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Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

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Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me. So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes. I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again. I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”. So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’ I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently. Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself. I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me. It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”. So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy...first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him. I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side. I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans. So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night. Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point. Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out” Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up. It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction. I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it. So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing. They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of. So will see how this point goes with the Job. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’ I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

Finding A Job in this World – Horses or Hammers? 2010/10/12

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It has been in ‘interesting’ last week. What do I mean by ‘interesting’ ? I faced/am facing myself within the point of “finding a job”. So for the last week have been busy each day scouring the internet for jobs, though having realizing through this process what exactly ‘goes into’ ‘scouring’ Within ‘scouring’ I noticed that I will go through all the adds in like a mad a search to find a job, and just sift through hundreds of adds, looking for jobs that I could/can apply to, at times not actually going about this in the most practical way but seeing that I was moving and directing myself with a point of fear and frenzy much of the time. It was like the point “kicked-in” and I was like “fuck-I gotta get a job” I knew this point was inevitable but just exactly how it was going to unfold I did not know. So, the point is Here now and I am facing myself within this. I have found my application to change over the last week within facing this point, I noticed myself less directive within my days, and actually experiencing tiredness now during the days. A point that was not coming up previously. I see/perceive this point as being ‘big’ which is an indicator towards how I have designed the entire experience of myself around it. I have never been in this position before, where here I am “in my life” and I am required to make a decision now based on the foundation of myself as the principle of what is best for all. Or rather based on the understanding of this becoming my foundation through a process of self realization so to speak. And in a way within looking for a Job and considering this point, I have come to realize different aspects of what it means stand in “what is best for all” As I browsed through the adds, it was like I would place myself in the context of what the add describes, where I would see myself doing the job, performing the task, working with the people, basically for each add I would actually place myself in the experience of myself working in that particular job. Some jobs I experienced resistance, others I experienced myself as “fitting nicely” others I would experience a kind of “hope or warmth about the job” so within doing this looking at and considering “what is best for all” Initially I only thought that I would just be looking for something part time, where I could still work at home with desteni stuff, and not necessarily go “full-out” so to speak into a job. But as I went through the adds I began to ask myself questions like, “why not get a full-time job” “what’s holding you back” As I went through the adds  and I considered each add by placing myself within that point and seeing the outflows of placing myself in such a point, I began to notice and see how certain specific jobs would be more beneficial to “what is best for all” within where I would actually be placing myself in a point where in I could/can develop certain skills, or generate a specific amount of money etc...where all of this has a ‘consequence’ a physical out-flow of events which will accumulate to a specific point. And the consideration/question Here within these options was/is What is Best for ALL. Why is this point ‘Big’ – As this point opened up more, I realized that this decision that I could/can potentially make here will play a specific role in the development of myself and where I will stand and place myself in the future as a point which support What is Best For All and the Emergence of a World Equality System. So in this I began to experience anxiety from the perspective of now seeing that this decision will actually play “quite a role in my life” and I did not want to “make  a mistake” or base this decision in Self Dishonesty where I “lock myself into” so to speak, I time loop because I “went for self interest” instead of what is practically best for all. Within now facing myself here in making a decision in this point which has/had opened up where in now I am looking at options which could last a year long for example or that now have consequence stretching years into my life and even points that I see will remain with me for eternity so to speak, but to keep in perspective the practicality of what is here to be done within this Life Time in Establishing an Equal Money System, this decision that was now before me is/will play a definitive role so to speak, in where I will eventually “end-up/place myself” This point in a way “rocked my world” I mean, what am I willing to do. Am I really willing to take action in what is best for all. These points were now coming up in my world in seeing now that I will be getting a job, and seeing now that I will now be getting a job to earn money to pay off my loans and eventually prepare myself for education which is a point I am considering Here in the future. I mean now Here the “Art” point comes into play as well, where this point in itself has become very quickly invalid in the way that I was considering it before.  