2012: Art Studio Process – Taking Responsibility For my Day Moment by Moment

Since the weather has been getting nicer here this last week. For the last 2 days I have been going out behind my studio to the river side and park area and making some landscape paintings. This process is effective at gathering information and understanding as well as reference I can use later in my studio. It is also just a cool process in itself to simply take my easel and supplies outside and make paintings directly from the landscape. I haven’t done this in a while so I had to get warmed up again.

I have found it to be quite interesting to be applying myself in making artwork again, particularly in relation to what I have been walking the last few years with Desteni and basically having now a different approach to how to direct myself within this reality. This approach for instance being developed within, through my participation with desteni and walking the DIP courses and overall aligning myself with the point of taking responsibility for myself instead of my approach to life, which before desteni was really just wandering around in the dark in allot of ways.

I have found doing these landscape paintings the last couple of days to be quite stabilizing for my art practice. Initially when I got into the studio I just jumped right in and started painting and what I am realizing and seeing now is that my approach was more based on trying to skip or take a short cut in a way instead of walking the process from the beginning, step by step in a practical way. I in essence wanted to just start in the middle or at the end and what ended up happening is that I crashed.

What I like about the doing the landscape paintings over the last couple days is that I am able to see the step by step progression that I am walking, instead of skipping the whole development stage and trying to get right to the end which is what I actually initially started doing when I got into the studio. Because of this I ended up with a big massive painting that was too big and I experienced myself as quite lost within it allot of the time and the stability was not coming through in myself or in the painting. I experienced myself as falling the entire time and not really able to grasp onto something solid. So now I have put this aside and getting back to basics – lol

Since approaching making art this time around I am seeing all these holes in my process where before I just saw this as normal and from a certain perspective did not even notice. So now I am seeing all these holes in my entire art making process which are simply not acceptable because why would I allow such points as all that it manifest is limitation and instability. So now I am busy with making sure each point actually connect to each other to form a Whole instead of some points just hanging there and not connecting to anything. This will ensure that I don’t end up painting/walking along and suddenly find myself standing at a gaping crevasse with no idea how to get to the other side. It is interesting that I allowed these points to exist before. Thus I am now busy with making sure each point is connected effectively and there is no more gaps or points that lead to nowhere. .

So with these landscapes that I have doing the last couple days there is an aspect of stability that is coming through with them which is cool. One aspect of this is that I can see the progression of them. I have decided not to rush them either. I am starting with quite a small scale and just working with this small scale until I am directing every aspect and part of the painting on a small scale. Once I can do this with some consistency it will be more natural for me to move to a bit larger scale. So in essence taking a more practical approach to getting my painting process moving in the right direction and on a secure foundation!

When I first started with these smaller paintings I had to kind of “feel it out” and was getting to know how to do this kind of painting again. I had a basic foundation which was cool so started from there. Slowly but surely with each passing painting I could see how my movements within the painting was becoming more directed. I see/realize the point is to make sure that every single moment/brushstroke is 100 percent directed and to not allow any “I don’t know” brush strokes or “I am not sure” brushstrokes.

Because this implies that I am not directing myself within understanding but allowing the mind to interpret what I am seeing instead of seeing conclusively and deliberately placing what I see on the canvas. So this has been quite interesting because as I have moved along, my direction in each successive painting has been getting more specific and more directed and I have been able to actually see how each brush stroke connects with the next.

This is also quite a fascinating point within the context of process because this is how one live there lives daily where ones day is essentially made up of multiple moments all stringing together to “create your day” each moment has a relationship with the next moment.

So from this perspective I see/realize how I am able to practically apply my “experience” within painting to my life so to speak and vice versa.

The point is to not accept and allow any moments to just go unattended to or undirected or unseen, because in the end you have an entire day and if you basically left some moments during that day “unattended to” than that means that they still form a relationship with the other moments around it and are a part of your total accumulated day.

So for me it is to direct myself to take responsibility for every single moment during my day.and likewise with every brush stroke of my painting

In the paintings the moments or brush strokes I did not take responsibility for ended up turning out as a glitch and it kind of fuck with the painting, like for instance “hey that’s a cool painting of a tree…but whats that weird mark in the corner?”

So my direction is to push for clarity within each moment. “Why am I making such a decision” for instance in each moment. “How does this related and connect to the other moments and in relationship what is this forming and creating?”

Within my life, the painting I am forming as the relationships I am directing myself to create/connect is the painting of what is best for all.

Within this I am first getting to know myself and how I function. Here I am also supporting myself to make sure it is ME that is making my decisions where in I am seeing in every moment WHY and I am directing myself the particular way I am and how this will related to  the other moments in forming what I am directing myself create which is ultimately a world that is Best for ALL.

