Tag Archives: resonances

Sharing My Daily Process – Settling in At Landscaping Job

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So at work at the moment, we are building a fence. A cedar fence. It smells nice and I enjoy working with the wood. I have been cutting allot on the table saw, and the saw slice through the wood quite smooth as the wood is ‘soft’ So I have been busy on this project at work for the whole week. I have enjoyed now starting work and the process of working. There is quite a bit of “moving points” within the job that one must require to align together at certain points in time, and so am pushing myself to get effective with my direction within all this, and essentially just becoming as effective as possible at doing my job. I have now been more busy the last 2 weeks at this job so things are still opening up and from a certain perspective everyone is still busy aligning with each other, and adjusting ourselves, from the perspective of puzzle pieces which must make some adjustments so that all pieces fit together as one unit, so from this perspective each one is still finding how everything is going to work and move etc. Each day I see points where I can improve myself within my application at work so this is cool, as I would like to be getting the most out of each moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I mean this is full-on work in the system now so would like to get precise, meticulous, specific, stable, and as directive as possible within this. So yes as mentioned, I am seeing each day areas where I can be more effective. Like for instance today I was looking at the point of not accepting and allowing myself to be lazy in my communication at any point in the day, where in I do not communicate a point thoroughly and precise but just kind of say what ever comes up, but not really taking on that point of stopping for a moment before I speak from the perspective of making sure that the words I speak are actually going to be clear and give effective direction, as I noticed I would at times, blur words together or not explain my point through using words in my vocabulary that would have made the entire explanation much easier to grasp. Aside from work, another interesting point came up today as I was standing in the shopping mall. The point is that I noticed that I was seeing/experiencing people as if they were ‘mean’ or “out to get me” or “would get angry” if I spoke or communicated with them. So this is interesting as I have accepted and allowed myself to within this develop a fear of people. Why? Well because I simply expect them to get angry or mad at me or be annoyed at me or things of this nature, if I am even in their presence, let alone actually communicate with them. Because of this perception I had/have towards people, I Always hold-back, and retract myself and never ever communicate with people or strangers, as it is like I expect them to “lash out” So this is one side of it, and I also see a fear of have of the presence of people. What I mean is its like I feared to actually ‘address’ that presence of the being, or bring myself to that level where I am actually communicating with the being as their self presence but rather I would always just speak to them from the perspective of mind/fear, as from a certain perspective I feared actually bringing myself to that point of where I am actually seeing/addressing/experiencing the presence of the being. It is a point of Self Intimacy, and so in seeing this today at the shopping mall, I asked myself; what is it that I am so afraid of as to why I would not ever want to actually stand before a being and actually speak to them like a human being, but always just talk at them reciting pre-programmed phrases but never ever actually communicating anything. It was like I was afraid of actually communicating with them. It was like I was afraid of what the might say or immediately go into defence mode, and stuff like this. I will investigate this point more and see what else comes up. So those were a few points from today.

Resonant Resistance – Back Doors – Establishing Clarity – Oct 24th/2010

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Resonant Resistance - Back Doors - Establishing Clarity - Oct 24th/2010   Hi,everyone. Today I went again to my job on the horse ranch. Today I was going to work with the girl there who , “runs everything” So this would be a good indicator as to see if the job is going to work or not. If anyone has read my previous two blogs I wrote about this point, and in particular the resistance that was “coming up”, that I was experiencing inside myself as I walked through this job each day. Today was much of the same, but in a way even more resistance. What I see is that this resistance is actually in relation to the people mostly, not the actual physical duties of the job, which I see I am effective within and the part with working with the horses, see that I am capable of this and just require time simply to get comfortable. I began to experience a headache, and upper back/shoulder pain nearing the end of the day. I experienced myself within a clenched expression similar to that I wrote about previously. I felt I was not able to speak openly to the being I was working with and at times experienced a “gap”  in-between where I was standing and where she was standing, and that to “close” that gap may not actually be possible, though in a way this is a kind of speculation. I was looking at this point quite intently, looking at the practicality of this job working out, and looking at my experience of feeling closed in, boxed in, suffocated, in a way, and “not knowing” if I would actually be able to express me within this situation/environment, from the perspective of if I actually express me as who I am, and what I stand for, it would cause “to much” friction. I cannot make people change, and I see the point of in order for this job to work, it will require work, and effort, and the resonant experience of myself was quite stressed and strained, and so I simply look within me and see, am I able to walk this point, because in essence I will be walking this point alone, meaning, I cannot expect these beings around me to change. Particularly within observing the context within which I have placed myself, that being a Business, related to and constructed around the “family matrix” so it is quite heavy from a certain perspective. Interesting I experienced this same point on the Farm when I was in the agreement with Andrea. It’s Like a ‘massive resistance’ where I experienced myself as being constantly in a stress, and so we worked with this point from the perspective of understanding, as well has having interviews with our resonances and Bernard for support in being able to ‘move’ the resonances. So this experience of myself within this environment is similar, and now I am alone and have no support as I did on the farm so in this really see this point as not working out. So simply will let this point go. Its quite a fuck up that beings can’t get along, And I mean with this girl I was working with today, it was almost unspeakable in a way what the point actually is, but its just like down there deep there are these two points that are simply not working at all, not aligning , and creating a discord. Eventually this will “blow up” So back to the drawing board to find a job in this world in the Matrix. Now looking at a point which will empower me within this world so to speak. Like a practical skill that is actually required in this world. Oh ya, interesting point here as well in the comparison of this job experience to my agreement I had with Andrea. Fascinating how these two points are so comparable but I experience myself resonantly very similar, and exactly the same on some points, one of them being related to “the back door” I ‘wanted’ the agreement to work. I ‘want/wanted’ this job to work. But when I look “down the road” I see that there is this fuzziness. The same kind of fuzziness I saw when “looked down the road” of the agreement. So I see this as “a back door point” where actually, I have a back door, am not committed to the point, but will actually take the back door, when it arrives. So pretty cool actually to have this agreement point as a reference here, because who knows how long I would have ‘strung’ this job along, all the while knowing inside myself that “I am unable to commit to the point” So now I see here that this is what is going on, that I actually am not able to commit here, but only making myself believe that I am able to, like a point of self delusion in a way. So I am simply going to let this point go, and as mentioned go “back to drawing board” and find a point I can/am able to commit to, so that there is no “fuzziness” so to speak, but certainty, clarity, and understanding.