Where now I see “Art” as a point which I will do once the basics are taken care of. So this in a way is a shift/transformation in the way I have prioritized myself simply in seeing the common sense of “taking care of the basics” before the Luxuries. I mean the art point has not been stable at all, particularly since coming back to the city here in Calgary. I have done almost no drawing or art at all, and simply experience a point of restless anxiety with regards to how I have been going about the Art thus far since coming back to Canada and now being here in Canada. At the moment I am looking now, how to re-establish this point for myself so that it support equality, so that I can actually slow down within this, and place the point within specificity and stability. Because at the moment, there is a point of restlessness that simply is not ‘creating’ a platform which support art at all. So I have been looking at this point and looking at how to go about actually establishing the whole are point in my world. What role can it play, where can it be most effective, so I will speak a little more on this in a moment. For now I will say the platform within which I was creating my art upon initially has in a way disintegrated and collapsed. The Two Primary Jobs that seemed most Valid, and that seemed to fit a point that I felt would work and support myself within this process in what is best for all are related to either “Animal Care” or “Practical Labour, building, painting, construction and so on. These two points are the ones that have emerged as a more “longer term solution so to speak” Interestingly enough, I was not actually at all considering the point of working with animals until I came across three adds which “fit my profile” and qualifications. The First one was a “Dog Walker” – that seemed pretty cool and point that came up here was responsibility as I have realized that to support an animal consistently develop a certain point of responsibility within a being, so within considering this point, this experience and skill in working and caring for an animal is one that I see as something that I would like to develop in myself or that would actually be a supportive point for myself in developing the point of actually “caring for / supporting another being” So here with the “dog walker” job this was the moment when “working with animals” was actually a point to consider within looking for work as I had actually developed some pretty cool experience with this while on the desteni farm. So as I looked through more adds over the last few days I was coming across many practical labour jobs which I noticed on most of them required specific qualifications as a ‘certificate’ or ‘training’ that was recognized by the system, so this automatically, “counted me out”  or at least placed me below the ‘preferred’ applicant for many and most of the practical labour jobs advertised.  As I went through the listings I realized that doing practical labour and or working with my hands would actually be a point that would support me within this process, so more and more geared myself towards finding something where in I could/can develop these skills to a sufficient level. At the moment though I am not in a position to enter education within one of these fields so would actually have to find work which would take someone on with “no formal training” Here to I began to consider the point the point of actually working “full-time” within this field, and that within considering this point,  seeing “oh fuck” this would “change everything” meaning changing my accepted and allowed world. Another interesting point here also which ‘dawned’ on me was/is that I have never actually had a Full-Time job within this world. LOL, I have to laugh because all these years that I have worked here I have ‘avoided’ or somehow managed to “get-by” without having to ‘Commit’ to a full time job. I Resisted this immensely, so it is quite interesting here to actually now for the first time, actually be ‘willingly’ consider a full time job. So in this actually this is a point that I have never taken-on before in my life, So from this perspective it is a change in who I have always lived as and been. Another Interesting Add which came up was “Zoo Labourer” this is a full-time position which I applied for where I would work in a zoo as doing practical maintenance around the zoo as well as working on a basic level with the animals. I mean from a certain perspective I see this as pretty cool. As now this is combining these two practical points of Animal Care as Well as Practical Maintenance. It was when I came across this job that I really began to see the point of “doing what is best for all” Firstly I noticed inside myself like an ‘excitement’ or even a ‘hope’ you could say came up where in I felt that this job would be something “I like” and in seeing this point of this job being something “I would like” I saw that from the perspective of “doing what is best for all” to make or base a decision on “because you like something” as the starting point is self interest, so I was looking closely at this point and seeing if this decision for applying for this job was based on this starting point of self interest or if it is based on a clear assessment of how this point will accumulate within the equality equation in that which is best for all. Here also the point of “doing what is best for all”  opened up where in I could see that to take on a role of this nature, would actually require a ‘commitment’ of self. To actually stand at this point for a specific period of time. So here the point of ‘commitment’ opened up where I could then see the question(s) of How I was actually considering this point of commitment or even if I was at all. I mean the zoo point also opened up future prospects of “working with animals” in the future, and now to look at “what role animals will play in my life within this process, and is this a practical support point for process, and stuff like this now coming up. So today as I continued to search for jobs I came across an add for a Horse Ranch Assistant. I applied to this add and now will be having an interview this week. This one I feel a bit “off” with still though. It just ‘doesn’t’ feel right, so will be interesting to see what this experience is all about. I noticed that I have this idea and perception within me that these people will be Christian’s or really into God or something, this is a connection I have made with regards to “horse people” being ‘into’ God so to speak, so this is one of the points why I experience this ‘offness’ towards the thing. I also notice this point coming up of “Im not supposed to do that” like this idea I have formed of how I was supposed to come back and live in this city. I also see within this how I actually had formed quite a solid perception of myself of “having to live in this city” seeing as how this is where I currently am, and in a way because this was where I was before. I am remembering now actually which I had forgot about how in returning to the city that I immediately was looking for places to live that were not in the city as I saw the city as a place where I do not necessarily want to live. And that “what is the actual use of me being there” So in fact I had been considering the point of “not living in the city” which I had forget about, and had in a way accepted life as this where I was living in the city. I Also have developed this idea/perception that these people on the ranch will be “all into family” meaning quite tied into this construct which will cause friction. Basically this is a 200 acre Ranch with 29 stables where they breed show horses and jump horses. So in this job I would actually move out and live right on the ranch and would be working with horses taking on a similar role in which i did on the desteni Farm. Because I would also be responsible for making sure all the practical points like farm maintenance and directing student workers and such were all running smoothly. So quite interesting really. Will see what unfolds. I emailed them tonight and got a reply for an interview this week sometime. I will keep you posted. I also have a meeting with someone tomorrow who wants to discuss my “art practice” she is working for a magazine and is interviewing some artist that have been a part of the “market collective” that I am participating in which is a fair type thing where I sell my work. So this should be interesting to see what unfolds here also. Ok so that’s all the points for now.