Initially I am working with myself so that I can start to see why and how I make the decisions I make and to ensure that each and every decision I make is specific and towards the outcome of supporting myself to get to know myself effectively and creating a world that is best for all.

So it is to refine my movement within my day and make sure I am HERE in every moment, and am Accountable for every moment, exploring, and learning how to direct myself practically in a way that is best for all. In a way that the moments forming relationships with each other will accumulate what is best for all.

This for instance I can take back to my world practically where in I ensure my phyical actions and decisions provide me with practical support necessary within the context of the system to ensure I am stable in my world and able to continue with supporting myself within the DIP courses and what we are busy with with desteni.

Or making sure that my actions/moments will lead to an outcome where I will end up with having a stable income. Or for instance ensuring that I am directing myself to write effectively as a tool to utilize to get to know myself and seeing more specifically what is actually going on inside me and what really goes on “behind the scenes” in my mind as I “make decisions” and live my life.

So this has been cool the last couple days doing these paintings outside and seeing this point about taking responsibility for every single moment/brushstroke where I make sure that I am placing each brush stroke deliberately that will have the accumulated affect of forming the picture before me that I am painting.

So each day I walk is like a painting and thus I realize that the point is take responsibility for each moment of my day so that I am in fact Directing my day and directing myself instead of just randomly living.

One tiny painting about 3 by 5 inches I am finding has hundreds of moments/decisions/brushstrokes. This shows the degree of detail and specificity that is actually available for one to really start directing themselves every moment. So its like really breaking down how many moments exist in ones day and making sure each moment is accounted for.

Thus the same with my day. To direct myself to take responsibility for every moment and ensure that everything I am doing has a purpose. Each moment is a specific decision or actions or direction of myself to ensure I am creating a world that is best for all.

Otherwise we just end up with a world that is a mess and total chaos. A world that might pass as a nice picture but there is still so many points that have been left unattended that went “under the radar” so to speak, instead of us directing every single aspect of everything that is here to make sure all points and all parts have been taken responsibility for.

One final point is that what I see in the paintings is that it is in fact a progression – I did not get it perfect the first time and so thus to not expect this with my life either, but likewise taking it day by day and just keep practicing keep pushing and keep directing myself to become more clear and more specific within moving myself within my day.

One final clarification I want to place here is with regards to the actual Direction of my Direction so to speak.  I have made a decision to walk “what is best for all” where this  principle of “what is best for all” is the foundation of my Direction.

I have decided to take responsibility for myself which imply that I must actually understand how I am actually created my world and creating what is here within this world.

I realized this is necessary because of what we are currently accepting and allowing to exist in this world which is at it’s root based on really not giving a fuck about this world or about each other at all but instead just fighting amongst ourselves in competition and greed until eventually we completely destroy ourselves if we haven’t already done this.

Hence making a decision to walk a process of self correction and re-aligning myself to actual LIFE within a point of actually Honouring what is here as Life and put an end to the abuse and suffering that we are all currently creating as Life..

For more perspective on the process of standing up and taking responsibility for yourself visit


For information on the in’s and out’s of what an equal money system is and how such a system can be implemented in this world to support all beings on earth visit


To get started with the Desteni I Process to assist and support you to walk the process of taking responsibility for yourself visit



2012: Human Ingenuity Will Never Save Humanity

I was watching a Documentary today called “Collapse”. The documentary brings forward the insights and observations of Michael Ruppert, a police officer turned independent reporter who is noted to have predicted the current economic collapse. During the series of questions asked to Mr Ruppert as he outlined his version of the plight of the world to come, that being, one of inevitable collapse, the interviewer nearing the latter stage of the interview prompts with a question, in response to this dire picture being painted before his eyes by Mr Ruppert…


“What about Human Ingenuity?”


This is not the first time I have come across a statement of this nature. This kind of statement is often used to spark Hope within ourselves as their being some light at the end of the tunnel. Like for instance ‘when all is said and done, human beings are just to smart or intelligent to die off’, or that somehow, someway human beings will “find a way”


So when looking at this world and the state of the economy and things like global warming and mass starvation and poverty and war and destruction, and diminishing natural resources around the globe, this point of “Human Ingenuity” comes into play as that which somehow has any sort of value as an actual point of consideration.


I can hear these words now being proclaimed in some presidential hopeful’s campaign speech. ‘We will find a way, we have to much integrity, to much passion, bla bla bla bla yes we can bla bla bla’.


I have a question.


Why is it that we wait for the last possible second to get off our butts and do something about the consequences that we have created through doing absolutely nothing for so long.


How can we even utter the words “Human Ingenuity” when taking a look at the world that we have created and went along creating which has cause so much destruction on the planet and ourselves and basically everything on earth.


