and trust where in I trust that I can actually apply myself and develop myself effectively and that to believe I require to be on the farm to do this “in a specific way” is actually allowing self limitation. I mean with the people to on the farm, where the environment is about process – thats fucking cool – so to live with destonian group would be cool to “all work together” I mean here, everyone in the house seems to be just doing there own thing. And occasionally someone will make a meal and share it/offer it others, but in terms of standing equally as a group, the point is simply not here, so I just do my own thing as well, as I can’t make people change. Will see how things unfold. One of my roommates girlfriend of 2 years is moving in. This roommate is the owner of the house, so there is allot of changes taking place at the moment. I noticed coming up within me today, A fear of getting kicked out of this place for being seen as being weird. Its like I saw myself making everyone uncomfortable, because I am the weird cult guy and I saw the point of them not wanting to actually live with me. I see this though as a complete projection and not really valid although I see that within being abandoned, I do not mind. I mean the experience I had with that one friend of mine last week was interesting, I realized that I simply was over and done with that point, that I let the point go, and that the point was in a way to let the point go inside me, where I simply stop hanging onto old aspects of my life, in so that I can actually bring forth a new world and environment which support me as I walk this process of equalization of all into a point which is best for all as an honourable existence. So I am testing this “letting go” point as well with my other friend John, because we still get along quite well and can have some nice chats, so I am now simply looking at the points where I desire his friendship, and then simply letting go, and disengaging with the energetic points of connection to see what will happen. Obviously my interaction will change because I no longer need anything from him. So will see how this application of “letting go of the past goes” Its like “letting the past fall away” Wow this these last few points really flowed. That’s quite fascinating because the beginning stuff at the top of the post was excruciating to write, it was like all resistance, and I almost stopped...I was so close to stopping but remembered that point where Bernard said that it is in those moments where you really want you give-up is where you actually push through. And thats what I did, I don’t think I am even going to post the top stuff, its like mumbo jumbo stuff. Cool though this bottom stuff actually opened me up more and I am experiencing myself more at ease with me. – Very Cool. Writing Self to Freedom.

Writing Out my Day – Sept 24th 2010 – Writing Self to Freedom

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Writing out my day. Well, my shoulders and back are sore at the moment, because I have been sitting allot and I don’t have a desk  so sit in various spots, like on my bed, or on the couch and now my back is just sore from this not having a stable back rest. Although I have been also focused allot on the point of foundation, where I got away from a bit today from a certain perspective, so that its interesting that my back is now sore, which is a primary support structure of self. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, and proceeded to make myself a coffee and some breakfast. I was supposed to help my friend out today which I was preparing for this morning. I did not know when exactly I was going to help him, but I was embracing the point because it was some physical work, and would have been a nice break from computer stuff, although enjoying the computer stuff too. Also because of the point of money. When looking at the foundation of myself, I find still that “money moves me” I have this pattern come up daily which Identify with ‘survival’ and money specifically where at around noon, I start getting ‘antsy’ Today was no exception, this antsyness came up again around noon.  The point I have identified is as mentioned money, and survival where the essence of this energetic experience is one of needing to “do something” so that I can survive in this system from the perspective of making sure that I have money. And that if “I am not doing something” that I am in a way moving closer to death, closer to running out of money, so within this  a kind of panic comes over me and cause me to “miss details” to “rush” and “scan” over things. This is essentially why I have been looking at and working on the point of foundation. So that I can stabilize myself Here and that whenever this point comes up, I simply stand here as myself and do not accept and allowing myself to become possessed by this point.  It would be good to take this point apart as this is one of the primary points I have been experiencing within my world. So in the morning I watched desteni stuff and checked out my etsy site which has been an interesting process so far. I started posting listings a few days back and find as I move and post more listings that the ‘content’ I place and the context I give it is moving closer and closer to who I am within my stand in the desteni process which is pretty cool, Initially I did not know how to go about placing the work and from what perspective but this point is coming together as I place. I had a cool conversation today with a friend of mine. She is doing a course called “3 in one concepts” where there is some congruencies with the SRA material so I have been able to actually speak in detail to here about specific points regarding SRA which is quite cool. This has been cool particularly because I have been spending quite a bit of time with myself alone doing computer work, although I am living now with 5 roomates which I have enjoyed also. Its nice to have ‘random’ encounters and just chat and things like that. I am quite tired at the moment, and struggling a bit with ensuring each word is in place so hopfully  I can get this writing clear. Ok, moving on. After the conversation, I was back on the computer. My Friend told me that work had been postponed so it was the normal routine, as usual so to speak. I reacted a little bit, because that meant no money, and thus far I have not real leads for jobs, except for this etsy point which I have been pushing since I found it 5 days ago to see if I can get some sales moving. Also I signed up for another “Market Collective” which is a craft fair here in Calgary. I was postponing registering out of fear of not having enough money. But I pushed through the resistance and got myself a table. I looked at it from the perspective of “making myself visible” with my art, and although in the last fair I never made any sales, I should not “project” that experience onto this one, so am going forward with having a booth at this next one.  It was quite an interesting day today. I have been with myself allot today. And this has been cool. I have been pushing myself within my application to be more specific with myself. Basically I realized that I have to Start Over, and really get my application established and directed within such a way that actually support me, because I was not really supporting me before, It was more like a hanging on, and a stagnant. Not falling behind, and not moving ahead, I was simply just stuck, and had arranged my self application so that I would just kind of remain in limbo, and thats exactly what I was doing. So I spent today re-establishing my application, and my starting point of that application to one where instead o applying myself to just break even, like doing the minimum, I will apply myself from the starting point of actually supporting me and transforming me. A more active approach, a more directive approach, instead of reactive. Ok I am going to place this post as is – no editing tonight – night all.

