It has been in ‘interesting’ last week. What do I mean by ‘interesting’ ? I faced/am facing myself within the point of “finding a job”. So for the last week have been busy each day scouring the internet for jobs, though having realizing through this process what exactly ‘goes into’ ‘scouring’ Within ‘scouring’ I noticed that I will go through all the adds in like a mad a search to find a job, and just sift through hundreds of adds, looking for jobs that I could/can apply to, at times not actually going about this in the most practical way but seeing that I was moving and directing myself with a point of fear and frenzy much of the time. It was like the point “kicked-in” and I was like “fuck-I gotta get a job” I knew this point was inevitable but just exactly how it was going to unfold I did not know. So, the point is Here now and I am facing myself within this. I have found my application to change over the last week within facing this point, I noticed myself less directive within my days, and actually experiencing tiredness now during the days. A point that was not coming up previously. I see/perceive this point as being ‘big’ which is an indicator towards how I have designed the entire experience of myself around it. I have never been in this position before, where here I am “in my life” and I am required to make a decision now based on the foundation of myself as the principle of what is best for all. Or rather based on the understanding of this becoming my foundation through a process of self realization so to speak. And in a way within looking for a Job and considering this point, I have come to realize different aspects of what it means stand in “what is best for all” As I browsed through the adds, it was like I would place myself in the context of what the add describes, where I would see myself doing the job, performing the task, working with the people, basically for each add I would actually place myself in the experience of myself working in that particular job. Some jobs I experienced resistance, others I experienced myself as “fitting nicely” others I would experience a kind of “hope or warmth about the job” so within doing this looking at and considering “what is best for all” Initially I only thought that I would just be looking for something part time, where I could still work at home with desteni stuff, and not necessarily go “full-out” so to speak into a job. But as I went through the adds I began to ask myself questions like, “why not get a full-time job” “what’s holding you back” As I went through the adds and I considered each add by placing myself within that point and seeing the outflows of placing myself in such a point, I began to notice and see how certain specific jobs would be more beneficial to “what is best for all” within where I would actually be placing myself in a point where in I could/can develop certain skills, or generate a specific amount of money etc…where all of this has a ‘consequence’ a physical out-flow of events which will accumulate to a specific point. And the consideration/question Here within these options was/is What is Best for ALL.
Why is this point ‘Big’ – As this point opened up more, I realized that this decision that I could/can potentially make here will play a specific role in the development of myself and where I will stand and place myself in the future as a point which support What is Best For All and the Emergence of a World Equality System. So in this I began to experience anxiety from the perspective of now seeing that this decision will actually play “quite a role in my life” and I did not want to “make a mistake” or base this decision in Self Dishonesty where I “lock myself into” so to speak, I time loop because I “went for self interest” instead of what is practically best for all. Within now facing myself here in making a decision in this point which has/had opened up where in now I am looking at options which could last a year long for example or that now have consequence stretching years into my life and even points that I see will remain with me for eternity so to speak, but to keep in perspective the practicality of what is here to be done within this Life Time in Establishing an Equal Money System, this decision that was now before me is/will play a definitive role so to speak, in where I will eventually “end-up/place myself”
This point in a way “rocked my world” I mean, what am I willing to do. Am I really willing to take action in what is best for all. These points were now coming up in my world in seeing now that I will be getting a job, and seeing now that I will now be getting a job to earn money to pay off my loans and eventually prepare myself for education which is a point I am considering Here in the future.
I mean now Here the “Art” point comes into play as well, where this point in itself has become very quickly invalid in the way that I was considering it before. Where now I see “Art” as a point which I will do once the basics are taken care of. So this in a way is a shift/transformation in the way I have prioritized myself simply in seeing the common sense of “taking care of the basics” before the Luxuries. I mean the art point has not been stable at all, particularly since coming back to the city here in Calgary. I have done almost no drawing or art at all, and simply experience a point of restless anxiety with regards to how I have been going about the Art thus far since coming back to Canada and now being here in Canada. At the moment I am looking now, how to re-establish this point for myself so that it support equality, so that I can actually slow down within this, and place the point within specificity and stability. Because at the moment, there is a point of restlessness that simply is not ‘creating’ a platform which support art at all. So I have been looking at this point and looking at how to go about actually establishing the whole are point in my world. What role can it play, where can it be most effective, so I will speak a little more on this in a moment. For now I will say the platform within which I was creating my art upon initially has in a way disintegrated and collapsed.
The Two Primary Jobs that seemed most Valid, and that seemed to fit a point that I felt would work and support myself within this process in what is best for all are related to either “Animal Care” or “Practical Labour, building, painting, construction and so on. These two points are the ones that have emerged as a more “longer term solution so to speak” Interestingly enough, I was not actually at all considering the point of working with animals until I came across three adds which “fit my profile” and qualifications.