Human Ingenuity is a catch phrase.

Human Ingenuity is only required when both wings have been torn off the plane and the engine has stopped.


Human Ingenuity is the same thing as saying we need a Miracle. Although it suggests some kind of intelligence level also of the human being which I cannot help but question simply based on the world that we have already created for ourselves.


The Idea of Human Ingenuity is indicative of the mentality that we as Humanity have developed / accepted as our main approach to living life.


It is like a Miracle Fix.


Like winning the Lotto

Like finding that perfect relationship to finally make you happy

Like getting that one breakthrough at work that will put you where you need to be

Like being saved by God

Like Ascending



The Orgasm


It is a fixation on a singular event that will somehow fix everything and make everything all better.


When things are broken and falling apart and you have no actual solution – That is when you resort to “Human Ingenuity” And I mean it is interesting because “Human Ingenuity” Implies some kind of Solution, yet in itself there is no practical plan. It is just simply  “Human Ingenuity” It is the perfect catch phrase to fill the gap and distract the voter when in fact, There Is No Plan! There is no solution, no one actually knows what to do and thus resorting to bringing up the whole “Humans will find a way” bull-shit, and that Human Ingenuity will save us.


One reason I noticed this point today when the interviewer making the interview mentioned it is due to my participation with Desteni over the last 4 years.


I realized that we at Desteni are not depending or relying on human Ingenuity.


Well first of all because Human Ingenuity is just pretty words used to deceive ourselves into thinking things will be ok, and we can just relax and go back to what we were doing. Human Ingenuity is not real!


When for instance you stand before a piece of Architecture or even stand back and gaze at an entire city with all its process’s and workings and structures, subway lines, road/ traffic system, massive sky scrapers , houses and all these interrelated systems working together to form the this Metropolis  you might resort to calling it a feat of Human Ingenuity, when in fact it is not. It did not Magically Appear in one poof of smoke. It took years and years and years to build. Step by step, brick by brick. And on a fundamental level, it is based simply on common sense! Common Sense that does not take a mastermind to create. It is more basic than that.


I have found so many times in my life that when standing on the outside looking in, things appear complicated. Complicated to the degree that I myself feel inferior and unqualified. But once I actually decide to take on the task and place myself in the task, I find that it really just boils down to practical common sense. Like Real Basic Shit! 1’s and 0’s.


So Here we are at this stage in our evolution and this phrase of “Human Ingenuity” pops up. Yet it is deceptive, because Human Ingenuity as how it is believed to exist, never created anything. In Fact It was a series of simple common sense steps done 1 at a time on a real basic level that anyone can do, and that accumulated over time into a more “complex” construction.


So from this perspective Human Ingenuity is actually indicating that we as Humanity have psychologically impaired ourselves, and are actually existing in a delusional state of mind. Because if one actually look to see how things get done in this reality, It is not magical at all. Thus anyone using this whole idea of Human Ingenuity, I suggest this is indicating that they are in fact mentally unstable as they are not seeing how this reality is actually functioning but have succumbed to believing that something which actually took many small basic steps through time and space to develop, actually manifested somehow magically in one moment as a feat of Human Ingenuity.


At Desteni we are not interested in magical solutions, or should I say magical delusions. We are not interested in this delusional idea of human ingenuity, as I have found for myself that it is much more practical to simply focus on one step at a time, keep it simple, and to apply oneself in this way. (See: ‘Equality Equation’)


At Desteni we are proposing an Equal Money System. This System is not just going to Magically Appear one day and it will NOT be a feat of human Ingenuity. It will be a feat of basic common sense and practical step by step application.


Desteni has already put in place the Desteni I Process. The Desteni I Process is a Educational Platform to support the Re-education of ourselves so that we can learn and understand how to live in this world in a way that is based on common sense and in alignment with the earth we live on. Meaning for instance not creating a world system that is in fact Contrary to the rules and laws of this reality where we end up driving this planet into destruction because the dollar bill has become our God instead of seeing/ realizing that we have basically extracted all the sustenance from within and as this world to inflate our money supply where we are fixated on this idea that in the end, these billions of dollar bills or numbers on a computer screen will save us when there is literally no food, water or infrastructure left standing. Because we have ignored the practical aspects of what it takes to maintain a functional sustainable system to support physical life on earth. We are now Trapped in our own Fear and Delusion and our only Solution we can come up with in or  have conditioned ourselves to believe  in our paniced state of mind is “Make More Money” “Must Find a Way to Make More Money”


At Desteni we have already begun the process of Correction. And this starts with as mentioned, Education. In Understanding the problem, in understanding where we went wrong, how we fucked up, why the world is the way it is, why we are the way we are, why we are destroying our planet. Basically Who we Are as LIFE.