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shaving hair at faceworld [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLI14B0KOQg]
Hair Today Gone Tomorrow for lots of hair shaving photos visit

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Comical Sense Common Sense [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKlX4kGP-E8]
Art is a tool I use to explore this world and this reality. It is a point where I am able to express myself in specific ways as a point of reflection where the work of art becomes a reflection of myself and within this I am able to see myself. So it is a process of revalation, where I reveal myself to me, and within this develop insight and common sense within this world.

Sketchbook Stories – April 7

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Sketchbook Stories - April 07 I left the house at around 9:30am this morning. It was a little chilly and I went to get a coffee. I also applied for a job while in the coffee shop, so waited around to have a brief meeting with the manger - I found I had all the answers to her questions only after I left the shop. My first drawing only lasted about 5 minutes before the bus showed up...I then continued working on the drawing as i sat on the bus - exploring the use of pencil crayons on the washed paper - I knew that I wanted to keep it as observational as possible but I found just playing around on the paper attempting to finish off some areas on my first drawing while the actual subject was long gone behind me which I left when i got on the bus red-bus-drawings I then moved right from this drawing - seeing as how I had all my materials out and I was busy drawing anyway into drawing I few heads on the bus - again exploring how the pencil crayon works on the prepared paper surfaces. I thought getting effective with drawing was much like fishing - Those who catch the most fish, I bet, have their hook in the water the most - thus, I am working on getting my pencil on the paper as much as possible. involved in the actual process of drawing - this I find is really the only way - the bottom line when it comes to wanting to build up drawings skills - or catch fish..... Off the bus I headed into the heart of the city - it was cold because the tall buildings were blocking any sun from getting in.  So I sought out a sunny spot and began drawing the passers bye - I found there was too much movement for me at that stage. I still was/am in the process of seeing how my pencil crayons work so in a way drawing people walking around wasn't really suiting what I was wanting to do - which is become effective in my color work with my pencil crayons on the colored paper andrews-calgary-drawings-004 I found with drawing the people simple line drawings seemed more appropriate and I was looking more at developing a painterly technique which is applying blocks of color and establishing/building a drawing that way - I then went for lunch - I said "medium" spicy, but next time I will get mild! - After lunch I decided that I would head toward a park area where there is less activity and movement - or rather where the movement is slower. This way I can take my time with my drawings. The first drawing I made was of some trees with the buildings in the background - what drew me to the scene was the blue of the buildings which set a background for the entire setting - I had pencil crayons falling all over the place by the time I finished the drawing. andrews-calgary-drawings-0032 I find that I usually figure out what I am doing as I go along - And much of the time if not all, I find i establish how I am going to layout the drawing only after Ive started - so for me, when im unsure, I just keep it simple and START. So as mentioned I had way to many pencil crayons going with this drawing - but in a way this drawing was preparing me for the next one, which is usually how it goes. I then gathered my stuff, and stood up to leave looking for another spot to draw. I took about 5 steps and noticed that the table I had been sitting at made a nice subject - so I litterally found my next subject.....or let me rephrase - I was sitting at my next subject already - I just had to take a few steps away from it to realize I then set out to draw the green table I was sitting at - "SIMPLIFY" green-table I then walked down to the river and set up to draw the river winding into the distance - The subject stuck out because if its utter simplicity - I have found the simpler I work the more effective the drawing - So the subject also suited the simplicity I was already working at achieving.  In this drawing I only used a few select colors keeping the other pencils in the bag - and choosing to keep the drawing small to further simplify things - overall I was satisfyed with how this one turned out - Just as i finished two Canada Geese flow in to give me a walk bye - they were moving slow enough for me to make a few drawings - I had not time to sort out composition or anything like that - I just drew the geese right there on the page. uncropped-river-with-geese The I caught the bus home. The end. canada-geese-23 canada-goose-12 frozen-river-with-orange-trees

Self Forgiveness – Money

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as down now that I am back in the city I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into emotional feeling and justify going into emotional felling now that I am in the city I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe i have a valid reason to go into emotional feeling I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel stuck in the city I forgive myself that I have acceted and allowed myself to feel hopeless now that I am back in the city I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hopelessness related to being back in the city with no money I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expeirience hoplessness related to money becasuse i currently dont have a cash flow and I have allowed myself to see this as a common thing for me and then within this go into self defeat I forgive myself that I have accetpted and allowed myself to exist within my mind - thinking about all the ways that the system is bigger than me and I am not making money I forgive myself that I have accetped and allowed myself to go into self defeat related to money and self movement, within this accepting and allowing myself to do nothing but sit around