The First one was a “Dog Walker” – that seemed pretty cool and point that came up here was responsibility as I have realized that to support an animal consistently develop a certain point of responsibility within a being, so within considering this point, this experience and skill in working and caring for an animal is one that I see as something that I would like to develop in myself or that would actually be a supportive point for myself in developing the point of actually “caring for / supporting another being” So here with the “dog walker” job this was the moment when “working with animals” was actually a point to consider within looking for work as I had actually developed some pretty cool experience with this while on the desteni farm.
So as I looked through more adds over the last few days I was coming across many practical labour jobs which I noticed on most of them required specific qualifications as a ‘certificate’ or ‘training’ that was recognized by the system, so this automatically, “counted me out” or at least placed me below the ‘preferred’ applicant for many and most of the practical labour jobs advertised. As I went through the listings I realized that doing practical labour and or working with my hands would actually be a point that would support me within this process, so more and more geared myself towards finding something where in I could/can develop these skills to a sufficient level. At the moment though I am not in a position to enter education within one of these fields so would actually have to find work which would take someone on with “no formal training” Here to I began to consider the point the point of actually working “full-time” within this field, and that within considering this point, seeing “oh fuck” this would “change everything” meaning changing my accepted and allowed world. Another interesting point here also which ‘dawned’ on me was/is that I have never actually had a Full-Time job within this world. LOL, I have to laugh because all these years that I have worked here I have ‘avoided’ or somehow managed to “get-by” without having to ‘Commit’ to a full time job. I Resisted this immensely, so it is quite interesting here to actually now for the first time, actually be ‘willingly’ consider a full time job. So in this actually this is a point that I have never taken-on before in my life, So from this perspective it is a change in who I have always lived as and been.
Another Interesting Add which came up was “Zoo Labourer” this is a full-time position which I applied for where I would work in a zoo as doing practical maintenance around the zoo as well as working on a basic level with the animals. I mean from a certain perspective I see this as pretty cool. As now this is combining these two practical points of Animal Care as Well as Practical Maintenance.
It was when I came across this job that I really began to see the point of “doing what is best for all” Firstly I noticed inside myself like an ‘excitement’ or even a ‘hope’ you could say came up where in I felt that this job would be something “I like” and in seeing this point of this job being something “I would like” I saw that from the perspective of “doing what is best for all” to make or base a decision on “because you like something” as the starting point is self interest, so I was looking closely at this point and seeing if this decision for applying for this job was based on this starting point of self interest or if it is based on a clear assessment of how this point will accumulate within the equality equation in that which is best for all. Here also the point of “doing what is best for all” opened up where in I could see that to take on a role of this nature, would actually require a ‘commitment’ of self. To actually stand at this point for a specific period of time. So here the point of ‘commitment’ opened up where I could then see the question(s) of How I was actually considering this point of commitment or even if I was at all. I mean the zoo point also opened up future prospects of “working with animals” in the future, and now to look at “what role animals will play in my life within this process, and is this a practical support point for process, and stuff like this now coming up.
So today as I continued to search for jobs I came across an add for a Horse Ranch Assistant. I applied to this add and now will be having an interview this week. This one I feel a bit “off” with still though. It just ‘doesn’t’ feel right, so will be interesting to see what this experience is all about. I noticed that I have this idea and perception within me that these people will be Christian’s or really into God or something, this is a connection I have made with regards to “horse people” being ‘into’ God so to speak, so this is one of the points why I experience this ‘offness’ towards the thing.
I also notice this point coming up of “Im not supposed to do that” like this idea I have formed of how I was supposed to come back and live in this city. I also see within this how I actually had formed quite a solid perception of myself of “having to live in this city” seeing as how this is where I currently am, and in a way because this was where I was before. I am remembering now actually which I had forgot about how in returning to the city that I immediately was looking for places to live that were not in the city as I saw the city as a place where I do not necessarily want to live. And that “what is the actual use of me being there” So in fact I had been considering the point of “not living in the city” which I had forget about, and had in a way accepted life as this where I was living in the city. I Also have developed this idea/perception that these people on the ranch will be “all into family” meaning quite tied into this construct which will cause friction.
Basically this is a 200 acre Ranch with 29 stables where they breed show horses and jump horses. So in this job I would actually move out and live right on the ranch and would be working with horses taking on a similar role in which i did on the desteni Farm. Because I would also be responsible for making sure all the practical points like farm maintenance and directing student workers and such were all running smoothly. So quite interesting really. Will see what unfolds. I emailed them tonight and got a reply for an interview this week sometime. I will keep you posted.
I also have a meeting with someone tomorrow who wants to discuss my “art practice” she is working for a magazine and is interviewing some artist that have been a part of the “market collective” that I am participating in which is a fair type thing where I sell my work. So this should be interesting to see what unfolds here also.
Ok so that’s all the points for now.