So at Desteni we are interested in a complete and total re-engineering of ourselves as Human Beings. This makes sense because if you look around, we have really really fucked this world up and thus required to start over, to start from scratch and create a new world. So why not start the process now, instead of just holding onto the sinking ship.


Over the last four years I have taken on this process of re-engineering myself. In investigating myself to see how I actually function. I have also started to investigate for instance how the money system function, how the political system function. What kind of steps, processes and know-how will be required to facilitate the implementation of a System that support life, that do not include such points as war, starvation, poverty but instead take ALL life into consideration and provide a platform that supports ALL the life that exist Here on Earth Equally


This literally has required a complete deconstruction of myself and my own belief systems and structures, though which I have come to start to see my own self interest and greed. And obviously making the next logical observation of “How am I supposed to create a world of Equality, A world that is best for ALL, A system that is effectively functional for life, when who I am existing as is actually based on principles of greed and self interest”

Thus it has been a process of first starting with me and supporting myself through a process of writing, self forgiveness and self correction to learn/discover what will actually be required of me to support the emergence of for instance such as system as an Equal Money System.



So this world does not require “Human Ingenuity”

This world does not require a revolution

Or some form of Ascension to take place in 2012.

It requires a process of consistent and step by step, breath by breath corrections that will simply take time.

So do not wait, Investigate Desteni and the Destonians who have begun this process of self correction so that in 15 or 20 years down the road we aren’t sitting there in dire conditions wishing we would have acted or done something about it sooner.


Investigate The Equal Money System and the Desteni I Process

For Self Support Products and Merchandise on 2012, Ascension and More Please Visit: Eqafe.com

Featured Eqafe Product!!!   –  History of the Interdimensional Portal


The Effective Education of Our Children in an Equal Money System

How a child is educated will determine the rest of their life. And it is the parents who are the primary educators of a child. Thus, as parents, we either give a child a “strong enough” foundation to live in this world or literally destroy any possibility they might have to live a fulfilling life. I place “strong enough” in quotations because I am speaking of what we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to do to children in this world. We have created world where we cannot possibly give our children the most effective learning foundation possible as we are busy trapped within the game of survival working to get money to survive.  Even the so-called “successfully” educated children are still programmatically aligned to function within a system of capitalism that abuses life due to principles of self interest and greed. Thus, unfortunately those considered “well educated” is measured in relation to their success in the current system – In essence being perfect System Robots designed as the image and likeness of abuse, greed, and self interest. – Thus that can hardly be called an Effective Education. Though mostly parents “do the best they can” within the context of their lives and in many cases just hope that the child survives in the system, forget about “success”, that is not an option for the majority of individuals in this world. And thus educating our children as become like closing our eyes and tossing up a hail mary pass in the dying minutes of the game. Sending our children  out the door and into the System.  A smile on our face hiding the doubt we actually experience inside ourselves of them being “OK” because we know what it is really like out there in the world. A Capitalistic world where we have become brutal and deceiving as our basic functionality. Giving a child/ourselves a “strong enough” educations cannot be tolerated as an acceptable expression of ourselves. We require to creating an Environment where Excellence is the norm, and equally available to all.

I  recently read a newspaper article, that quoted the COO and President of Kahn Academy in the US commenting on the way we go about educating our youth

A description from the Kahn Academy website reads

“The Khan Academy is an organization on a mission. We’re a not-for-profit with the goal of changing education for the better by providing a free world-class education to anyone anywhere”

From what I have found the Khan Academy is a Free Database of Educational Material that can be accessed online. Thus in itself this is pretty cool, however the particular quote I read I found to be a bit misleading in terms of who we actually are as human beings and how we should go about educating ourselves.

The quote read as follows:

“We treat everybody the same, and the reality is, everyone is different”

This is not the first time I have heard this. I actually remember being taught this in school. That there is “different types of learners” Some are more visual and some are more hands on, and some learn phonetically, where others learn by reading about something.

I mean this sounds very intellectual and all but is it really how things work or have we just once again entranced ourselves with the pretty words we speak without actually looking to see if in fact this is how things work.

Based on the research I have done with Desteni over the last 3 years which in essence is a total Self Investigative/Explorative process, studying the nature of ourselves and how this reality actually function – A point that has emerged which I have found is from one perspective completely contradictory to what is being said in the article by the President and COO of the Kahn Academy.

I have found is that in fact everyone is the same! We all learn exactly the same.

Within the ideas that school presented to me as “how we learn” I had always tried to classify myself as more of a “hands on” learner but also I assumed I would learn things more visually as well, considering I was always more artistic. But this approach had no affect on my actual learning ability. If anything it further separated me from developing the necessary skills I required for a Sound Educational Foundation

From my perspective what ends up happening is that not all children are equally developed when they arrive at school on day one. There is various students with different learning abilities based on the development of their educational foundation that took place in the home before even entering school.  So its not that some people learn in a different way. Its that they haven’t developed the necessary points within themselves to be able to process/learn what is being taught, like their neighbour who may have a more developed foundation to process what is being taught. So then they go and say….”oooohhhh it must be because that student learns differently or is a more visual learner” when the truth is the student simply hasn’t learned to read properly yet, or was provided with a sufficient platform as their neighbor to be able to learn equally. It is thus mis-interpreted as having “different ways” instead of seeing that all beings learn the same though that ones learning foundation may be more sufficiently developed and are thus able to process what is being presented more “normally” so to speak.

We are all physical beings with a physical body, brain, and the same physical functions and mechanisms as each other  which from my perspective would imply we learn in the same way – though not all have been equally and effectively developed within their ability to learn.

How we are Educated/Programmed determines who we become, and what we are capable of in our lives as well as our further ability to learn.

Thus it should be ensured that each child is given the proper effective “learning foundation” so that they are able to in fact learn what is required to learn in this reality to be fully functional and reach their maximum potential.

So I would correct the above quote.

From – “We treat everybody the same, and the reality is, everyone is different”

To – “ We treat everybody different, and the reality is everyone is the same”

In a way its like we are trying to treat the symptoms of a problem without getting to the core.

Funny,  this initial statement is actually backwards! Because if you look in this world you see that not all are “treated the same” due to some having a strong education from birth while others may have next to no education or possibility not even attend school at all. This is NOT by choice. This is due to the current conditions created in this world through and as the Current Money System.

Because of the Current Money System not all children are being treated the same when it comes to development and education. Not all children are given an effective learning foundation which should in fact be a Birth-Right. As a basic necessity that is simply COMMON SENSE that we ourselves as life would do for ourselves to ensure that we are operating and expressing ourselves at our maximum potential so that we are indeed creating an effective reality for ourselves to live in.

In an Equal Money System Children and Adults will all be Educated. Obviously we require to re-educate our Adults as well at the moment because how can we expect someone who agrees with and fully trusts and accepts the current capitalistic system of self interest, greed and manipulation to give a proper well informed education to a child.

In an Equal Money System Education will be available to all simply as a common sense point necessary for proper development of Human Beings and Life on Earth.

Education will not be only “just for the privileged” as it currently is in or Current Money System. And also Alternative Programs such as the Kahn Academy offering free education to all will no longer exist as well from the perspective that ALL education in ALL institutions and will be Free / Accessible to all.  Each child will be given the necessary learning foundation to be able to learn effectively. This will indeed create a much more intelligent race. With Not only Superior abilities in reading, writing, science, math, arts, and other basic education points, but also within an effective understanding of Equality. And how one is able to live effectively to support the Earth, the animals, the plants and other beings in a way that is Best for ALL. Our current Education of our Children is creating clones that will continue doing what all are currently doing now which is in essence destroying life.

Thus we must honour ourselves and life by/ through creating clones as/of ourselves that Support what is best for all. And this can only be done in a System where Money does not have more Value than Life itself. Thus Equal Money System. An Economic System based on the principle of best for all.

Equal Money Website – www.equalmoney.org

Equal Money BOOK now available at EQAFE




I want to communicate about communication. About this world’s normal accepted way of communicating and interacting with one another, and how this “normal” accepted communication and interaction, what we call funny or entertaining or harmless is in fact extensive abuse towards life.

This abuse often gets hidden behind or masked with sarcasm or joking/humour or laughter but what is actually being implied by and through ones jokes is in fact quite cruel and does not in any way support another human being to become a empowered confident expression of life, but simply diminish the other into a position where one then see believe oneself to be inferior and then judge oneself. Basically what I am saying here is that the way we have come to communicate with one another on this planet is within a suppressing, diminishing nature, instead of a supportive encouraging one.

I mean for instance when one go to the shop and bring home a nice plant that they want to set on their kitchen table or window sill and have it blossom and grow and live there in the home with them. They do not firstly take it outside and dump it on the pavement and then crush it under their foot, stamping on it until it is trampled and dead. That would be considered stupidity – Yet this is exactly what I see being done as and through our normal accepted way of interacting and communicating with each other in this world. Strangely it is not even being noticed.

So I suggest the obvious commons sense of giving the plant some water and within the context of this discussion, communicate with other beings from the starting point of SUPORT. We are Here to support the development of self and others equally as life to grow and become a dignified expression that support itself and all life with the utmost care and direction to ensure the expansion, growth and expression of who we are as life. This is definitely NOT! Happening at all, and all you have to do to see it is observe what has come to be our “normal” accepted and allowed mode of communication and interaction with each other.

This particular point has come up quite a bit at work, where I observe my co-workers interacting and joking around though what I see is utter abuse and diminishment of life. Making fun of or diminishing other human beings as a joke? Ridiculing another human being as a joke? Calling another human names as a Joke?

The word that came up the other day after a few months of observing this type of “regular” communication between my co-workers is CRUELTY. At the core of the communication which is all jokey and sarcastic on the surface is in fact Cruelty.

From my perspective my co-workers have not encountered any other way or type of communication to replace humanities overall accepted way of communication.

I mean even listen to what is being pumped and impulsed onto/into us through your cities local popular radio stations…where being dumb and impractical is actually considered cool and something that if one aspire to they will be seen as cool.

I do not support stupidity and impracticality. I rather support being practical, functional and pushing self to develop into an effective human being.

It is a TRAP. What you here on the radio and what your friends are talking about. Its like everyone just agrees that these types of things are supposedly funny and cool. Buy WHY? Who come up with this ridiculous idea.

Aspiring to be dumb is dumb

Homer Simpson comes to mind.

This character made being dumb funny and something to aspire to. Quite fascinating actually. And currently we have evolved and really what we laugh at and aspire to be today makes Home Simpson look like a Genius.

If I look at why this kind of communication is actually becoming more and more and more in this world, and this is in relation to the point of it “being cool”. Thus then A point of motivation for why  someone would ridicule another is because “that is what is funny” and or “Cool” Thus they are not doing to be cruel per-se. They are doing it be funny and cool!  It just so happens that it is F-ing Cruel. But that is overlooked because “it is funny” and “people are laughing at what I am doing” and so “I feel good and important” and so the this viscous behaviour of cruelty and diminishment towards life is perpetuated.

When I was on the Desteni Farm this was where I experienced first hand the affect of communication and interaction that is actually done from the starting point of Support. The point was no longer to try and catch someone doing something so you can embarrass them or laugh at their expense so that you look better. Nope. It was to look at how in any situation you can actually support another being through how you communicate and interact with them.

From this perspective then something like embarrassment will in a way begin to disappear within bringing forth communication done from the starting point of Support within a principle of equality and oneness. Because if one fuck up or make a mistake it will not be like it is now where one is so afraid to make a mistake because they know that there “friends” will be right there to “give them a hard time” which actually means ridicule and diminish them under the guise of sarcasm and “joking around” But it is really not. It is in fact extensively cruel.

This is why I support an equal money system as within the emergence and development of an equal money system we will also change the way we communicate and interact with each other so that our words are like water that encourage the growth and expression of life in every moment and stop being like a boot that crush the life out of a being to only empower ones ego and own self importance.

Stop the abuse within communication and push self to always communication from the starting point of equals and in a way that support and encourage life, as this will bring forth a truly empowered human being.

Here is a Vlog done by Sean Sharing his Specific Experience in relation to this point : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMYAkv0t0ak&feature=share



Fearing/Judging the Truth of Self.

So Gian left a comment on one of the blog posts I made in regards to Self Discipline, where he mentioned the point of Breath and how he directs himself in Breath.
I went immediately into a point of Self Judgment towards myself in how I am directing myself in this process. Particularly in relation to thoughts and the amount of thoughts and backchat and pictures that come up inside of me within my world and how if I were to actually write about everything that comes up I would literally be writing non-stop as the amount of thoughts that “I allow” is extensive compared to not allowing any at all.
So I looked at the point of Gian being young and how others who are younger have less thoughts as they have less manifested systems and constructs inside of them where they are not as ‘integrated’ as their Mind Consciousness System as people that are 10 years older than them.
So I went into immediate Self Judgment and remembered how when I was at the farm that I had more of a ‘Guard’ up and was more active in stopping my thoughts. And now since being back here in Canada I can allow much more mind shit because I do not have to face anyone as where when I was on the farm I had to face myself daily from the perspective of participating with those who were actively stopping their thoughts, or even coming face to face with the the portal or dimensions or who ever was in the body and in that having the truth of self reflected back to self from the perspective of knowing that “nothing was hidden” and thus having to stand face to face with another being and have them see into you and what kind of mind shit you were allowing. So in this I was much more strict with myself in terms of not allowing mind stuff. Though since being in Canada I have let-up on this because I am more alone, and can just allow certain thoughts and not have to “fear of facing myself” Because that is also the point I recognized while I was on the farm is that one of the main reasons I “stopped thoughts” and was more disciplined in “not allowing” mind stuff, was because I was ashamed of the stuff that existed inside of me and so rather I stopped my mind from the starting point of fear, which I realized would not stand the test of time, and eventually I would have to stop my mind from the starting point of self.
So from this perspective I see that I still do not share stuff about my life my experience as I am ashamed of it, and ashamed of myself and essentially judging myself for who I have become.
This point revealed over the last few weeks as I started communicating a bit more to my mom and dad about what I was doing with desteni, and basically they have access to all of everything I post on Facebook. I saw that because of this I started to edit or change what I posted in my blogs in consideration to them. This is a complete fuck up and is a cool point actually in seeing how the family structure completely and absolutely fuck with human beings and keep them locked into their ‘pre-programmed’ personalities. In some of the e-mails my mom started to write she would say stuff like I am not thinking clearly and if I needed time to come home and ‘cleanse’ in way and “sort my stuff out” that I could. So basically here this is the point of my mother thinking that there is something wrong with me. So I noticed that in some of the stuff I would share in my blog posts I would share about experiences that I was having within myself and how I see myself and basically just sharing myself as we have been doing in the desteni process since the beginning. My mom interpreted this as “me having problems” And from a certain perspective this is what I also interpreted it as because I could see then that I would not want to share a point because I would be wanting to avoid my mom seeing what I was writing as me having some kind of problem and so I would not share certain things. Not looking at my reaction to this I see that I am still judging myself for who I am, and what I share. And also still caring what my mother things, and what my family thinks. Instead of me finding that point of trust within myself to be able share any point of myself and not judge myself or define myself within a point of self judgment. But actually I share myself unconditionally without judging myself.
So I see that I started to edit my blog posts on facebook because of “what if my parents see it” But this is actually cool that I see this now because I see that this is not a point that I am willing to accept and allow as myself and within this seeing this see that this is actually me standing up as myself and not accepting and allowing myself to be defined by and through ‘family’.
Where in I see that I will not accept and allow myself to limit myself and or exist within this “family construct” any longer.
So this is simply another stage if you will of facing myself and facing my family. Where now they have became a little more active and thus I am facing the point of now being able to still express me openly and unconditionally as who I really am, regardless of what they may think or perceive and particularly seeing how I actually was/am still existing within the personality of myself as Andrew as who I defined myself to be through my family as how I existed in relation to my family. And who they perceived me as and believed me to be. And so see that in ‘editing’ my posts that I was/am still existing within Aspects of myself as Andrew within the context of my Family. So cool now to “break out” of this construct and not accept and allow myself to exist as that Andrew any longer as that is not who I am willing to accept and allow myself to be as rather I stand up for and as life as equality and what is best for all as life support as “the truth” of who we actually are, and no longer accept and allow myself to “hide” within personalities and ideas, and constructs, as that is Not in fact the truth of Who we are, and thus I will not accept and allow myself to exist within an application of Hiding the actual truth of ourselves which is exactly what the family construct support – the hiding of oneself within an accepted and allowed existence of Hiding, masking and suppressing the real truth of oneself and who we really are in fact.
Now I noticed this point about a week ago with regards to how I was being influenced by and through accepting and allowing myself to continue existing within a personality connected to and created within and defined according to “who I was within my family”. Though another aspect of this revealed yesterday as I read one of Pauls posts he recently posted with regards to sexuality. Within his post he was basically exploring and investigating himself within the point of sexuality. Now I did not really read the entire post but more just skimmed over it, but the point came up of that this post was actually someone sharing the truth of themselves in terms of how they are actually existing as. I saw that I had in way not been doing this to the degree where I have actually started to suppress this point within myself. So I saw a point of shame within myself, in terms of there are still points I do not share or am ashamed of within myself and so within seeing this shame see that I am still judging me and holding onto judgments towards myself and that I – Why would I judge myself? I mean why not just forgive myself. And so see how I actually still have many judgements towards myself which “come up” in terms of how perceive others will see me with regards to the truth of myself, though within bringing this point “back to self” recognize that this is in fact a Self Judgment I have towards myself and that I am allowing myself to exist as, and not actually forgive myself. So must now really look at what specific points am I not yet forgiving and am judging myself for.
Ok Thats it for now.

Writing Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what I do as a profession worrying that I might do something where I end up only playing a marginal role in process and then experience regret for not taking the opportunity to really push myself to stand within a pivotal role in process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless in my application from the perspective of believing that what ever I do it will never be enough as I am already to messed up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that just because I am walking this process alone that I am not able to to effectively education and will myself to direct me into perfection within this process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to “be something” in process instead of just honouring life and ensuring that I treat all beings equal at all times and do what is best for all life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place “what I do in process” as more important than ensuring that I create myself as a being that honor all life and all beings equal in every moment, and that I do not harm or abuse life, but support life and nurture life to express itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “be important” in process, instead of just ensuring that I am actually honouring life in fact, and actually expressing myself in alignment with life and what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself worry or fear that I am not doing good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear falling behind in process.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “let-up” on myself when “things get quite” instead of finding that point of self motivation, and self perfection within self where I will me for me as life as the perfection of life as equality and oneness and push myself in each and every moment into that point of perfection which is what is best for all and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give-up on myself and think “its no use”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself and think “its not use” and that “I am not getting anywhere”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed laziness within and as me to direct me, and within this I “give into laziness” and not direct me here to direct me to apply myself effectively in self specificity and self direction in what is best for all, and not accept any excuse, reason or justification to “give-in” and go into a point of felling “its not use”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within a point of “its no use” as within participating and believing this point I am indicating to self that I have already accepted me to “give into the mind” and give into “Me” from the perspective of who I have accepted and allowed Myself to create ME as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my directive power to my mind, and to my past.
I forgive myself for not allowing me to will me into existence from the perspective of willing me to transform myself and transform the nature of myself through supporting me through writing myself and investigating myself in writing so I can see actually the depth of me and how I am operating inside me deep within me that I have not seen and looked at before.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay on the surface of me instead of pushing me to write into me and see the layers of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept me as limited through in accepting resistance as valid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give-in automatically to “energy” for example when I point of resistance which is a form of energy come up that I ‘obey’ or am ‘influenced’ by that ‘resistance’ or energy to direct, or act a certain way, instead of me deciding what I am going to do and doing it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into to tiredness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into routine
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only read things half way and not diligently read everyword.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to glaze over 100 things, instead of just reading 1 thing properly, effectively and exact.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to race through my day and all the stuff I have to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must “be somewhere” and so race through my application each day, and in this actually “miss my application all together”
I forgive myself for not allowing me to slow myself down within my application and actually write out points in detail and specifically instead of writing about 100 points generally.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to push myself in writing but simply say “that I am effective enough”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not able to open points on my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only get so far with points on my own.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only so far someone can go and that I am not able to push myself beyond this point, and within this I forgive myself for not allowing me to and supporting me to push through my limitations and let go of beliefs I have about what is and what is not possible or most likely true.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will push me too hard of I try and push myself in writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge graphic design as being less than law
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within going into graphic design and being insignificant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hatred inside me for “seeing me as useless” from the perspective of going into a point that is seen or considered to be insignificant in process by others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project hatred, anger and frustration onto others which I have created inside of me in my past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others based grades one get in school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those with money who are working in the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to those that have a stable job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self forgiveness so that others will read it and think oh cool, instead of writing self forgiveness that actually support self here in the moment to investigate and open self up to reveal self to self
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of doing logo design stuff
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define me as weak for going into graphic design.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that I have cool place in process, and hope with all my might, instead of realizing that this process is a self directed process and dependant on how I direct me within my world, not how process direct me. Thus I direct me and experience the outcome of that process.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to trust my own decisions and thus believe that I must work in the system for someone else.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see graphic design as an insignificant role in process as the key point is law as this is where decisions are made.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energy or feeling of wanting to quit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing something based on an energetic feeling that I get to “want to stop now” and within this I forgive myself that I never push myself beyond this point of wanting to stop.
I forgive myself for not allowing me to realize that to change self will not be a “comfortable transition” but rather “uncomfortable” as one push and will oneself to change who one is as how one participate within this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self motivation from the perspective of already placing a limitation or cap on my motivation from the perspective of how “it normally works” instead of me directing me as self motivation as self will as self movement as a point of self moving self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am dumb
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others believing that I am dumb
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dumb
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react when I read the new SRA lesson where in I believed that I was dumb and went into a reaction of fear of Not being able to comprehend the material which meant that I was not smart enough and am now falling behind and just don’t have what it takes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I just don’t have what it takes in this process, and because of this will always just be a marginalized ‘middlegrounder’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough will for this process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have enough motivation for this process
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of fear of falling behind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger and frustration I have an experience within self at “being ineffective within expressing me and opening up points” onto others.

Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010

A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually  simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.


I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself  through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.


Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.


Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.


Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .


And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.


I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant.  And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.


In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way

Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough.

Its like the point of supporting laziness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.


I forgive myself for not allowing myself  to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking.

So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them.

Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making.

I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead!

Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through.

This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this.

Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art.

Its like, what is going on with me?

In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things.

I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.


I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone.

Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself.

Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy.

Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable.

I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me!

That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me.

Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me.

Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did.

But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger.

I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit.

From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him.

Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting…waiting to see…almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry…then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in”

So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father.

So a point here to explore and forgive.

And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.